Coming Clean After an Affair: Is It Really Necessary?

You will agree that someone finding out that the person they chose to trust the most has betrayed that trust can be one of the most painful experiences in their relationship. So, you can imagine how, for the straying partner who realizes they have made a mistake and now wants to concentrate on their primary relationship and make it work, the decision of whether to come clean about an affair is a tough one.

There will be so many questions: is there a chance it can actually make things worse? What if it causes immediate harm? What if the damage to the relationship can’t be fixed?

Now, coming clean is usually a pretty common recommendation, but we have to acknowledge that once the betrayed partner is made aware of the affair, their heart will be broken, and they will be forced to endure the pain. Is that truly the best course of action?

Perhaps a quick look at some of the pros and cons can help us shed some light on the dilemma.

The pros:

Of course, honesty is vital to maintaining and rebuilding trust in relationships. So, when a partner who has strayed comes clean it is hoped, at least, that their telling the truth shows that they are now ready to be open, and that will help their partner feel a bit more secure.
Coming clean also means the straying partner is taking responsibility for their actions. Taking responsibility is also a normally good sign of personal growth: a person admits their mistake because they understand the seriousness of what they have done and are willing to make amends.
It is also believed that coming clean can be the first step toward healing even if the betrayed partner doesn’t know of the affair, because there is likely already a sense that something is wrong, creating a cloud of suspicion and/or confusion. So, confession can make a way for reconciliation if that is what both partners want.
In addition to all that, if a partner comes clean on their own terms, it will prevent the other from finding out about the indiscretion another way, which usually makes the pain of the betrayal even worse.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” — Cheryl Hughes

The cons

On the other hand, there is definitely a risk of the revelation causing immediate harm because the partner who cheated will feel really hurt, angry, and betrayed leading to a lot of emotional pain.
There is also the risk that the damage to the relationship might be irreparable: once trust is broken it can be very hard to rebuild. The betrayed partner may never be able to feel the same way about the other again.
Too much uncertainty comes with awareness: the partner making the revelation cannot predict with certainty or control how their partner will react. They might choose to end the relationship.

In any case, before making a decision, it is also advisable to think about some alternative considerations. Seeking counseling can be very helpful here. A qualified professional should be able to provide a safe space for partners to talk about their feelings and decide what to do next.

Some important considerations

Before making a decision, it is important to think about some alternative considerations because they will help you properly evaluate your situation properly and have, at least, some understanding of the potential impact on everyone involved. It is also a chance for you to explore different ways to address the issue.

Hopefully, such thorough reflection will result in a more informed choice.

I, for instance, think it is absolutely critical to evaluate your intentions. Why do you want to come clean? Is it to make yourself feel better, or is it because you truly believe it will help the relationship? If the affair is already over, and there is no chance of it being discovered, one might wonder if coming clean is simply more about easing a cheater’s own conscience rather than helping their partner. Sharing their guilt in such a situation could rightly be seen as merely being selfish.

Guilt has been a predominant factor for cheaters eventually confessing to an affair. About 47% of those who admitted their infidelity cited it as the reason for their confession. –Source

One also needs to consider future commitment. Are you ready to make changes and rebuild the relationship? This is an often difficult process that requires a lot of effort from both partners.

Here, seeking counseling can be very helpful because a professional can provide the safe space required for partners to talk about their feelings freely and decide what to do next.

A significant number of partners who engaged in infidelity chose to keep it a secret, with about 22% of cheaters admitting they never disclosed their affair to their partners. –Source

My view:

First, I duly recognize that the decision to come clean after an affair is a very personal one, but I believe that if the affair has zero chance of being discovered, it may be more beneficial not to confess.

If an (ex) cheater is genuinely committed to staying faithful in the future having realized their mistake, then revealing the affair to an otherwise unsuspecting partner could cause unnecessary harm. Most likely the immediate pain felt by the partner could outweigh any potential benefits of honesty in such a situation.

“I, for instance, think it is absolutely critical to evaluate your intentions.”

I would advise that focusing on building a stronger and more committed relationship, without exposing an unsuspecting partner to the emotional turmoil of a betrayal, could very well be the route to a healthier, happier future for all concerned. However, if a cheater engaged in risky behaviors that could have health implications for their partner, then definitely disclosure would be necessary to ensure the innocent partner’s safety.

Essentially, in cases where a mistake will most likely remain undiscovered and there are no apparent risks to the blissfully unaware partners, emphasis should be more on commitment to positive change rather than on confessions with all the attendant risks of disclosure.

“However, if a cheater engaged in risky behaviors that could have health implications for their partner, then definitely disclosure would be necessary to ensure the innocent partner’s safety”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

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The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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