On British Vogue, the stars of Deadpool and Wolverine (2024), Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, and Emma Corrin played the game: “Never have I ever”. In Deadpool and Wolverine, Ryan plays unkillable mutant Deadpool; Hugh plays the iconic X-Men hero Wolverine; Emma plays powerful mutant villain Cassandra Nova.
Emma read their question, “Never have I ever tried to impress someone and failed?”
Emma, Hugh and Ryan all raised their signs: “I Have”.
Emma confessed, “I know I’m a people pleaser. So, I could do that on a daily basis.”
Ryan said when he was a kid in school, he was in love with Fiona Gorchinsky. He said, “I think that was her name.” He took the Brentwood school bus for 45 minutes the wrong way, so that he could be with her.
Ryan said, “Finally, I got the courage to give a ‘What’s up?’ Then the school bus door closed on my backpack and the bus started to move…” Ryan said that he never recovered from that trauma. Yet, I think he did.
When Hugh was 13 years old (or maybe 26), he said, “There was a girl, who I really liked. Helena was her name. And she wouldn’t talk to me. To get her attention I would invent a tick.” That tick was moving his eyebrows up and down.
Helena said, “What’s that?”
Hugh said, “Oh, I don’t know.”
Helena looked at him and walked away. She never spoke to Hugh again.
Strangely, Ryan and Hugh’s fails made me feel okay. If they could fail trying to impress the girl, then it’s okay for me to fail. I’m a big fan of Ryan and Hugh. I have nothing, but mad love and respect for both men.
At different times, 47 year old Ryan Reynolds and 55 year old Hugh Jackman were People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. They’re 6’2”, very handsome, very rich, amazing actors, and good men.
I’m 5’3”, not handsome, not rich, and a satellite systems engineer. Hopefully, I’m a good man. At least I work on that. Since childhood, I have this fear inside that I’m not good enough. When I was a little boy, Dad scared the hell out of me. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so very angry with me. I was not the son, Dad wanted. I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone, especially me.
My fear inside that I’m not good enough for women, has something to do with how I look. Mostly, my fear inside sources from my childhood trauma and depression. The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism is the source of suffering. My abusive childhood was my source of suffering.
The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On the path to end suffering, I work on myself not on others. That’s all I can do. I trained in Aikido for 35 years with the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei to become the greater man, the greater person. I worked with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression.
In Aikido, Ishibashi Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” In the danger, I hold my position. I make my timing. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter the danger, enter what I fear, I let of more of my fear inside me. I’m free to be me. I free myself.
I loved someone. I feared inside that I was not good enough. I entered the danger, got under what I feared. I said, “I love you.” Although she may have loved me, she was not in love with me. My fear was truth: I was not good enough. I failed. Never have I ever been braver than that.
The late NBA Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said, “Failure excites me.” When he failed that gave him what to work on next. Kobe got back up when he failed. He put in the work. He worked on being the greatest that he could be.
I entered the danger and let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I failed and died with honor. That was more metaphorically than literally. I bravely dared to be me. I bravely dared to fail. Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.” I was true to me. I was the greatest I could be.
Maybe the next time I summon the courage to say “I love” that woman will love me back the same way. Who knows lightening could strike? The possibility of falling madly and deeply in love arose from my failure. I just train. It’s not like I have to get somewhere.
I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I dare to fail bravely. I dare to be me bravely, too. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. Never have I ever been more grateful to Ryan and Hugh for their generosity, vulnerability, and kindness. They inspire me to be the greatest that I can be. And let the chips fall where they may. Never have I ever been prouder to just be me.
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Photo by Alexandra on Unsplash
