Picture yourself in the break room at work. You’re a little dirty, a little tired, and you just want to eat your lunch in peace. You welcome a little talk about sports or world events, but in walks James. Your anxiety rises just a little and your brace yourself for whatever tirade you are in for today. James sits down, opens his lunch box, and immediately starts complaining about what his wife packed him to eat…again.
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“Grilled chicken salad? I was hoping for a roast beef sandwich, something filling. Ugh, I can’t believe how lazy she is.”
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James is always like this. He is constantly ragging on his wife for one reason or another to his friends and coworkers. The negativity James exudes is exhausting. Single men at the table look down at their vending machine snacks wishing a woman loved them enough to pack their lunch even once, let alone every day.
James, somewhere along the way, lost site of the important things. He stopped appreciating the small, arguably big, things that his spouse does for him and for their family. He let the love die, the spark that kept them connected. I’m sure his wife had her share of the blame for that, as all couples do, but James takes it a step further, James publically degrades and disrespects his wife. Don’t be like James.
As you, and everyone around you, tune James out and stare deadeyed at your food, in walks Kevin. Kevin always has a light hearted feel about him. He sits down and everyone perks up, even James surprisingly. You notice the difference in attotude as Kevin opens his lunch box and pulls out a lone balogna sandwhich. James smirks, and makes some offhanded comment, “I feel your pain.” Kevin responds the way he always does, takes a huge bite out of his sandwich and gently groans in satisfaction.
Kevin loves his wife. He tells the guys at the table that he mentioned a few weeks ago how he loved balogna sandwiches as a kid so his wife surprised him with this simple pleasure. Kevin laughs to the group and tells them that he can’t believe she wakes up a half hour early to pack him lunch sometimes. How thoughtful it is and how it makes his morning flow easier when it happens.
Kevin normally packs his own lunch. Something small hasn’t been taken for granted. Is there a lesson there, to not do things everyday, because they become the normal and expected? I would argue, that you shouldn’t do daily things for those who are ungrateful. It just gets taken for granted.
People are driven by incentives, if you react possitively to events that you like, your partner will know to keep doing that thing. If you react negatively to something you like, your partner should stop and talk to
you, or better yet, you be a leader and talk to them. Otherwise it creates resentment and disconnection.
There are two kinds of husbands, ones who appreciate, love, and uplift their wives and those who belittle, neglect and criticise them. In what world would anyone choose the later? Choose to be a strong, capable, uplifting husband. Reward her efforts and let her reward yours. You are a team in this crazy life. Why make it miserable for someone you claim to love?
Don’t complain about your spouse in public. You are supposed to be her biggest fan and advocate, and she is supposed to be yours. Overly critical thoughts become cruel words, which become cruel actions. Insead when you find your thoughts wandering, remind yourself of all the good she does, of that thing she did for you last Thursday that made you feel special.
Never let yourself speak ill of your spouse in public or online or anywhere. If you have a problem with something they did, talk to them about it. Trust them enough to work through things. Be comfortable with that discomfort for the benefit of your marriage.
Put down your insecurities and anger. Be open to connection and discussion. Be brave enough to advocate what you want from them and bold enough to give them all they crave from you! Best of luck to all you wonderful spouses out there like Kevin!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Andres Molina on Unsplash
