When One Wants Kids and the Other Doesn’t

My close friend, whom I will call Kate for the sake of the paper, has been in a long-term relationship with her fiancé Mike for more than eight years. They are in their thirties now, and they got engaged about five years ago but never felt any urge to get actually married either. Her whole life through, Kate had always been feeling ambivalent toward having children. She was leaning towards not wanting them, but at one point, she did consider the idea with Mike. They even talked about it, and she mentioned she would be okay with that, as long as it happened before she turned 35.

For Kate, 35 was her personal cut-off. Not that she didn’t know women could have kids later on, but she just wouldn’t be comfortable. Time flew by, and before they knew it, Kate’s 35th birthday came and went. They never had kids due to financial instability or their less-than-satisfactory job situations. Mike was disappointed but supportive. Kate even asked him once if he wanted to break off the engagement so he could find someone who would give him a family, to which he said no. He comforted her that he wanted to be with her regardless.

Next came the sea change. Mike’s father died in July, and his death really floored Mike. His father had always wished for grandchildren, and Mike felt great guilt for not fulfilling that wish while his dad was still alive. After a lot of reflection, he told Kate that he realized how much he wanted to be a father, as his dad had been to him; he still wanted to have children, but specifically with Kate — and not anyone else.

But the kicker: Kate didn’t want kids anymore. She was definite about that. Adding into her age, Kate has struggled with mental health issues and was terrified to pass those challenges onto a child. The overwhelming feeling was that of bringing a child into a world that appears to get worse by the day. As much as she loves Mike, parenthood over the table for her.

So, now they are stuck. Kate has to bear the weight of Mike’s dream, which is not her dream. She has tried to be considerate with this wish of his, especially after the death of his father. But at the same time, she knows it would be unfair to her and to Mike to go through something as life-changing as having children when she’s not fully committed. All this saddens her a lot, for deep in her heart, she feels this discrepancy in their futures could well mean the end of their love affair.

Kate shared her story with me in the hope that I could shed some light on what is best to do: whether there is any way of finding a common wavelength or simply letting go. Suddenly, after eight years of building this incredible life, children might break them. It’s an awfully hard bind, and though Kate has an idea of what she should do, deep down, a part of her still clings onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a solution where she didn’t have to lose the love of her life.

For now, the only thing she can do is talk with Mike some more and see if there’s some compromise that can be made or if they have to go their separate ways. It’s one of those sad realities many couples face when dreams about the future no longer match.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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