10 Years Later, When Desire Fades

After ten years of marriage, things aren’t the same anymore. He remembers that he and his wife used to be inseparable, that their physical contact was electric, spontaneous, and thrilling. They were the type of couple who would sneak off just about anywhere and have wild escapades in public, and more personally, those moments which defined them.

But over the course of the past couple of years, something shifted. He remained very sexual, while she became essentially asexual. The nights of passion gave way to her thumb-scrolling on Instagram, her face glued to her phone as he lay beside her, feeling farther away than ever. Once a week turned into once a month, which then turned into once every two months. Even small acts like kissing or touching seemed to fade away.

They tried everything: books on sex, couples therapy, endless conversations in which she promised to try harder. She didn’t appear to realize how far retreated, and her reassurances didn’t translate into change. He didn’t want to force her into intimacy; it would feel transactional, passionless, and he couldn’t bear to feel as though he was objectifying her. He missed the closeness they’d had.

Otherwise, their marriage was okay-they had smoothed over most of their issues in communication and had built a comfortable life. But without physical intimacy, the vital component seemed missing. He stayed in an empty apartment, with no kids, nothing to distract him from his thoughts of what went wrong. Was he the problem? Why couldn’t they reconnect, even after all these years?

All the books they’d read spoke of regaining sexual contact, yet despite his best efforts as a thoughtful lover, nothing worked. First, he would give her oral sex to make sure she was satisfied, yet the desire had vanished. She wasn’t modest. She still dressed sexy and was proud of how she looked, but somehow that little spark that once drove them both had gone.

Now, he has reached his breaking point. He does not want to be continuously bringing it up, yet neither does he want to forever avoid the issue of intimacy. Lonely and frustrated, he questions whether there’s any way forward, or is this the new normal?.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***