My Girlfriend’s Web of Lies

We were supposed to be that love story that came full circle. I’m 38, and she is 38. We’ve been apart for nearly 20 years—life pulling us in opposite directions—and we recently reconnected six months ago. It felt so meant to be. But no matter how much I love her, the lies began almost immediately. And six months in, I have lost count of the number of times she lied to me.

The first lie was about a trifle she had with one of my closest friends. That was long before we were together, of course. He casually mentioned the occasion but was defensive when questioned by me; even said that perhaps he was just imagining things-the ridiculous fabrication. I was almost buying into it until she finally admitted the truth in a casual passing remark. I pushed it off as an old habit, praying that it wouldn’t creep up on me again.

And then the next lie came. The bachelorette party to Ibiza-the plea was not enough: Ibiza is known for its dance parties, and I begged her not to take any illegal drugs. She claims this is being “controlling,” “violating,” and I am not only wrong but bad for being so concerned. Eventually she even comes clean and confessed that she really did take drugs on the trip, proving my worst fears right.

These aren’t world-shattering lies, but they cut me deep. The pattern’s the same time after time: I sense something is wrong; I’ll confront her; she denies it; then, under my persistent pushing, the truth eventually gets out. Each time, she tries to spin it as if I am the one doing something wrong-through overreactions, controlling, or being too suspicious. Since she confessed the truth, she would also break down and cry and apologize to me, leaving in her wake a lot of anger and a little bit of guilt.

I even asked her if she had a problem lying to me, and she admitted that she does. She proposed going to a therapist, which gives me hope, but trust is thinning. We are only six months into this relationship, and it seems like I constantly find another half-truth or lie. It’s exhausting.

I don’t think she cheats on me; she never even made me have reason to think so; but all these lies still hurt. Actually, trust is the cornerstone of every relationship, and as far as I can see, ours is built on shaky ground. My heart wants to stay, though, believes that this can be salvaged. I love her, and I really think that she doesn’t have an intention to hurt me. But my head screams at me that trust is a matter of great importance, and without it, love can only take one so far.

Can she change? Can someone who battles lies break free of it, or is it merely a habitual thing languishing just beneath the surface, waiting to be dragged at a moment’s notice? I feel trapped between my love for her and the constant weight of mistrust.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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