Parenthood vs. Intimacy: Finding the Balance

I have been married for the past four years. My wife and I are now at that point in our lives confronting a new era in life: parenthood. Our whole lives changed after the birth of our two-year-old child, who filled our days with love and laughter and continued calls for attention by a child.

“We’re still very much in love, but something has been missing since our son arrived: our sex life.”

We were intimate for the time before we became parents. There was 16 years of a relationship between us. We had been each other’s high school sweetheart, and we built a life together. When our son arrived, it felt like we were about to step into the dream that we had always envisioned.

“But what no one prepared us for was the toll that parenthood would take on our relationship—not emotionally, but sexually.”

“We’ve hardly made love properly since the baby was born.”

Okay, there are the occasional oral or hand stuffs but the very intimate and connected physical experience we used to have is practically gone. We’ve talked about it a lot and often, wondering if this is part of the process or if we are doing something wrong.

“We love each other, we work as a team, but when it comes to intimacy, we struggle with it.”

But one of the biggest factors involves time-or its seeming absence.

“We’re always with our little guy, or when we do get a rare moment alone, there’s always something on the to-do list that takes precedence.”

From chores to the endless responsibilities of life, sex has found its way to the bottom of our priorities. We’re not alone in this, are we?

There’s another giant reason: our son’s sleeping arrangements.

“He’s slept with us since birth, so finding time or space for ourselves is nearly impossible.”

Even when we’ve considered snatching in a little bit of time, the realities of sharing a bed with a toddler sleeping between us shoots that idea down fast.

It’s not that the desire is gone.

“We both miss it. We miss the connection, the intimacy, the way sex used to be a special part of our relationship.”

But now it seems like a faraway dream. I know we are not alone in this. What I want to know is, does it get better?

We attempted to parcel out a few hours of it—sent him off to the grandparents for a few hours—but even then we’re too exhausted or distracted by everything else happening that sex still doesn’t happen. And honestly, we’re mostly okay with that, at least for now.

“Our son comes first; we are in agreement on this. He is our priority.”

But sometimes, in moments that pass so quickly we haven’t even been able to notice them yet, I glance at him across the crowded room and wonder how much we miss being just a couplehaving time for each other without the noise, without the constant interruptions, without the exhaustion.

I’ve been reading stories about sex life slowing down after kids, but it’s hard not to wonder:

“Is this normal?”

Or am we just letting our relationship fall into a rut? Sometimes, it feels like we are the only ones undergoing this. We ask ourselves if we’re doing something wrong or if this is just a phase that all parents go through.

The thing is, we still love each other so much. There’s no resentment, no underlying issues ready to break this bond.

“But the lack of intimacy is a void that we both feel.”

It is not just about the sex itself; it’s about proximity, touching into each other, being vulnerable in front of each other and connected.

So to all you out there who have become parents, here are the questions: how has it been with your sex life since having these little bundles of joy? Are you able to go back to normal eventually, or does this become something we’re going to have to just get used to as part of the process of becoming a parent?

“We love being parents, but sometimes we miss being a couple.”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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