You think the act of moving in would bring two people closer, but sometimes it does the opposite. A relationship that once felt solid can quickly start to unravel, and the more one person tries, the more distant the other becomes.
A couple—both nearing 40, with a year of dating behind them—is deciding to take the next step. They’ve plugged in the figures, balanced the pros and cons, and determined it just makes sense to live under the same roof. He’s willing to live in her home, which she owns, and on paper, makes all the sense in the world.
But within a few weeks of having commenced living together, things begin to shift. Everything is turned into a fight. Tension suddenly exists over something that never seemed to present a problem before. The man comes to realize that despite all the effort he puts into helping at home, whether it is cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, or paying half of the mortgage, complaints just keep on coming his way.
An incorrectly loaded dishwasher turns into a personal attack on him, and he is accused of being careless, inconsiderate, because all this has become such a big issue.
The worst feeling is walking on eggshells all the time. The words seem to cry out for conflict, and there seems to be no way to win. What once was a haven-the home-now feels like a battleground.
“Every little mistake becomes a reason to fight, and it’s exhausting.”
Finally, the anger boils over, and he has it out with his girlfriend over all the tension. That is when the real reasoning behind all of this comes out: she’s been keeping him at arm’s length on purpose. Why? Because she’s terrified of getting hurt. In her head, if she can get him to leave, then she won’t have to face the risk of true emotional vulnerability. Thus, if all goes wrong, he is her scapegoat, and she will rise again saying he’s “just another jerk,” a story she has heard before.
It hurts him on a deep level, not only the stress coupled with continuous criticism-it’s also he finds out that the person he cares about was attempting to torpedo the relationship in the background. He questions everything: Is this about her fear of commitment, or is there something else? How do you fix something when the other person is already halfway out the door?
“How do you fight for love when the other person is pushing you away? ”
Mental health also plays a role here. He’s dealing with bipolar disorder, and her manipulative behavior is making him question himself. She even told him that the tension is all in his head, and that she’s being blamed for his illness. That is a level of gaslighting that makes him question his reality.
“She keeps saying that it’s all in my head, but I know this tension is real.”
Now, he has got to make this decision: either he continues the same task, holding onto hope that she might change her ways and they can eventually get back to each other, or leave and help himself not go further into emotional grievance. He is not sure if he can even fight for this relationship anymore, which seems to be heading down to close up in failure.
Some might say that love is worth the fight, no matter how rough it gets. And sometimes, in the midst of these battles, the fight is actually knowing when to walk out.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
