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Both of our two sons had a passion outside of school by the time they were in middle school. And although I didn’t realize it at the time, there was a serendipitous aspect to Elliott’s playing competitive tennis and Austin’s writing music. It was only when I started to speak to the parents of successful entrepreneurs that it hit me: Both of them had passions in areas that my husband and I knew nothing about.
If they had been interested in politics or media or law or economics — areas in which my husband and I had worked — we would have gotten involved. We would have tried to help and offered advice. But we knew almost nothing about tennis or music. (Okay, we knew nothing.)
Elliott had to decide without help from us where to train, which coach to work with, what racket to use, what tournaments to enter. Austin had to decide without our advice what instruments to learn, who his piano, guitar, drums, and voice coaches would be, what music software to get, what microphone and mixer to buy, what songs should be on his album, and what producer to work with.
Having to take responsibility to figure things out themselves was a good thing. They had to take control, make decisions, figure it out for themselves. It wasn’t a conscious decision on our part, but looking back, it was lucky it worked out that way. I didn’t know it at the time, but I now know that all children should be allowed to figure out their own passion, that parents should nourish and support and encourage that passion, and that parents should largely stay out of the way so it becomes truly their children’s.
If you want to incubate an entrepreneur, you need to lead by following, regardless of where your child wants to go. It’s one of the hardest things for most parents as it entails allowing the child to learn what their own strengths are, letting them forge the path that feels good to them, and supporting that path.
Many parents resist letting their children figure out their path for themselves because they think it means encouraging their children in pursuits that aren’t serious. The result is that many young people are deflated and unhappy because they’re doing what their parents think will make them successful. When parents ignore their child’s skills and interests, their good intentions backfire.
As I conducted research on the best approaches for parents to support a child’s budding entrepreneurialism, I interviewed 70 successful entrepreneurs from all walks of life. One of the recurring themes was that parents need to let their children take the lead in their own life, and then provide steadfast support.
For example, Brooks Bell, founder of Brooks Bell, Inc., a leading U.S. data-testing firm, recalled, “My mom respected me as an adult at an earlier stage than my friends’ parents. She thought that I should put myself in as many learning situations as I could, and that I would find my own path.”
Brooks’s mom did one of the hardest things for a parent: She let her daughter make decisions, own them, realize her mistakes, and learn from them. Brooks explained how her mom’s supportive approach, especially when it came to learning from mistakes, influenced her professionally.
“I always had confidence that I’d make the right decision — if not this time, the next time,” Brooks said.
Jon Chu loved watching videos, then making them. In school, he talked his teachers into letting him submit them instead of papers. Although it wasn’t what his parents had hoped he would do, when they realized how much he loved it, they became his biggest supporters. With the blockbuster hits Crazy Rich Asians and In the Heights, he’s one of Hollywood’s most in-demand movie directors.
Like most parents, but especially because they’re immigrants, Jon’s parents wanted their son to have a better life than theirs, but they never imagined it would be in film. Other parents might have told their son to put his camera away and focus on his schoolwork. But once Jon’s parents realized that film was his passion, they supported him completely. Getting him equipment and, later on, feeding his cast and crew were a big help, but the message Jon took from those efforts was even more important — he always knew his parents believed in him.
To support your child’s passion and entrepreneurial pursuits, follow this advice of the 70 parents interviewed:
1. Lead by following. Don’t push your child into your passions. See what they’re good at, what they love, and then get out of the way and let your children do what makes them happy. Realize that there comes a time when supportingyour child means stepping back.
2. Support exploration. Entrepreneurs come up with ideas and turn them into something real. They translate passion into a project. Even false starts and detours can be valuable because your child learns resiliency. They gain confidence that they can try again and work through challenges until they land on the solution they’re after.
3. Believe in your child. More than most people, entrepreneurs need space and freedom to find their own way — and paradoxically, that makes emotional support from their parents even more important. When they’re not getting the immediate rewards and positive feedback that children following conventional paths receive, their parents’ belief in them becomes even more valuable.
Children who are allowed to figure out their own passion, and then who are encouraged in that passion, are filled with joy and purpose. Cultivate your children’s creativity and confidence by letting them know you believe in them and trust them to make the right choices. Let go of your fear that they won’t succeed. Tell them again and again how proud you are of them. In this way they’ll believe in themselves, too.
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Margot Machol Bisnow spent 20 years in government, including as an FTC Commissioner and staff director of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers. For the last 10 years, she has spoken to parent groups about raising creative, confident, resilient children who achieve their dreams. She served as an Advisor to EQ Generation, an after-school program in New York City that gives children the skills to succeed; on the Advisory Board of the MUSE School in Malibu, that prepares young people to live consciously through passion-based learning; and on the Board of Spark the Journey in Washington DC, that mentors low-income high school students to achieve college and career success. Her new book is Raising an Entrepreneur: How to Help Your Children Achieve Their Dreams – 99 Stories from Families Who Did. Learn more at raisinganentrepreneur.com.
