Comedian Louis C.K. says, “Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’”
I couldn’t agree more. Unfortunately, realizing you are an asshole isn’t always easy, especially when it comes to realizing that you might be an asshole to your employees and colleagues. But, that’s exactly what happened to me.
A few years ago, I went to a retreat at the Bell Leadership Institute. At that time, I was the CEO of a software company, a company which saw 3,000 percent growth during my tenure. I was proud of my accomplishments, of the way I pushed our team and got results.
Hence, when the business retreat leaders surveyed my employees, I was confident that my results would show that, while I had areas I could improve, on the whole, I was a good leader.
But, that’s not what my employees said about me. Instead, they said I was difficult to please and hypercritical. They said I didn’t listen to their ideas and that I was a micro-manager. Basically, I was… kind of an asshole.
And not only was I kind of an asshole, but I was indirectly modeling this critical, cold behavior for my children as well. The most important thing to me is being a good father, and my work persona wasn’t just staying at the office. My kids were witnessing my leadership style firsthand, like when I worked from home late in the evenings or when they overheard my work phone calls. They were seeing me in my ‘boss’ role, and for the first time I realized: Maybe I wasn’t modeling what a good boss should like. Maybe I wasn’t behaving how a real leader should behave. In other words, I wasn’t just hurting my employees, I could be hurting my kids too.
That was a major wake-up call. I didn’t want to be an ineffective, disliked boss, but more importantly, I didn’t want my parenting style to damage my kids’ world-view and the way they treated other people.
I made a goal of giving at least one piece of positive feedback every day.
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So, I made a change at work. I looked to leaders like Bob Chapman of Barry Wehmiller, employers who take a people-centric approach to leadership. Chapman has a “Everybody matters” philosophy, a simple motto for a hugely powerful idea. What it boils down to is this: Wehmiller approaches his employees as family first, staff second. He views each of his employees as unique, precious beings, full of potential and promise just waiting to be unlocked by a caring leader. (You can listen to his awesome TedX talk here.)
Making the change to a people-centered leadership style took quite a long time, because many of my behaviors were deeply ingrained and even subconscious, and I simply wasn’t aware of how I impacted others. For example, there was a time when I decided to experiment with positive feedback. I made a goal of giving at least one piece of positive feedback every day. It really highlighted how infrequently I had given positive feedback before. I realized I would go for stretches of months without giving anyone praise on their work. When I saw my employees’ faces light up and observed the positive change in their demeanor when I gave them a genuine compliment on their work, I realized how much more rewarding it was personally to brighten someone’s day rather than be the dark cloud over it. I realized how much power I had over my employees’ mood and their self-esteem, and that I was setting the tone for my office’s culture.
While I pride myself on being in recovery now, I am far from the only boss who can be a bit of an asshole. (In fact, recent research shows that people would rather fire their boss than get a raise, and half of American workers say that they have quit a job to escape a bad boss.)
That’s why, as a CEO coach, I devote myself to teaching other bosses to recognize their asshole behavior and make a change. Here’s what I tell them:
#1 — Stop thinking you are the smartest person in the room.
When I used to walk into a meeting with my employees, I did so with the expectation that I was the smartest guy in the room. That my ideas should be the loudest and most respected. Essentially, I wanted my team to lay out a red carpet for my ideas…which meant that I was missing out on their intellect, education and unique viewpoints. What a waste! After all, I wanted a team of gifted, engaged professionals, not simpering minions!
#2 — Stop assuming your employees experience life the same way you do.
I used to assume that a good employee didn’t need much praise. After all, I was a hard worker, too, and I didn’t need praise. Ergo, why should anyone else? But then I realized I was guilty of assuming that other people thought like me. Maybe I don’t need a ton of positive feedback in order to know that I am doing a good job, but that doesn’t mean that other people feel the same way.
Additionally, I realized that my job as a CEO was a form of organic praise. Every morning I walked in the door knowing that my role was valued and essential. Was that true for the guy working in the mailroom or the woman in the cubicle down the hall? Maybe not. They might walk in feeling like nobodies, thinking that their work is meaningless and that their effort goes completely unnoticed. Over time, they give up, check out and become disengaged employees. All because bosses think saying “good work” is unnecessary. Now I know better: Whether it’s my kids or my staff, I don’t miss the chance to applaud even the smallest victories.
#3 — Don’t neglect your personal relationships. One thing I learned as a CEO is that when your marriage is on the rocks or you’re dealing with family drama at home, it is going to take a toll on your mood and your health. When a boss comes into the office feeling stressed over his fractured marriage or his troubled relationship with his kids, he is not going to be able to perform his best. Everyone (employees and employers alike) has to establish work-life balance if they want to accomplish their career goals. In fact, recent research shows that employees who take all of their vacation time are more likely to get promoted and receive raises in the future, probably because these employees are more motivated, relaxed and healthy than their overworked peers. As the saying goes, ‘You can’t pour from an empty vessel.’ You need to make sure that you are practicing self-care outside the office and tending to your personal relationships if you want to shine professionally.
#4 — If your employees aren’t going home happy, you are to blame. This is a tough one for a lot of my CEO clients to swallow. “What?” they wonder. “Why is it my job to manage my staff’s emotions? This is the workplace, not a hippie daycare.” Exactly, I tell them. At the end of the day, this is about work. Growth. Profit. And if your team is going home unhappy, they are probably going to come in the next morning unhappy, too. Which means they aren’t going to be giving 100 percent effort. They aren’t going to be bringing their best, inspired, gifted selves to the table. They are going to be phoning it in, just taking up space and collecting a paycheck, never doing a ‘bad’ job or neglecting their main duties, but also never doing a great job and never bringing new and innovative ideas to your workplace.
Becoming a great leader doesn’t happen overnight, and even ‘recovering’ assholes like me still mess up and approach employees the wrong way.
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So, what can CEOs do to make sure that their employees go home happy? The main way is to understand that, at its core, happiness is about feeling secure. Feeling confident. Feeling valued and respected. Making your employees happy is actually very simple. It’s about imbuing your leadership style with deep respect, it’s about treating your staff with dignity, compassion and empathy. It means that you realize that your core job as a CEO is to inspire, to unlock the potential inside of each of your employees. Your employees aren’t there to serve you. You are there to serve each other, to work alongside of each other, everyone bringing their own unique gifts and viewpoints to the table, in order to create a thriving company and a harmonious workplace.
Becoming a great leader doesn’t happen overnight, and even ‘recovering’ assholes like me still mess up and approach employees the wrong way. But what I have learned is this: Self-awareness is half the battle, along with being able to confess when you made a mistake. Bosses aren’t infallible, and they shouldn’t be frightened or embarrassed to admit when they screw up.
So, hello, my name is Krister Ungerboeck, and sometimes I can be a bit of an asshole.
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Photo: Getty Images