At four, my daughter is already distinctly aware of her looks. I recall one episode where she made alluring faces in the mirror. She rocked her hips back and forth, and then told me how cute she looked.
It was sassy for sure (a gender-weighted adjective) and precocious (another one), but I wondered what Disney cartoon taught her that.
The whole time she was posing in front of the mirror, she kept trying on different smiles.
Here’s my request: stop asking my daughter to smile. I get it, she’s four and cute- who doesn’t love it when they smile? It’ll light up your day.
Don’t do it, though. No smiles. No comments on her looks. Nothing. If you feel the need to insert yourself in her life without my permission, then ask for a hi-five or a fist bump. Just don’t bring her smile, or looks, into it. Chances are, if she likes you she’ll smile anyway.
Is it an absurd request? No. If I had a son, you wouldn’t ask him to smile. As parent, I’ve observed these things, and the last few years have been a crash course on social gender differences.
It’s true that for my daughter, these gender-based interactions are still innocuous, but they have a short shelf life. When she starts junior high that request for a smile won’t be benign anymore, and commenting on her looks will skirt the line of sexual harassment, until they cross it. Sadly, by then she’ll be conditioned to it.
Well-meaning strangers, teachers, and even family do this. They request a smile, and if they don’t get one, they keep asking, usually undermining her refusal with guilt. When they finally get one, they remark how pretty she is now that she has smiled.
Guys don’t suffer this often times pushy and embarrassing request for smiles. If we do, there’s less objectification to it. True objectification for men is a rarity, and for a society slanted towards male privilege (arguably slanting back more towards,) objectifying men is almost cute. We often enjoy being treated like meat, cavalierly laughing it off, but that’s our privilege talking.
The fact is no man is ever required to smile and then graciously thank someone for commenting on his looks. We dole out high-fives, fist bumps, handshakes, grunts, head nods, or any combination of these things, but we’ll never have to disarm you with a smile.
This isn’t the case with women. They’re singled out by their looks at young age and reminded of them constantly. The prettier we judge them to be, the higher their social capital. The higher that social capital, the more privilege they’re afforded.
Even if we all mutually agree that women are powerful and smart, they are so much prettier when they smile. Everyone around them is, indeed, happier with a smiling woman. Besides, telling a woman to smile and then complimenting her on her looks is what chivalrous men do.
How circular and reinforcing male chivalry is. But even if it didn’t require us to remind women of their own physical beauty, there’s still a body price for participation in society.
Women’s social interactions with family, friends, colleagues, and even strangers involve more of their bodies. They typically give and receive enduring hugs and kisses. They also receive unwelcome touches from men; it’s considered part of the overall social package, including professional life. If they don’t play by these social gender rules, especially being asked to smile more, there could be serious professional repercussions.
Yet, when women decide to educate men on why these requests aren’t appropriate, they’re labeled as antagonistic, bossy, or just plain bitchy.
That’s a double standard.
Maybe you’re still not convinced and think I’m over exaggerating. Boys and girls are different, after all. Just because society expects them to play different gender roles, it doesn’t mean that women are treated inequitably.
No true.
In a GOP primary from last summer, moderator Megyn Kelly was accused of being unprofessional, purportedly because she was asking then-candidate Trump hard questions. Later on Twitter, he accused her of bleeding out of her “wherever.”
Why would a man feel the need to say this? Was he simply engaging in more locker room talk?
You can shrug this off, calling it locker room talk, but it speaks to an subservient, patriarchal take on the role of women in society. Kelly wasn’t backing down, being amenable, deferential, and she wasn’t smiling. None of which was required of her to be an effective moderator. Yet, in the President’s eyes, she was being a difficult bitch.
Even today, when half the country believes that women have broken the glass ceiling, men are less culpable when violating a woman’s bodily autonomy, and are still protected from things like domestic violence and rape. Short of an obvious care of the latter, society often gives (white) men the benefit of the doubt, even lessening punishments for ostensibly bumbling kids who just wanted some action.
It’s no wonder catcalling, leering, lewd comments, intrusive compliments, requests for a smile, and grabbing women by their genitals are all behaviors that are just good fun with us men.
Where is the equity in a society that expects women to put up with this in order to get ahead, or just walk down the street?
It’s simply not there.
This isn’t just about teaching our daughters that it’s their body and their choice, either. An equitable society is a two-way street, and in a culture of reemerging male privilege, misogyny, and casual sexism, young boys need to be taught what a woman’s bodily autonomy means.
My argument, here, isn’t to raise mean, standoffish little girls, who scowl at the slightest glance in their general direction (unless that’s their nature.) Instead, we need to be aware of the double standard we perpetuate when teaching our daughters how to interact with society. If head nods, handshakes, or a simple “what’s up” is socially acceptable for our sons, it should also be acceptable for our daughters.
And, little girls should never be told to smile. If they want to smile, they will.
Previously published on DC Daddy’s Wine Time
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Photo: Getty Images
We’ll put, from one Matthew Koehler to another
I can’t agree that it does not affect men. I am a man, and I was told to smile loads of times. It’s really annoying, so I agree that it should stop. I was also catcalled (as I child sexual abuse victim I find it quite terrifying).
Generally speaking, the requests for smiles with men aren’t intrinsically linked to body image, sex appeal, and what’s pleasing to the (still existing) patriarchal hegemony, but I see your point.
Sexual harassment ain’t cool no matter who you are.
I’ve got a teenage daughter and 2 sons. I also have to entertain periodically for my job and attend external events with my family. I’ve told my children they need to smile, be welcoming and polite at these events. Nothing is quite as off-putting as a host or hostess who rolls their eyes, pouts and acts “put upon.” The idea that my wife and I are “sexually harassing” our daughter is pretty funny. And if you think social capital only accrues to attractive women you’re missing half the battle- my tall, and athletic son is received, at first impression, differently… Read more »
I think there’s a clear difference between teaching your children to be polite and considerate and reinforcing the idea that girls should always smile. Almost every interaction my daughter has with strangers, and known people, involves them commenting on her physical appearance. We don’t see anything wrong with this because we’ve been socially trained to interact with women on this level. Is it not chivalrous to comment a lady on her looks? It would certainly be rude not to… Most (not all) of those times the compliment is prefaced with repeated requests for a smile. Regardless of how equitable society… Read more »
It never takes long till a little male pops up to dismiss anything that tries to change it for the better for women and girls. Classy as always, American males!
Great article, Matthew. You’ve strengthened your daughters’ confidence at an age when she is more likely to adopt it as natural. Within a few years, she would have little or no defense against being a victim of gender norms.
Cheers Rene! I hope she has the right tools to combat sexism, gender roles, and harassment. All I can do is foster independence and a powerful sense of self.