Two years ago, I asked four classes of eighth-graders to finish the statement “Being a man to me means…” This exercise was to unearth the narratives they were bringing before our 6-week unit on Gender & Sexuality. I kept a small sample in my archives and I was looking through their responses again. I noticed a few patterns. Can you spot them?
- “Being a man to me means that I have to love soccer and have to be tough and not be sad of anything and can’t cry”
- “Being a man means to be able to do anything I want to do”
- “Being a man to me means to be brave and courageous”
- “I’m a man and we’re supposed to be protective.”
- “Having to prove myself strong because I’m told I have to be strong”
- “Being a man means that you own up to your mistakes and you take care of the ones you love”
- “Being a man to me means life is easy”
- “To be a man, it feels like we have more opportunities”
- “A man means that I get more privileges than women”
- “Being a man to me means to work, help, and protect”
- “Being a man to me means being a gentleman and hard working”
- “Being a man means you got to work to maintain your family and you bust your butt so your wife nor kids struggle to live. You got to protect”
- “Being a man to me means being strong, brave, courageous”
- “Being a man to me means being a gentleman and respect women”
- “Being a man to me means that I was put on this earth to protect…protect other that can’t protect themselves, “women””
- “Being a man to me means being able to support your family”
- “Being a man to me means being the man of the house and respecting women”
- “Being a man to me means that I have something to accomplish but this world is too hard”
- “Being a man to me means providing for your family”
- “Being a man to me is working hard and being strong”
- “Being a man means taking care of business”
- “Being a man to me means support others always. Be responsible”
- “Being a man to me means respecting women and being a gentleman”
- “Being a man to me means working hard and making kids”
- “Being a man means being mature and working hard”
- “Means being faithful. Having to get rights.”
- “Being a man to me means being strong by protecting and taking care of our family.”
- “Being a man to me means to take responsibility and be brave”
- “Being a man to me means taking care of your family, trying to make the correct choices and being responsible”
Some of the most salient themes were ‘protecting others’, ‘being strong, brave, and courageous’, ‘being a gentleman’, and ‘working hard’. It’s interesting to note what societal norms boys have internalized by the age of 14. A few wrote about the restricting nature of the masculinity gender box and the impossible cruel ask we make of boys to never process pain through tears or to constantly measure up to imaginary standards of strength.
Re-reading their responses reminds me just how imperative it is that children receive anti-bias and anti-oppressive education that challenges dominant narratives of race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, social class, etc. Broadening definitions of masculinity liberates all students, irrespective of gender, to envision healthier expressions of masculinity.
What other patterns did you notice? What are some possible solutions?
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What will boys learn about being a man from a Donald Trump Presidency?
Heck, what have we learned about society in the fact that someone so deeply sexist and racist became our new Pressident?
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What are you doing on this site, Boris?
One question immediately came to mind and that is what 8th graders were asked the questions. I would imagine that the answers would range differently depending on the demographics of the students. But I also see that many of the same answers would more then likely be the same
The heavy weight of responsibility to protect and provide enters my consulting room in a tightly knotted metaphorical backpack of emotional baggage carried by many men. I don’t have a problem with the role of men as protectors and providers, a role that can and is often shared by women. We do however, need to give permission to men, and boys, that it’s perfectly ok to set limits on the overbearing stress associated with providing and protecting and and teach them the emotional language of vulnerability when sometimes life gets too hard
Agree, with caveats. Presently, the Zeitgeist flows through feminism, so I think it’s fair to point out as a corrective that the weight of expectation on men and boys to provide and protect over millennia was not a burden carried at all equally by men and women, and is still not equallys so carried today. Thus, as with rape and women, say, the bulk of our attention to the historically massive, lethal exposure of men to the need to exhibit these qualities needs to be respected as far more serious than the recent and therefore much more most parallel contributions… Read more »
Very well said Howard. Men do know that fundamentally their role is and has been through the ages to protect and provide for their families. The female role is primarily to project, care for and nurture the young, but a good women nurtures and tries to project her husband from harm and undue stress. The fundamental of a truly healthy marriage is one of absolute support. We all need support or the demands of life can become to much. This is why a healthy marriage is so valuable, and promotes longevity.
I like this.
David Hallam 1 second ago This truly heartbreaking set of self descriptions by young boys impels me to say that they have clearly been inculcated with a level of self-abnegation first pointed out as a destructive and manifestly unhealthy set of beliefs by Warren Farrell, to an avalanche of derision, in 1993 in The Myth Of Male Power. Farrell’s book has its fair share of faults, and was clumsily written. But it was overwhelmingly and self-evidently true in all the main points it made, and brought desperately needed attention to the flourishing, vastly-funded, ideologically drive and academically funded misandy culture.… Read more »
Men do know that fundamentally their role is and has been through the ages to protect and provide for their families. This is due to their (generally) larger size and strength, therefore hunting, gathering, building shelter, while the female cares for, nurses, protects, the young (his children). The female role is primarily to project, care for and nurture the young, but a good women nurtures and tries to project her husband from harm and undue stress. The fundamental of a truly healthy marriage is one of absolute support. We all need support or the demands of life can become too… Read more »
Sad that the job of a man is to be responsible for others. No wonder men kill themselves. Why can’t women take of others? How can this ever change when it i women who define love as what a man con do for her? How can she be treated like a queen. And why should men respect women? Where is the social respect for men by women? Sadly, guys your only role is to work your self into an early grave and share the wealth of that with others.
That’s not entirely fair. Protecting & Providing for loved ones is how most men stay anchored to this world. Masculinity is a self-sustaining moral code. It’s not indoctrinated, it’s existential. We’re mostly lost without it.
Btw.. the boys who were prattling on about privilege were obviously being indoctrinated by their parents or their teachers.
Allow me to point out that in accepting “Providing & Protecting” as a quintessential male focus of identity -while it is a noble ideal to attempt to live up to, and well worth the attempt as well – precisely and manifestly degenerates into existential expendibility unless accorded its due in honour and authority. I surmise that most who read these words will roll their eyes at the very notions of honour maintained as self- sacrifice, and authority commensurate with the self-sacrifice. Without that honour bringing commensurate authority, men are simply indentured servants sinking slowly into catastrophically existential slavery. For what’s… Read more »
What bothers me about this is that the boys who stated strength, being protective, providing for family appear to be demonized. No different then when the feminists demonized women for wanting to be stay at home moms. The way these boys see what being a man is, is what they see and they have every right to see it the way they do.Sadly, these boys are gonna have a hard time in life because they will be seen as misogynistic.
I like this
It seems that at least 3 have been raised as feminists. “7. Being a man to me means life is easy” “8. To be a man, it feels like we have more opportunities” “9. A man means that I get more privileges than women” There could be more as chivalry is espoused by both feminists and traditionalists. I wonder though. What happens when boys are TAUGHT that they don’t have to work as hard as girls? Do they simply not succeed in school as seems the case? Instead of answering your question, I think it would be more enlightening if… Read more »
“What happens when boys are TAUGHT that they don’t have to work as hard as girls? ” Or simply taught that they don’t have to work at all?
Better yet, what happens if they are taught not to pander, chase nor cohort with girls / women at all? Because that is exactly what MGTOW is teaching the generation behind us. It might just derail the whole damn thing, right into a glorious and warm anarchy / dystopia
Exactly. They do not succeed in school, and are now outnumbered on university campuses by a margin of 45% girls-55% boys. When it was the other way around it was an international crisis that the entire media howled about, that money was poured into changing, and that, obviously, was changed. So why the resounding silence now that things are reversed. The only fact-based answer is deeply institutionalized, systemic misandry.
My error: 55% girls-45% boys.
Id be very curious to know where they learned those things from. How can an 8th grader say that life as a man is easy when men have shorter life spans, are more likely to be the victim of nearly every form of violence, and are taught that they exist to help women.
Its almost like they are not getting the whole story in their lessons about gender…..