Lisa Levey sees violence in everyday life, violence in entertainment, and violence in her family and wants to know: “why”?
—-
The other day I was walking through the middle of Times Square in New York City on my way to a conference. A guy walking behind me was on his cell phone and I heard his part of the conversation. It went something like this:
“You’ve got to let the kid fight. You’ve got to let the kid play sports. He’s going to become an f’n faggot and you’re going to find him asking for your breasts one of these days. When he’s wrestling on the floor, he just wants to roll around. He’s got to learn how to f’n punch. He’s got to learn how to f’n fight.”
The guy was only a few feet behind me and I purposefully didn’t look back. I wondered what kind of man would have that conversation. I didn’t want to make assumptions. When finally I had to turn down another street, I glanced backward to take a look. What do you think I saw?
It was a pretty run of the mill white guy, medium height, brown hair, dressed in business clothes—khaki’s, a button down shirt, dress shoes and some kind of briefcase. Probably in his early 30’s. Was I surprised? No and yes. No because I really hadn’t formed a picture of whom this guy might be. Yes because he was so darn ordinary—some Joe Smo on his way to his work on a Monday morning.
♦◊♦
Truth be told, the conversation stopped me in my mental tracks when I first tuned in. I’m the mother of two sons (ages 12 and 16) and I struggle on a regular basis with the violence in our culture. My hope is to teach my boys about kindness and finding healthy ways to channel their aggression. They are hardly violent kids—really quite sweet—but they certainly have their moments as brothers when they get under each other’s skin and irritation devolves into someone whacking someone else. They’re drawn by the powerful forces of video games, sports, cop shows and action movies as is my husband (who in my jaded opinion might be the sweetest man on the planet.) All of these entertainment forms hold little interest for me and I struggle to understand their appeal.
I was at a friend’s house recently and the violence on TV was so visceral that I had to walk out of the room. There was a killing sequence in Breaking Bad that shocked me, one horrific violent killing after another in a rapid fire montage ending with a man being thrown in a room, doused with gasoline, set on fire and burned to death. Next up was a detective-type show where the death of a young teen age transgender kid, buried alive, was found to be at the hands of his older brother. I literally had to go in the other room because the images felt so disturbing. The next night, coming home late from my business trip and not being able to fall asleep, I tuned into David Letterman to see a scene from Wolverine with him speeding atop a bullet train trying to throw the other guy off. Hugh Jackman shared his excitement in watching the final product one early morning with his 12 or 13 year old son.
Watching my sons, like most little boys, gravitate toward warriors, ninjas, the good guys and the bad guys, swords of foam and wood, giant soaker water guns—benign typical stuff—I’ve worked hard to understand the attraction and not demonize what interests them. But I have to admit I struggle mightily with this whole thing, rampant violence wrapped up with an entertainment bow.
♦◊♦
I’ve seen a lot of anger, and some violence, in my own family. My older brother, the only boy in a family of six kids, got the short end of the stick. In my divorced family, there was no room for his energy, his boy-like, exuberant ways. He got hit as a solution to keep him in line. It never worked. He in turn punched holes in the walls of our house as a way to deal with his sadness, his hurt, his frustration. He was a very good athlete, a hockey player, but that outlet was insufficient to dissipate the pain. He continues to struggle mightily in his adult life at 50 something. Underneath all that aggression, underneath his seething anger which gets directed far and wide, at people he loves and at some random jerk who cuts him off in traffic, is just a little boy in a man’s body who didn’t get to feel safe when he needed it most.
A have not spoken to this brother in over five years. The last time I saw him, on a Christmas several years ago, he made some cutting remark about gay men. I inquired, “Why do you care who someone sleeps with? Who someone loves? With all the pain and judgment you felt as a child, why would you want to put more of that energy into the world?”
I guess he felt I was judging him, not understanding his point of view, and maybe I was. Despite my attempts to call him multiple times since then, he has never returned my call. It breaks my heart. I just don’t get it.
So I solider ahead, trying to find my way. I want to understand the male energy, to understand the male point of view. I don’t want to stand in judgment, but based on the pain I’ve felt, the pain I’ve seen among people I love dearly, I just don’t get the violence thing. I fear I never will.
—
Images: mattthecoolguy and ssoosay / flickr
A good start for your brother would be an apology from who ever disciplined him and also anybody who connived in the discipline, even if those siblings were in some way manipulated.. It’s never too late to tell a person what they mean to you and how important they are to you. It’s never too late to say sorry. That may allow him the space to heal, face and resolve any hurt he may have caused himself. He deserves this at least. Even if one of his sibling acknowledges their view on his trauma to him it might precipitate some… Read more »
One more aspect about violence, which is not so benign. Violence in some ways in certain circumstances and to some effect is power. Sometimes the purpose of exerting the power is control like in cases of domestic violence like what happened with your mom and brother. She tried to control his behavior through violence. In certain working class neighborhoods, violence can establish a sort of pecking order. There are many kids trying to stay out of gangs and most of the focus is on them, but there are also kids who actively try to join gangs. Some are successful and… Read more »
I agree with John that violence can be such an integral part of growing up in certain neighborhoods… It may even pervade into the “nicer”, more affluent neighborhoods in more not so obvious ways…. My husband and I have had to end two long term relationships with some close friends because of such issues…. Both males grew up in working class neighborhoods and resort to some old ‘hood code, even though they are all grown up and quite affluent….we have tried to discuss this rather disturbing issue with them and have gotten nowhere…. So we distanced ourselves for the sake… Read more »
I have two minds on this and my thoughts are split with a 100 foot wall right down the middle. I was a victim of bullying in school. The very people that taught their sons that violence was an answer made my life hell. The problem was that the people (teachers) who thought that violence was never an answer not only stole my one defence from being bullied but punished me when I did defend myself. Notice I didn’t say the teachers stopped the bullying – because they didn’t. The father at the start of your article I can sympathise… Read more »
James:
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can understnad how being bullied as a child is something you do not soon/ perhaps ever – forget. Based on the comment about martial arts and also your comment, I want to ponder this idea further of having the ability to protect yourself providing greater peace of mind, a sense of security and a freedon to more of who you are.
Lisa
Lisa, let me remind you of the simple fact that most countries have men armed to the teeth, ready to unleash hell indiscriminately if necessary (men, women or children) of other countries, I believe humanity as a whole are slowly progressing towards the understanding that for each country , culture or civilization to survive doesn’t not necessitate the killing & total destruction of the other, but we are not there yet, if we lucky enough we might reach that understanding soon enough before our mass killing abilities that had reached human extinction levels, let me remind you that women play… Read more »
I’ve had the conversation many times with others about how we – as a people could at any moment annihilate our world as we know it. We absolutely have the know-how, the capacity. That alone seems a hugely compelling reaons to find non violent appoaches to managing conflict. One bright light for me was an article I read in the Wall Strueet Journal within the last 2 or 3 years making the point that we as a people (as a world) are getting far less violent. This is not to say of course there is not violence or that violence… Read more »
I recently read an article about the appeal of violence on tv and horror films. As it turns out, people enjoy horror an action films as a catharsis, an outlet for frustration and aggression, a way to feel powerful in a world where each individual has little power. In these films and television shows, the women are almost always portrayed as the victims of violence and in need of rescue by the male protagonist, and therefore it is difficult for a woman to become interested because there is no power in seeing the characters who are meant to represent you… Read more »
I find that most women I know, love horror flicks. Surprising movies about love and romance, not so much anymore…..
2cents, have you ever watched any of the traditional slasher movies? In those films, it’s always the woman (who happens to be a virgin) that ends up the final victim and wins against the masked beast without the help of a man. So I have no clue where you get this idea that women are depicted as helpless victims in horror.
I’m gonna, as they say, “flip the script” and add another dimension to this. Change the channel from the violence and mayhem. Now you have the TV shows that demean men, make them look like idiots and in your brothers case, see shows that show the female as all powerful in sit-coms and dramas. Change the channel again and watch the news networks talk about the big bad men and countless expose’s on men and the bad things they’ve done. Leave the house and in my area walk down Lower Wacker Drive and observe the countless men living on the… Read more »
Tom: I don’t disagree that many of the norms for men are changing and men are struggling to find their place. But I also see a world where it’s not about one gender having the upper hand but about couples and families being stronger because of the partnership between men and women. In my book I suggest that a more shared approach to careers and raising children frees both women and men to have fuller, lives that encompass professional growth and caretaking. It also helps alleviate the pressure for men to feel they have to shoulder the financial burden and… Read more »
Not all women are like you. Most of my female friends really like true blood, a show marketed at women which has a lot of sex and violence.
The article should be titled “PEOPLE and violence one womans struggle to understand”
(Link NSFW as contains strong violence)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vajQ3EsXMoQ
And some women like watching football and UFC, etc. There are even women who encourage it, like hockey moms.
Mike:
I don’t disagree that some women enjoy media violence and do not see it as a problem (and some men struggle with it as much as I do), but based on my expeiece, more women struggle with rampant violence as a form of entertainment.
By the way Geena Davis the actress started a media research center to look at issues of gender in the media and center has done some great work ( http://www.seejane.org/ ).
Lisa
Lisa, you exist in this world because an untold number of your male ancestors, killed some other males who were trying to eliminate them too, as a matter of fact there’s is no human being in existence right now bud who’s some of his male ancestors didn’t rape, pillage & kill, in there way into survival as a part of evolution & survival mechanism, history proves it.
For violence on tv, it’s extremely important to know the context. Let’s take Superman and other hero type movies. They don’t want to be violent, they react, they don’t start the violence unless it’s to stop future violence. Superman doesn’t kill unless there is an extreme circumstance. Men are raised on the hero narrative, they are told to be protectors, soldiers, to fight for good. They hear of the damsel in distress, chivalry, etc. Women are raised to be the kind, loving nurturer, the safety for the man’s heart and he is the safety for her physical life, yin n… Read more »
But Archy, as much as I like action films too (well, ones that are well-written) there’s a trope I’m getting so sick and tired of having it played out on the screen. The trope that it’s always a little girl or woman in danger, which gains the audience’s sympathy. I have to wonder why there isn’t a major mainstream movie with a little boy in danger. Won’t that gain silmilar calls for action against the bad guys? Same trope with fathers as heros: It’s always their daughters in danger that spur them to action. Hardly any movie I know of… Read more »
I think studies proved that people have more sympathy for females in trouble vs men, which probably is true since men and boys are expected to be more self-sufficient. By the way, one of the absolute best and very popular movies on protective roles had a little boy named John Connor who was protected, Terminator movies have him protected. Sexual violence seems to be the one genre that still provokes a lot of protective emotion, such as the movie Taken where the daughter was kidnapped to be sold for sexual slavery. It strikes at many parents worst fears, sadly sexual… Read more »
Archy: The research I’ve seen on the connection between real violence and entertainment violence seems inconclusive. It does expand my thinking to consider that perhaps violence in the media or in video games is a means for some to process aggression in a safe way. Here’s the thing for me – and many other women I’ve spoken with about this issue though I would never say all women feel this way – the play violence so to speak does not feel like play at all. For me the imagery, the intensity feels very real so I choose not to partake.… Read more »
Hi Lisa, I meant that society overall has more empathy for the young female child. The most empathic type of abuse will be a young girl who is being sexually abused, I’d say that evokes the most rage. In regards to violent entertainment, when I am playing a game my aggression is lower. I can be mowing down pedestrians in GTA laughing like a mad man and be 0% angry or aggressive and just simply be laughing n happy. If I see the news of someone hit someone with a car, I’ll be very annoyed that it happened and wish… Read more »
“I’ve seen a lot of anger, and some violence, in my own family. My older brother, the only boy in a family of six kids, got the short end of the stick. In my divorced family, there was no room for his energy, his boy-like, exuberant ways. He got hit as a solution to keep him in line. It never worked. He in turn punched holes in the walls of our house as a way to deal with his sadness, his hurt, his frustration. He was a very good athlete, a hockey player, but that outlet was insufficient to dissipate… Read more »
Dear Eagle: Thank you for your comment. There is no one sadder than me feeling like my brother did not get the care and support he needed. I am younger by many years and among the clearest memories from my early life was seeing him hit. It was not a regular but an occassional occurrence and still the image lives in my head. I feel blessed to have built/ be building a very different world for my sons in partnership with my husband. Mostly, I try to understand some of their behaviors – which are different from my own natural… Read more »
Thinking a little about the violence we see portrayed in our media (books, film & television stories) versus the violence we see in our actual lives; despite the similarities in appearance, I’m reminded of the very different functional purposes they each serve. A narrative arc in a fictional story often relies on some form of conflict – to achieve a resolution, there must, of course, be something to be resolved; the greater the stakes, the greater the emotional investment from the audience. Though we may talk about ‘random’ violence in a tv show or movie, typically it is not- it’s… Read more »
“What do you think I saw? It was a pretty run of the mill white guy, medium height, brown hair, dressed in business clothes—khaki’s, a button down shirt, dress shoes and some kind of briefcase. Probably in his early 30’s…he was so darn ordinary—some Joe Smo on his way to his work on a Monday morning.” If I may offer one perspective- Though I understand the necessity of the rhetorical device, I must point out that it seems you have set the scene for your piece by taking ONE individual and made him representative of his entire gender. By describing him… Read more »
You make some very important points. I very much agree that stereotypes – good or bad – are reductionist because they seek to make every one in a group (whateiver the group – females, those who practice yoga, foot ball players, Italian men ) the same. In my diversity work, we distinguish between archetypes that help to decribe the tendencies/ behaviors of a group and sterotypes which are the assumption that every individual in the group behaves in a certain way. The second key point you make is that we all have stereotypes (again some good and some bad). My… Read more »
“You’ve got to let the kid fight. You’ve got to let the kid play sports.” “He’s got to learn how to f’n punch. He’s got to learn how to f’n fight.” I’m a former kick boxer / weight lifter who made a lot of people nervous when I wore my taekwondo jacket. People confuse the ability to perform violence with the propensity to perform violence. I haven’t been in a fight in about 25 years. Most of the people from my dojang are pretty much the same way. We got into a lot of fights when we were younger because… Read more »
John:
I am not very familiar with martial arts but have often heard that it is a skill, not a tendency toward violence. My impression is that those trained in the martial arts are very disciplined in mind and body. It’s interesting to consider that having this skill makes you feel safer — and thus freer – in the world.
Lisa
It’s kind of like a person owning a gun. They feel they can defend themselves so they don’t fear an attack. That’s why I’m ambivalent about gun ownership. I could see the argument on both sides. I like martial arts because you always take it with you, it’s almost always accessible (as long as you’re not intoxicated or something similar), and in general it can’t accidentally go off. I remember one of the guys telling me about the time he went to watch his first movie in 3D. It was a fight em up movie. A guy threw a spear… Read more »
Violent conflict is one of the most natural things in the world. We’ve only recently made it an oddity. As per usual, it’s men who’ve done the fighting, and who still do. It’s in our nature, but we moderns somehow don’t believe or know that to be the case. I’ve bottled up my aggressiveness fairly well. It’s mostly found its outlet in gaming. Violent gaming. Lots of armies, nuclear weapons and moutains of virtual bodies piled up miles high. Nice and civillized just the way we moderns like it, rather than the actual mountains of bodies piled up in the… Read more »
That’s not actually true.
In primitive un-contacted societies violence is perpetrated by everyone, and there is a dizzying array of different societal makeups, and attitudes to gender.
Male violence is a feature of societies with standing armies.
Fair enough.
Your brother cutting off communication is a really difficult thing to deal with. It sounds like he never learned how to communicate how situations, like being judged, make him feel. Having grown up as the only boy with three sisters, I can sympathize with the way in which your brother, to be frank, was marginalized. If as a child his feelings didn’t matter, then as a man why would he think other people’s feelings (like gay men) matter? At least my father was in the household, and by high school he no longer had to work 3 jobs to support… Read more »
I imagine that your brother’s pain runs very deep. Imagine being the only child in the family who was regularly hit. Then being told that you’re not allowed to hit others…
It’s tough.
Dave: Thanks for sharing a bit of your story. It is powerfu to hear that your father walked away from serving in the Vietnam War wanting to find non-violent ways to manage conflict. I would imagine many men who have had to face war firsthand might feel that way and be great teachers for other approaches to conflict. The intensity of growing up in my household impacted all of us but I’ve often thought that it seems boys get many fewer acceptable ways to process their challening feelings. Hardening yourself and anger are two approaches to dealing with feelings of… Read more »