I recently had a conversation with a friend who was beating up on himself (unfairly) about a (perceived) deficit that he (wrongly) feared would impact his beloved child negatively.
Believe me when I say not only could I relate very specifically to the personal crisis he was going through, I think ALL parents have the added layer of guilt in knowing that our mistakes, “flaws” and “failures” have a significant chance of adversely affecting our offspring.
But he was forgetting a critical element: he is a good man.
He is good husband in a happy marriage. He is a devoted and doting father to his daughter. And as a woman who grew up with a world-class Dad in a happy home, I can say without a doubt that there is no greater bedrock to build on; my Father’s support, encouragement, and protection were pretty much the definition of a “privileged upbringing.”
But the privilege was not about money. It was about having a safe place to grow into myself, knowing that whoever that turned out to be would be accepted and loved. My Dad is gone now, but having a good man for a father taught me a lot of things…
A Good Man Listens
My Dad was not one of those brings-home-the-bacon-and-thinks-his-job-is-done kind of guys. He and my mother conformed in most ways to typical gender roles (although my Mom was the bookkeeper, which was unusual in that era), but my Dad was an active parenting partner. We could just as comfortably go to him with our concerns, gripes, wishes and hopes as Mom, knowing he would not only listen but also provide helpful insight and feedback.
He also LISTENED to our Mother respectfully; he never dismissed her or anything she said in front of us. At night, no matter how tired they were, my parents always made time to talk to each other about the day, to reconnect. We kids knew this was a sacred ritual for them; what we didn’t realize was how extraordinary their commitment to it was.
A Good Man Supports Your Dreams
I started writing at a very young age and I can assure you that what I was producing was right about what you are imagining an elementary school child producing. No matter, my Dad was behind me all the way. When I wrote a collection of Christmas poems and stories (I mixed it up by also creating Christmas word searches and puzzles), he took them to work and Xeroxed a zillion copies (this was the 70’s, so it was all hand written) and sent them out to family and friends.
When I wrote (terrible) plays and coaxed (forced) the kids in the neighborhood to act in them, he and Mom opened the house for performances and had a celebration party afterwards. Later, in college and New York, when I was performing in plays myself and directing them, he never missed a show. As I pursued my dreams, I always knew my Dad had my back.
A Good Man Can Handle Differences of Opinion
As I grew into womanhood, my political beliefs and my Father’s diverged. And yes, we did ARGUE about it, sometimes quite passionately. But NEVER ONCE, not in the heat of the moment or otherwise, did my Dad make me feel like I had “let him down” or “disappointed” him by having opinions contrary to his. In fact, he ALWAYS let me know how proud he was of me for knowing my own mind and having a strong clear voice about it.
When I was in my 30’s, we were having a rousing political debate (think Bush v. Gore) that is memorable now not for its content but for the fact that Pop got so flustered that he slammed down the phone on me. Of course I melodramatically sobbed about this (one time, isolated) event to my husband, concluding “What am I going to do?” My husband shook his head and said, “Nothing. You know full well that when your Dad cools off, he will call and apologize.”
Which of course he did. Because…
A Good Man is Not Afraid to Apologize
my Father was not a temperamental man, to say the least. He was to his core a gentle soul. But like most humans he did on occasion get angry. Most of these episodes became comic in retrospect because they were so out of character; but every incident ended with a sincere apology. My Dad was very comfortable saying not only “I’m sorry” but also “I was wrong” and “I made a mistake.”
After he had a serious stroke, his speech became labored and often unintelligible to most. This did not stop me from continuing to engage in political debates with him, much to my Mother’s ire. She was understandably protective of him, but I knew that because he and I had such an intellectual connection, losing that part of our relationship would make him feel more diminished than he actually was. One night at dinner he got so frustrated that he stormed away from the table while my Mom glared at me. But he returned almost instantly with a hug and an apology. I’ll never forget what he said to me, “It is not my job to fight you. My job is to listen.”
And although we had many “discussions” after that day, we never had another “fight.” Because…
A Good Man is True to His Word
if my Dad said he was going to do something, he did it. He never dangled carrots he was not 100% capable and willing to deliver. He did not make promises he could not keep. He “voted with his feet”; his beliefs were demonstrated consistently by his actions. He embodied the truism, “If you are going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk.”
A Good Man Makes Women Feel Safe
There are no exceptions to this rule.
If the man is your dad, brother, friend, lover, husband, boss, co-worker, neighbor, mentor…NO EXCEPTIONS. There is nothing intrinsic to womanhood that should feel THREATENED in the presence of a male.
So how does a man make a woman feel safe? See points one through five, above.
◊♦◊
Photo: Unsplash
Kara is a speaker of truths and a visionary.
We can only strive to be one of the good men she writes about.
Beautiful work, Kara.