If a single word is enough to disregard an entire population’s feelings and humanity, you can imagine why people would want it erased from our vocabulary.
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Language is an extremely finicky thing.
Much like a snowball, a language picks up habits and normalcies from the culture that uses it as time goes on, especially our really bad habits like racism, sexism, and homophobia.
The word “retarded” is probably the most widely understood example of this. Because the R-word has been used to demean and delegitimize disabled people(even beyond those who live with Down’s Syndrome), it has gained an extremely unsavory reputation amongst disabled people and allies alike with a strong desire to squander the word from existence.
And rightfully so.
If a single word is enough to completely dismiss and disregard an entire population’s feelings, ideas, and humanity, you can imagine why those people would want it erased from society’s vocabulary.
What Is Problematic Language?
Problematic language is the use of any words or phrases that have specific, derogative meaning toward a specific marginalized group of people.
This includes women, people of Color, trans* and LGBQIA+ people, various immigrant groups, and a multitude of others – any group that doesn’t have legitimate power and authority within our society.
It’s likely that at one point or another while engaging in discussions on race, feminism, queerness, disability, or gender, you’ve seen someone who was called out by someone else for saying a word or phrase that didn’t agree with them for one reason or another.
It’s also likely that the response to this was one of frustration or defensiveness, or maybe even just pure outrage against “do-nothing slacktivism” or comments about how language policing is an infringement on their freedom of speech and First Amendment rights (neither of which arguments I can morally justify supporting).
The question I would like to pose to people who react this way is this:
Why are you so attached to these words?
Dropping a word or two from your vocabulary takes maybe a few days of intermittent thought to figure out an alternative word to replace it, and then you can move on with your life.
By not adjusting your language, however, you are instead being complacent in making members of marginalized groups uncomfortable and risk being triggering for the rest of your life.
The psychological and emotional trade-off cost clearly favors the person using the word to change their behaviors, yet this suggestion is frequently met with backlash and outrage.
This issue comes up like clockwork anytime someone mentions cultural appropriation or problematic language, and it renders the attempt at education completely null in the discussion.
There is an appropriate way to handle these conversations that maintains your rights as a human and respects the person who has called you out, and I think presenting a standard formality might be useful.
But first, an explanation of why problematic language is so terrible.
Problematic Language Is Violence
Like I mentioned above, language carries all of the burdens of our culture with it.
The word “tranny,” for instance, has been, and continues to be, used consistently by cisgender people who wish to hurt trans* women with physical or verbal abuse.
And since the word has always been used congruently with hate and violence, it has absorbed a socially-crafted connotation of hate and violence. Therefore, you cannot say the word without tapping into the hate and violence of previous generations.
This is the reason why people not in the affected minority group can say, “It’s just a word! It only has power over you if you let it!” They haven’t experienced the abuse caused by people who have used that word viciously, and so to them it is “just another word.”
But because of the word’s history, it has roots in psychological abuse, andpsychological abuse doesn’t just end when the victim wants it to.
No matter how funny you’re trying to be, no matter how edgy you want to sound, problematic words are systematically violent, and if you give half a damn about the success and well-being of an oppressed group of people, you will also be sure to avoid the words and phrases that have haunted them through the decades.
How Do I Call Someone Out When They Use Problematic Language?
Here’s where the “standard formality” comes into play.
Several months ago, a friend of mine taught me a method of addressing derogatory terms that was learned in Safe Space training at University of Wisconsin, Eau Claire. It goes as follows:
“You just used the word _____. Are you aware of what that word means?”
If they say no: “This word means _____ and is used as a slur against _____ people, making them feel hurt/delegitimized/scared/etc. Please don’t use this word around me anymore. I’ve found that replacing it with _____ works well. Thank you.”
If they say yes: “Then I’m sure you understand the harm it brings _____ people, and I would prefer if you didn’t use the word around me anymore. Thank you.”
This calm and un-inflammatory way of addressing harmful language turns what could have been a back-and-forth battery of accusations into a simple request with a handy alternative option.
This effectively dismantles any us-versus-them feelings that could automatically put someone on the defense and allows them to skip the confusion stage where they might think, “Well, what word am I supposed to use, then?!”
It also gives the person practice in thinking about their vocabulary and how they use it, which will likely stick with them even if you’re not around.
Once they get themselves out of the practice of using that derogatory term around you, it will begin to work itself out of their at-hand dictionary altogether.
Like any time you would call someone out, though, remember to choose your battles.
Calling someone out every time they use a problematic term will not only start to wear away at your own mental health, but it may also make you seem less credible and possibly condescending, which will drive them away instead of bringing them in.
How Do I Respond When Someone Calls Me Out on my Word Choice?
The number one way that being called out should be handled (in almost any situation) is to respond the same way you would respond if you put your foot down and heard a crunch.
Is it broken glass? a stick? a small animal? I’m not sure, but you’d better lift your foot and back up ‘cause whatever it was wasn’t supposed to be stepped on.
In that same regard, you should always assume that the person calling you out has legitimate reason to do so and treat them with respect.
It takes nerves and emotional energy to risk putting oneself out there to call someone out, and the act shouldn’t be taken for granted or easily dismissed.
It also takes some pretty thick skin to be able to know that you can withstand what might possibly turn into an all-out trolling attack against you, and you can bet your top dollar that that thick skin came from a lifetime of systematic abuse and disrespect when the person deigned to raise their voice on an issue.
Don’t continue that trend.
Simply respond with “I’m sorry I said something damaging – I’ll refrain from using it,” and then don’t use it again unless someone from within that group specifically asks you to use it to refer to their identity.
It would also be in good form to Google the term so you can learn for yourself and better explain to others why it’s harmful.
Reclaimed Words
There is a pretty significant clause that needs to be addressed about the reclamation of words.
Sometimes members of a marginalized group will take back a word that was used against them in the past (“queer” being my personal favorite, and “faggot” and “cunt” being other examples).
Reclaimed words should be used only by people within the marginalized group that the term is specific to, and by no one else.
Reclamation is an act of regaining power over the abusive word, and because of that, only people abused by the term can reclaim it.
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Overall, I want this piece to act as a call for everyone, especially those who have had the good fortune of never having to feel the slice of an oppressive slur, to better understand the damage and impact that language can have on a populous and why it holds that power.
Racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, and trans*phobia are bullshit, and the most common way that they are communicated is not through overt violence, but by subtle hints in the language and culture surrounding us that serve exclusively to tell us that we are lesser – that we are second class citizens, and that our voices don’t matter.
The more we recognize how what we say determines who finishes on top, the better off we will be as a society.
Originally appeared at Everyday Feminism
Kaylee Jakubowski is a Contributing Writer and Online Community Manager for Everyday Feminism. She is a trans*, queer feminist who prides herself on being an educator on issues of queerness and gender. She is in her last semester at Winona State University in Minnesota pursuing a B.S. in Statistics with a minor in Women’s & Gender Studies. She is also in the process of writing a book that will formally organize and explain gender philosophies within the trans* community. Feel free to add her on Facebook, follow her on Tumblr and her personal blog, or see what she’s up to musically. Read her other articles here.
Photo: Flickr/Marco40134
In high school I was the victim of tons of homophobic attacks and decided I was going to “reclaim” the word faggot, since apparently I had a lot of “gay” traits.
Except I identify as straight. I haven’t actually used the word in aninappropriateg manner probably ever and not even self-referentially for almost a decade, but I’m curious what thoughts people have about it. I sort of feel like it was inappropriate, but at the time it probably saved lives.
I agreed and read hungrily hoping you would address the use of the word ‘nigger’ when you started to discuss ‘reclaimed’ words. I was wholly disappointed that it was not even mentioned. I was dismayed that it falls under your acceptable-amongst -those-marginalized category. Please discuss.
In my experience if I tell (usually) a straight white guy friend that racist or sexist jokes or language makes me uncomfortable and that I try not to associate myself with racist or sexist language, they’ll completely dismiss my feelings on the topic and laugh at me or think I’m being overly sensitive. So, there is always a possibility you’ll be made a laughing stock or feel completely disrespected if you politely call someone out. Of course, these people probably aren’t very intelligent and don’t think very deeply, but when you call someone out, it can be very uncomfortable if… Read more »
“By not adjusting your language, however, you are instead being complacent in making members of marginalized groups uncomfortable and risk being triggering for the rest of your life.”
I think you mean “complicit,” not “complacent.” Although complacency can certainly lead to being complicit in wrongdoing.
I only bother to correct that because this is such a great article, which I’m sharing. Please feel free to delete (or not allow) this comment, as it’s not really an addition to the discussion.
What happened to different classes of people speaking ignorantly freely? If someone says something offensive around you and it bugs you, call them out on it. That’s communicating! Why is it that people look for a daddy figure to come and back them up and put a person in jail for saying a bad word? Some people are low class, poor moral carrying, unethical loud mouths that blab out words because they lack a better term to express their ignorant minds. This article is great in that in provides what to do in those situations when you have a run… Read more »
Oh come on, grow up and just say what you mean – that you like being hateful and you want to be allowed to continue to be hateful without being called out for it. You do not really lack the intellectual capacity to understand that slurs are INHERENTLY offensive and the people who use them are being deliberately hateful, and this “choose to react” bullshit is just that – bullshit.
As conscience, morality, & decency demand, I think one can reasonably and ethically accommodate others- insofar as any free individual is obligated to (generously & judiciously) accommodate any other individual. I also think that one can believe & advocate that there are some moral or ethical absolutes (or near-absolutes), without being a moral absolutist. That is; it’s not difficult to say with certainty that racism, sexism, homophobia, bigotry and prejudice are morally, ethically, and absolutely wrong; and that language, used as a tool to foment it (by design, by ignorance, or by error) is equally wrong & undesirable. But… Read more »
I’m on board with you up to a point. I disagree with excluding anyone other than those who belong to a particular group from using reclaimed words. How else is one to refer to a group, if not by the terminology which that group self-identifies with? This presents a particular challenge for an Ally who does not identify with a particular label to describe the people they are trying to support. I suggest that perhaps a more nuanced approach is necessary: reclaimed words ought to be used only in contexts in which they are supportive of, or neutral to, the… Read more »
What groups are you referring to? What groups have names that you can’t use? In addition, you’re taking the focus off these groups, and problematic language, and making it about “allies.” FYI you’re not an ally if THAT is what you got from this article.
IMO, the word retarded is a descriptor that is not the same as a derogatory slur. Sure it can be used that way as any other word can be, but the mentally or intellectually challenged are retarded, as in late, or behind the norm curve. It is not mdeant the same way as cracker, or other words for race or sexual orientation, those ate slur words. They use those terms to demean. For example, I may say you were gay. That is a proper description in today’s vernacular. But if I say faggot or any other more disgusting adjectives it… Read more »
It’s ALL about the intention. If a man says, “I am a proud gay man” that’s different than a guy looking at his friend who is having an emotional moment and saying, “Dude, you’re so gay.”
One is derogatory.
To say, “That retards the growth of the plant’ in horticulture is not offensive. To say that a person is ” a retard” is derogatory.
All normally-functioning adult humans and most children can tell the difference.
It’s ALL about the intention. Are you saying that intentions are actually important or relevant? Because some prior articles have been yelling the opposite. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hesaid-intent-vs-impact-why-your-intentions-dont-really-matter/ Once certain terms are considered to have a mostly derogatory usage and connotation, then it seems that they should not be spoken at all in respectable discourse, and that even allegedly benign intentions of the speaker cannot redeem the use of those words. But I agree that what seems to be important are the attitudes and intentions associated or inferred from the words. Words like “moron,” “imbecile,” and “idiot” used to be clinical terms, but… Read more »