Perhaps you think you’ve read every post on the topic of pussy grabbing.
And maybe this piece of writing won’t be much different from the last eight hundred and sixty-seven others that have crossed your news feed during Pussy Gate 2016.
Yet there is a possibility it will sever from the rest.
Donald Trump’s repugnant and utterly offensive words forced a much-needed, yet tough, conversation with my sixteen-year-old son this week. Current events at school this year have been somewhat of a car wreck, and my children have been left in twenty sixteen’s wake. Donald Trump’s audio tape appeared to be the metaphorical straw.
After attending class Monday, my sixteen-year-old came to me with, by far, the most daunting and loaded question I have ever caught leave his lips.
In his words.
“So…Mom…what is it that creates Rape Culture? Is it perpetuated (yes his words—this kid kills me), solely by men who believe they have the right to control women? Is it status, wealth, narcissism, insecurity, or…Mom…is it ignorance? I don’t get why anyone would ever talk about a woman or threaten a woman with assault, it doesn’t make sense, every person, good or bad, has a Mother.”
My jaw dropped. Not because my son had the cojones to talk to me about Rape Culture, but because he had the acumen to truly think it through. To wonder what caused it, and to acknowledge its existence. May I remind you, he is sixteen years old. There are fifty-year-old men and women out there who refute the existence of Rape Culture, particularly Rape Culture upon women.
I had no clue how to answer such a question, as a survivor of rape, I didn’t want to jade my answer with emotion. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel he required to hear all that encompasses Rape Culture, as to make an unbiased decision. To truly understand how a woman feels, more so, how it has affected his Mother.
Besides, how can anyone make an impartial judgment concerning Rape Culture without hearing or understanding the effects of rape?
With that in mind, I felt as though it was time to explain to my son what had happened to his Mother.
I took a deep breath, and without extensive detail, I explained my abuse as a child and my rape as a teenager. I went on to explain how I’d felt when confronting my abusers, as well as reporting them to the police.
I explained: I felt shame, embarrassment, guilt, and the terror of ever feeling any of those sensations again—that on a daily basis, I fear to leave my car parked in the dark, go on a morning jog, or even go to a bar by myself, whether or not is to meet friends there. Not solely because I fear I could be raped again, but because most women are on guard, most of the time.
I described, almost every woman carries this anxiety, not just because they have experienced what I have, but have experienced some type of unwanted pressure from a man in their lifetime. Whether it be a kiss, a hug, or an unwanted conversation.
I also went on to explain the unwanted blow-job, the one many teenage girls use to appease the harsh realities of feeling they put themselves in a position requiring sex and felt it too late to back out. I needed him to understand, no means no. There is a pressure on women to appease, often out of fear, or disappointment. A pressure a teenage boy NEEDS to understand.
Judge me how you must, the kid is sixteen. I cried myself to sleep after being pressured to give a guy a hand job, at exactly his age.
A look of dismay enveloped his face. But what I didn’t expect was the look of confusion as he realized he had never had these emotional or feared responses as a man, while alone, ever. He understood consent, but not pressure, the culture in which surrounds rape and sexual assault, mainly towards women.
He then put his hand on my shoulder, “Wow, Mom, I am sorry, but I am sorrier that anyone EVER made you feel you had to do something you didn’t want or gave you fear. I wish they knew they were continuing the problem. I wish men knew that it is shameful to use their power against women, but I wish that never happened to you, the most.”
He felt compassion, a much-needed emotion in the world of Rape Culture.
Apparently, my Son, whom I thought I taught there is no gender divide, felt a gender divide. He, at sixteen, can recognize he has the privilege of walking down a dark street without fear. Something most women don’t. He can see the epitome of Rape Culture, not because I told him he had to, but because in his sixteen years of life, he has not one time felt the fear or concern I did at his age.
Simply because I am a woman, and he is a man.
Mr. Trumptastic’s leaked audio tape, filled with the vulgar, obscene and the ILLEGAL notion of “Grabbing ’em by the pussy,” when a man desires. Then swiftly excused as “Locker room talk,” fueled an already toxic Rape Culture bias.
It has caused women to speak out, and forced much-needed conversations. But his actions are not new. Rape Culture isn’t a Trump issue, it’s a social issue. However, because he has the ability to become the next president, it’s also a serious concern.
Rape culture exists and is thriving. But I shouldn’t have to sit at my laptop and write these words; I shouldn’t have to inform anyone that there is a culture that exists in which (mainly) women are blamed, accused, and shamed for being raped.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SAY THIS.
Especially to my son.
Has Brock Turner taught us nothing? Or do we have to endure another privileged white male with little to no consequences for his illegal and morose actions? I beg we take an honest look at what Rape Culture is doing to our society. Because I can’t afford to raise my Son and Daughter in this putrid environment. I will not stand for it.
It isn’t solely the words “Grab ’em by the pussy,” that pissed people off. Better yet, pissed me off. But the unyielding and grim reality, a man who may hold the power of a country in his hands, has no clue about RAPE CULTURE, and it would seem; he doesn’t give a fuck. None of us can afford to have a leader who believes it’s okay to joke about sexual assault.
Don’t ask us why we are angry, don’t tell me, it happens to men too. Because the reality is, if a woman spoke in the way The political Carrot Top did, they would first be ostracized, then called a whore or slut, by the same people who believe Donald J. Trump said nothing wrong. We the people are better than this.
We can change Rape Culture by talking about the effects of Rape.
Sexual assault is not “Locker room talk.”
It. Is. Rape. Culture.
◊♦◊
This piece was originally posted on Darla’s Blog. You can find the link here: Trump, you are rape culture.
And thank you for sharing this!
Don’t tell you that it happens to men too? Why? Can’t face reality? I guess you think male victims like me should shut up. All that does is reveal the type of person this author is.
A long time ago I was a part time driver and body guard for a home stripper company. The shows were more entertainment then sexual. Keep in mind that the strippers never went full frontal yet in all the time that I did this, the ONLY show I had to stop was because of women being too aggressive with the male stripper. It was women ( group) that were trying to take things too far.
Here is prt of the “rape culture” that’s seldom discussed and that is the countless unsubstantiated accusations against men. The young boys have a good chance of being wrongfully accused of rape. EDUCATE your boys so that they understand that as males, they run a high risk of BEING accused. That education should also include the potential of their significant other accusing them of molesting their child. It’s all part of the same package., yes?
Actually, males have a significantly greater chance of being sexually assaulted by another male than ever being falsely accused. Come to think of it, males are much more likely to be falsely accused of theft than assault. Yay statistics .
And it is this type of dismissive dogma that causes men to do exactly what is done in this article. Even if we were to take the (real) rape culture that we support in our prisons out of the picture, do we ignore men falsely accused, continue to take our rights away because it’s a minority? Do minority victims, now that it is men, become moot? That is the hypocrisy, that and the fact that we still don’t know about the reality of female on male rape, especially young boys. All indication (speaking of “Yay statistics” is that it is… Read more »
Speaking of derailing … You just did it yourself. Rather then recognizing what I said as prt of the need to educate, you went right into “well men rape men… ” Being falsely accused of stealing a monkey wrench is not going to be as life changing as being falsely accused of sexual assault. But you do bring up a good point in that a man BECAUSE he’s a man is more likely accused simply because he’s a man.
This article is incredibly offensive and a slap in the face to every man who has experienced rape and sexual assault. It is articles like these that push the narrative that it is impossible for men to get raped and that if they are raped, they do not deserve any help since women victims are more important.
Even better is the rape apologist style that’s being used…… It’s inconsequential, Rare (nope), not the same as men don’t really feel, Girls / women would not do that sort of thing ( yep they do )….etc……
Women are not better or worse than men are ….. same capability for evil and just as commonly evil.
I remember when prostate cancer was rarely talked about. As many men died from prostate cancer as women died from breast cancer. Yet, I never remembered anyone saying it was a benefit to men to not be concerned with prostate cancer until of course it killed you and it was too late to do anything about it. Although I’ve seen push back against prostate cancer awareness programs (Really, who can be against saving lives, but there are a few), I’ve never seen them say that men were better off not being concerned with it. That the ignorance was somehow a… Read more »
quick note about prostate cancer, This administration cut funding for research.
I was at a bar having drinks with friends and a couple women that approached me, which were served by the wait staff. I know one of the women asked me if I every had a f*ck me harder and I said no. I know she left to get the drink. I have no memory of having drunk it though I know that I had because my friends told me. I know that I left with the two women because my friends told me. I’m pretty sure I know what occurred that night. Not the details, but over all. When… Read more »
John Anderson
I am so sorry this happened to you.
Somehow I feel this is like a double rape.
First exploiting your trust by giving you a drugged drink ,then exploit you once again. Or probably several times.
Thank you for telling us.
Now I understand better why you sometimes are so angry.
How about the woman that rapes a guy and afterwards considers it to have been a gift. Because if a women did it it never could be rape…..All “Real”men want it all the time……so if you say anything you get shamed as not being a man on top of being raped……. 5hrs of boiling hot water in a shower afterwards and I didn’t feel clean……a GF who when told at first claimed I’d cheated….again ’cause men always want it. And BS articles like this one that …. along with the lovely comments that tell us to disregard our pain as… Read more »
Alot of us have been “raped” or assulted by women, especially as young boys. Four of my closest friends growing up were all done. We just dont talk about that because “it would harm women”.
it does not effect us the way ti does girls, but it does effect us in ways we that are not spoken of. That is yet another one of the “secrets” that the dysfunctional do not want to let out of the closet.
We don’t know, because we don’t want to know.
This is what we are up against.
DJRoukan
“it does not effect us the way ti does girls, but it does effect us in ways we that are not spoken of. ”
It is about time to speak about it.
And to not speak about does not protect women, only those women that raped and assaulted these boys and men.
It harms the relationship between men and women not to bring it out into the open. We will understand each other better when we see the whole picture.
I hope that you understand, Darla, that none of the comments are about you, or this topic. In happier times guys would more then likely say, “that’s great, I’m glad that you have that kind of open relationship and discussions with your kids. It’s just a trigger for guys right now, one more issue stacked on top of an infinite number of others, and a culture of blame, of men. for me personally? I respect you, enjoy reading you, and have commented on that in the past. For me also, I’m tired of seeing guys get blamed for everything from… Read more »
I tell my kids all the time about the myth of rape culture in this country. If you are so scared about it then move to Sweden. Oops, can’t go there. How about Australia? Nope, not there either. Oh I’ve got it, Scotland. Nah. The US doesn’t even register on the top 25 countries for per capita rape. Quit the chicken little sky is falling crap.
Jesus. This comment section is depressing. Of course men get raped as well. In fact, I’d venture to say that if you understand the underlying motivations in jail rape, you understand all rape (hint: power). The author’s son didn’t ask about how toxic masculine stereotypes and expectations are harmful to men, he specifically inquired about rape culture. As a student working towards her PhD in forensic psychology, when we discuss rape, we do so primarily in terms of men raping women. Because the stats are overwhelming (UCR, GSS etc. ) When we discuss rape prone cultures (vs rape free cultures;… Read more »
You think the comment section is depressing, try being a male victim. And the stats are skewed because we ignore male victims, because they are shamed if they do come forward. Twenty years ago I had these same discussions with women about domestic violence, and now, because men such as myself would not shut up, we understand that women are not the only, or even majority who suffer such, We know that a male is more likely to be the victim of DV, but that women suffer more on the extreme end. Those are the facts, and the stats are… Read more »
I don’t disagree with you. I most familiar with Canadian statistics. Here, 70% of DV incidents (as per UCR) are “mutual and mild.” However, like you mentioned, women are overwhelmingly the victims of the extreme cases; ie. Choking, kicking, cutting, burning, stabbing…death. And yes, I’ve read horrific, horrific cases of women abusing men. These are categorical outliers nonetheless. The thing about abuse is, it generally rolls downhill. For example, Canada has this rampant problem of missing and murdered indigenous women. Racism meet sexism. Those most marginalized in a society are the most vulnerable, and frequently experience abuse. Have you ever… Read more »
And men are treated as both sex objects and success objects. Women also use their sexuality to both rape, and manipulate men but you don’t want to see all of the truth, just that which supports your dissonance. I see both. When I speak on behalf of women, all ears. When I do for men there is inevitable one or two women that will begin to pontificate and dismiss with such vitriol as “women have it worse so STFU”. You see it, know it, but continue to deny it. Now that you have to finally admit that it exists, you… Read more »
If you go into thise discussions the way you came into this one, it’s not the subject matter that they avoid. Just my observation.
“And that’s just it, in our cultural narrative, women are generally thought of and treated as sexual objects. ” What about the hordes of women who MAKE themselves sex objects? Women who are active participants in this cultural narrative? For example, the women women who make porn videos, women who dress proactively around high status men such a professional athletes, women who use their sexuality to manipulate men, women who post nude pics of themselves online, who wear see through yoga pants, Ivy League educated women who are escorts and/or strippers, sugar babies……I can on and on with this. They… Read more »
You also missed saying that in the overwhelming majority of cases of DV the woman struck first……Where is your campaign to inform and end that? That physical violence is never acceptable …….. and how stupid it is to start beating on someone bigger and stronger than yourself….(not that beating on small weaker persons OK either……Like how women commit the vast majority of the child abuse) Funny how you avoided that part of the statistics….an agenda maybe? On the Macro level women are neither more or less evil, cruel, kind or loving than men are…simply are people the same as men… Read more »
No, we are speaking men and boys being raped by women……Manipulated statistics that deny rape by envelopment and only see it as possible by penetration……deny men the right to even call what a woman did to them as rape. Amanda by doing this, you are a rape apologist….. thank you for denying / minimizing mine and one hell of a lot of other men’s personal experiences
Good.lord.
This article is about rape culture. You are derailing. It is absolutely necessary to question the hegemonic male supremacist discourse that defines women as sexual objects.
Thought experiment : if I were to write an article detailing the reality of elder abuse, and someone interjected to state: “but children get abused too..”
would you not interpret it as a classic example of derailment?
Yes. I get it. Men get raped too- remember the part where I mentioned prison rape?
Do you get the collection of these statistics has been politicized. That Rape being considered as only if the victim is penetrated……and for a man raped by a woman Envelopment is most common yet considered not really rape?
If you want to end rape culture you need to look at all viewpoints, not just those that agree with your own. The common concept that men always want and are always receptive to sex is one of the bedrock issues …. till that is made as laughable as “she was dressed sexy so she wanted it” you will fail to progress.
Not talking about prison rape, but something far more insidious, something that YOU keep helping to sweep under the rug. We are speaking of unreported crime that everyone (say perhaps for you) sees but does not speak of.
Stop preaching dogma and take a long hard look in the mirror.
” if I were to write an article detailing the reality of elder abuse, and someone interjected to state: “but children get abused too..” would you not interpret it as a classic example of derailment?” Would you write such a piece in a children’s venue? Would you blame children for the abuse of the elderly? This is the crux of the issue here. Women come to GMP to admonish men about things such as “rape culture.” It is deeply offensive on a number of levels. First, men such as myself who think it is just a crock of shit are… Read more »
@ Amanda Peabody
“Yes. I get it. Men get raped too- remember the part where I mentioned prison rape?”
Look at the definitions used. Forced envelopment is not counted as rape, which is the main way a woman rapes a man. That would be like saying that rape was a lot less common when marital rape wasn’t considered rape. That’s what is meant by manipulated statistics.
“Manipulated statistics?”
I specifically mentioned rape statistics as reported by the UCR and GSS. If you don’t know what these are then it is quite possible your opinion is uninformed.
How do you see it as “derailing?” Rape is rape, yes? Male rape isn’t rape?
I think we’re missing the the idea that the author was only speaking of the real important type of rape…….where a woman is the victim…… not the inconsequential types involving men or boys as victims….particularly if the perp was a woman.
……….Double Standards at work……..
Of course these are unimportant as males are the ones being negatively effected
What do you suggest Amanda? This site only talks about male victims once every three or four months or so. Can’t go to a feminist site, they don’t want to talk about it either.
Round and round we go “this deserves to be talked about, but only after we’ve gone over Male on female rape another thousand times. And then we’ll only talk about it in the most abstract way possible, never actual examples of female rapists.”
So what do you suggest we men do at this “site for men”?
Discuss ways to end rape culture? Just a thought…
There is no such thing Amanda.
Just another feminist bullshit creation. I have a 19 year old son. He is NOT a presumed rapist just because he is a male. I will go to hell and back for him. I and other men have had enough of this crap.
Rape culture is a myth. Rape is a reality and it is a crime. This notion that we live in a culture here in America where rape is the norm and it is condoned is just pure bullshit. Enough is enough.
@ Amanda Peabody “Discuss ways to end rape culture? Just a thought…” That’s what’s happening. Rape culture is being challenged especially this concept of men not having to be raped by women and that rape of men by women is very rare. Do you realize that much of that statistic is derived by the fact that rape is defined in such a way as to require penetration and since women don’t have to penetrate a man what they did is not legally classified as rape? You might want to check out the CDC stats on sexual victimization. Almost as men… Read more »
@ Amanda “The author’s son didn’t ask about how toxic masculine stereotypes and expectations are harmful to men, he specifically inquired about rape culture.” I think the problem is that people are saying that she could have answered the question / handled the discussion without actually furthering “rape culture”. Parents aren’t precluded from correcting a child’s misconceptions because she doesn’t believe that it was directly related to the question asked especially when this misconception was clearly stated.I don’t think it was something she ever considered. People are just saying that in the future, it’s something that she should consider. Somehow… Read more »
Men and boys can be raped as well. Does the author even care about that?
The point isn’t that males don’t get raped, the point is that women and men culturally live in two different worlds. I, of course, am empathetic to all rape, as a survivor I know it first hand.
Men don’t generally fear walking to their car, or fear being left in a room with a woman at a party. My point is, my son understood as a soon to be man, he has never had this fear, and women, we do daily.
That would be foolishness on the part of women. Women are less likely to be victims, but apparently are more afraid. Your feelings do not simply justify themselves, you need to temper them with logic and reason.
Why did you say don’t tell me that men get raped in the article that f you don’t care? You have no compassion for male rape victims.
Is that really all you took from this post? That is always the immediate response by men when women talk of being raped, “men can be raped too”. She has male children, of course she has considered that men and boys can be raped.SMH
Ats because we ignore the rape of males, even laugh at it, We portray violence against men, by women, as fodder for sitcoms, laugh at that too. Meanwhile I just saw on the news yet another boy of 18 committing suicide because of it. We, as a society, ignore it especially when done by women.So of course men are going to speak up, especially when this is a board that is suppose to be discussing how society harms men. Right? Further, like DV, where we’ve ignored male victims, we’ve only begun to see the glint on the tip of the… Read more »
Agreed. It’s almost as if half the fellas responding didn’t read the article.
The problem Laura is that we have a segment of society (the liberal side) that makes its living off of grievances and victimization on the one hand but talks incessantly about equality. However, you must be a member of one of those “protected classes” to have a grievance or be a victim, at least according to their way of thinking. So, it begs the question: equality for whom? As a Black man, I am well aware of the fact that certain groups have been victims to a greater extent than others in the history of our republic. But, I thought… Read more »
@ Laura McGowan “of course she has considered that men and boys can be raped.SMH” I don’t want to disparage the author, but having read the conversation, I doubt that very much at least since he turned 13 or so. Granted sometimes these discussions are hard for me. I’ll miss things. Not intentionally, but there are things, phrases, concepts, that are upsetting based on my experiences. I’m sure she’s never considered it, but anyone who advances the concept that men don’t have a credible concern of being sexually assaulted by women, is not acting the best interests of their sons… Read more »
I am sorry about what you had to go through but I don’t think its helpful to create or perpetuate the idea of such a one sided rape culture. Of course you are going to speak on it from your own perspective and experience but it might be worth it give your son the full picture of rape culture rather than limiting it to “something male commit against females”.
I agree that we should take an honest look at rape culture. But its not exactly honest to frame it solely in terms of males as perps and females as victims.
It isn’t that women are solely the victims of rape, but mainly the victims of RAPE Culture, which includes living in fear daily. I am extremely empathetic to rape, I am a survivor of both rape and molestation. But there is a gender divide, that men do not recognize because they have never lived it. I can’t say I know what it is like to be a man who has suffered abuse, but I do know, that my Son recognized he lives in less fear than any woman does.
Hi Darla, But there is a gender divide, that men do not recognize because they have never lived it. I can’t say I know what it is like to be a man who has suffered abuse, but I do know, that my Son recognized he lives in less fear than any woman does. There is a bit of a contradiction in this. You don’t know what its like to be a man that has suffered abuse but you know that men dont live in any sort of fear or recognize any gender divide. Male victims of sex crimes are regularly… Read more »
@ Darla I mean no disrespect. I’m sorry what happened to you. Sometimes something in a story just hits and I’m just holding on for the ride. It took a while for me to even make a comment. You wouldn’t think your sons was better off not getting medical check ups. You wouldn’t think your sons was safe staying out till 2 in the morning. You might not feel comfortable with him going through certain neighborhoods although when I was young the best places to eat on the cheap were in the roughest part of town. When you’re a young… Read more »
You do understand that Teen boys and men are often in the situation where they feel they can’t say no? Where the fear of public humiliation for not being a man or fear of retribution for simply saying I’m not into you that way…. pushes guys into going along with what she wants?
Did you really fail your son by not stating it about abusers, not men or women…? Failed to inform him that he has the same right not to be coerced, threatened or humiliated for turning a girl down sexually?
I think that was the point, he understood fully that RAPE is wrong, whether it male or female. Yet he also learned there is a different culture amongst men and women, that women MORE OFTEN live in fear of walking down a dark street, more often hear lewd comments excused as “Locker room Talk”, I believe he learned, those things are unacceptable with either gender.
You do know that men are overwhelming the victims in violent assault….. Guys are fearful of walking down a dark street also…… just not allowed to admit it….mainly thanks to comments like yours…
Darla seems to think men don’t feel any pain when they get raped. She needs an education.
Can you not comment your advise without being so condescending? I’m positive she could write a brilliant piece on both sides of the matter, but this was/is in reference to the bs that came out of a mans mouth, that is suppose to be a role model for an entire country. Now your input is absolutely welcomed, but the way you went about it just seems as if you’re annoyed because a woman wrote about it. Now I’m off to research how rape culture effects men and boys and put something together. Peace✌
“Can you not comment your advise without being so condescending?”
Sure guys can, when the eye batting condescending attitudes, accusations, male bashing, ignoring stop we sure will.
Stop talking and start listening so you begin to get it. It’s only going to get worse if you don’t, and no thanks, I’ve read those “articles”. They are more dangerous then the ignorance, when written from a feminist perspective, using feminist rhetoric, feminist research.
All set with that.