“How many fingers today hon?”
That was the question my wife would ask me every day when I came home from work.
Depending on how bad the traffic was and how many times I was offended by some jerk cutting me off, failing to yield, drifting into my lane, or pulling some other jackass driving stunt, I would give her a number. A good day was a one or a two. A bad day, half a dozen. This signified how many times I’d flipped someone the bird that day.
At the time, I was delivering soil and rock with my one-ton flatbed, to homeowners and construction sites in San Francisco and Oakland, navigating the maze of freeways, steep hills, and narrow driveways. I had a bumper sticker on that Ford F350 that said, “Real Storytellers Have Day Jobs.” Driving was mine. I loved going to different places and meeting new people every day. But the driving itself was stressful. My middle finger was getting a lot of exercise.
Then two things happened at about the same time. Someone was shot on the Bay Bridge in a road rage incident, and I discovered a book called The Way of Chuang Tzu. In one passage, he posed a scenario. This was over two thousand years ago, but the implications couldn’t have been more contemporary and timely for me. I needed to tame that middle finger and the anger that triggered it or face the very real possibility I could be the next road rage casualty.
Here’s Chuang Tzu’s thought experiment. Imagine that you’re on your boat spending an idyllic afternoon on your favorite lake. The weather is calm and perfectly clear. Suddenly you see another boat bearing down on you, headed for a collision. You sound a warning but to no avail. The boat broadsides you. How do you feel? How do you react? What do you say to the pilot of the offending vessel?
Now, imagine being on the lake at exactly the same time of day, in the same location, except that now there is a thick as pea soup fog. You can’t see your own hand in front of your face. Again you are broadsided Are you as angry as you were when the skies were perfectly clear?
One more time. Imagine, same location and thick fog. Again you are broadsided. But this time you discover that there is no one on the other boat. It had become unmoored and was drifting without a pilot. How do you feel about the situation now?
It’s been many years since I drove that truck, but hardly a day goes by when there’s not an opportunity to reflect on this tale. From the most insignificant sleights to the most egregious acts, it’s worth asking if the “offenders” mental weather is clear and calm, or foggy and clouded. We joke about other people not playing with “full decks” but if truth be told, many of our own actions and reactions also arise from being in a state of less than the equivalent of a calm and cloudless day.
Coming from that perspective, Maybe we can become more understanding and forgiving for life’s daily collisions with everyone from complete strangers, to the people we care for and love the most.
“ Hi Honey, I’m home!”
“ How many fingers today?”
Wouldn’t it be nice to hold up two on each hand and flash the peace sign?
Meanwhile, “Onward Through the Fog!”
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