One of the best articles this editor has ever read about how it feels to go through life with Asperger’s Syndrome.
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To paraphrase something I read: I cannot walk around with a sign on my shirt that states, “I have Asperger’s. Please be nice to me.”
But maybe that is not true. Maybe some additional thought is merited.
I am 65 years old and at age 64 was first diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. That revelation, made by two psychologists, was quite unexpected. It did not provoke an immediate set of revelations. No door to the truth of life opened up for me to walk through. Rather the concept has been slowly seeping into my conscious and, I presume, my unconscious mind. My childhood was extremely lonely without any close friends. This fits the concept of Asperger’s. That loneliness has continued throughout my life and remains painful. I don’t like being alone, but am not accepted as a friend by those that I meet.
Most of my personal problems can be, in my opinion, traced to my own behaviors. The worst of those times were when those around me would not forgive me my errors. They took offence at some of my actions. I give them the benefit of any possible doubt and presume that I did behave badly. However, they were not aware, and probably could not have been aware, that I perceived their behaviors through the faulty window of Asperger’s Syndrome. I behaved in what I perceived to be a rational manner. To them, and to most observers, my behavior was not rational and did not fit the required norms. The result was bad times for all of us, and mostly for me.
The question to be considered is: What would it mean for me, or anyone with Asperger’s, to wear a sign advising or warning people of this?
The answer is not simple.
Is it right for me to initiate a conversation with a complete stranger by saying: I have a mental illness and need you to accommodate my deficiencies? I might add: In spite of being aware of this condition, I am not capable of fully compensating for it. So I need you to be a bit extra tolerant of my behaviors.
As I see things, through my distorted perceptions, this is essentially what I need. That is a lot to impose on a new friend. That is a lot to impose upon you. But if I do not ask that, then please consider: How can we possibly become friends? I cannot completely suppress my impulses and irrational behavior. Sometimes what is rational to me is not to you.
Do I have the right to ask people to treat me differently from neuro-typical people? If I were to ask you to do just that, what would you think? Presume you said yes, you will do what you can. Then there is the question: Even with best intent, can you really do that?
That question is not intended in the pejorative sense, but in simple reality. When I misbehave, will you really be able to recognize there is a known and logical cause, and respond appropriately? Will you be able to recognize that I misperceived you and reacted with good intent, but on a misperception? Will you be able to stop the conversation and tell me that I got something wrong? That is a significant burden to put on you.
On the other side, that is a burden I have carried all my life. It is one I cannot put down and cannot avoid. My behavior has improved over the past sixty plus years, but I cannot be cured or fixed. Despite my best efforts, there will be times where I misbehave. The result is that you do not like me and do not like being around me. You can walk off, join others that are neuro-typical, and simply avoid me.
I cannot avoid me. And I really cannot avoid you. You are everyone. When I interact with other Aspies, I am just as likely to misinterpret their behaviors as I am yours.
People in a wheelchair, with crutches, and other support implements are unavoidably carrying signs that advertise their difficulties. Why can I not do just that?
I need your friendship, your tolerance, your patience, and, yes, your indulgence. Is there any way I can get there?
My brother has some Aspergers (along with other elements from the “Spectrum”), and I sometimes wonder whether I have a touch of it myself. It’s easier to accept a documented syndrome than the label of “unfeeling jerk,” I guess. I tend to agree with the frustrated spouses who believe some people hide behind the diagnosis as a “Get out of jail free” card. It took me years to grasp that I was hurting my wife and kids without realizing it, but thankfully that realization didn’t come too late. First, I credit much prayer and the delivering power of Jesus Christ… Read more »
A bit like Becca I’ve lived with someone who is on the spectrum. My estranged spouse. Some of the things that made people not like him so much is that after a period of time he would take people for granted,stop asking basic recriprocal questions (like “how are you?’o r ‘what do you think about that?’) and could really blow a fuse if he found things overwhelming. He could not handle any perceived criticism andhe pperceived criticism simply from people expressing their needs.. He could become violently angry. He would often be very brusque (ordering) with basic requests. He can… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more… my dad’s behavior was incredibly destrucitve to me, my sisters and my mom. No one is obligated to continue a relationship, or even a casual social interaction, with someone who is critical, belittling, controlling and angry. I have more compassion for my dad now because I realize he was not aware of the impact he was having on others. But at the same time, we all have rights to be treated kindly and with respect. When my dad acts like a jerk now, I get up and leave.
Good for you Becca! I’m in the situation now of having to hand over my son to my ex several days a week. I’m not there to protect him any more. It worries me so much! Anyway, just wanted to say the post above is classic Aspergers. Asking for other people to give and indulge without any introspection about how his own behaviour and interactions need to change to encourage people to engage with him more.
Hello Again Becca, After reading more from you this might be in order. My father was also incredibly destructive to me, my siblings, and our mother. I have a daughter and when she was born, and before birth, I committed myself to completely reversing my father and my father / child relationship. From the time she was born, there was almost never a day that I did hot hold her and hug her. I never ever belittled here. There were times that I would say, I am angry with you and do not like your behavior, but understand that I… Read more »
Hi again Bryan, You sound like a good person and I’m sorry if I said anything that made it sound like I think all Aspies are mean or unkind. My dad has times when he can be very caring. When he had meltdowns, though, it was very scary and upsetting. But even there I do have compassion now. He used to yell at me and then I would cry, then he would get even more upset and yell at me to ask me why I was crying. I realize now that it hurt him to realize that he had hurt… Read more »
Hello Again Becca,
Thank you for your thoughts. I don’t know all that much about Asperger’s and Autism, but I am now strongly thinking that it is very much a continuum, a broad spectrum with huge differences between various points on the spectrum. It sounds like your Dad had much greater difficulties that I did and do. I am sorry that you and he had to go through that.
On science: Did you go into a science field? If so, maybe write about your perspective.
Your ex sounds more narcissistic than autistic (to the extent we can tell a difference between autism and narcissism, and that such a difference really exists).
Hi Bryan! I am so glad you shared your story, I have an Apsie friend, same quarks you described he displays. He was diagnosed young and was able to communicate that to us effectively but at first some didn’t take him serious as his facial expressions are non-existent while announcing this. I love my friend dearly, his courage inspires me the same way yours does. We celebrated his 29th Birthday yesterday and it was great. To be around his family, observe his interaction with others and just hangout together was such a treat. To know now, would’ve made me feel… Read more »
for the moderator:
This: As noted, I don’t, now first hand anyway
Should be:
As noted, I don’t know, not first hand anyway.
Silke asked: Can you give us some examples of what you do when you misbehave. This is a major problem and I try to describe it in a roundabout manner: Here are some words and phrases I have learned to say to people: As much as two thirds of communications between people is unspoken. It is in the mannerisms, tonal inflections, prosody, body posture, and other things I don’t even know about. You don’t even think about them. You just kind of know where the conversation is going, what to say, and what not to say. I don’t have a… Read more »
Hi Bryan We all need friends. To survive in this world without a friend is hard very hard. It is my impression that persons with Asperger’s write well. They write better than others. Have you ever considered making friends by starting as a pen pal and then later on if you two understand each other ,you can meet. I do not mean online dating but simply friendships by e-mail. Penpalworld is one site that is fairly safe, dating is forbidden. (How those friendships develops over time is nobodys buiness). And I also think the badge of Asperger’s is a good… Read more »
I had never thought about pen-pal in that light before. Interesting. Thank for reading my article and taking the time to post.
Bryan, my father has Aspergers although he was never diagnosed, a therapist suggested it to me after hearing me describe him. I just wrote a long post that got deleted when the page refreshed. Argh. Basically, what I wanted to say is that my father has a lot of traits that push people away, such as talking incessently about topics that no one else is interested in (for example, he has a lifelong obesession with the Kennedy assasination for some reason) and not noticing that the other person is fidgity and bored. He interrupts and talks over people. He is… Read more »
Hello Becca, I am sorry about your father and the late diagnosis. A co-worker who has a son with Asperger’s described some of the help that his son is getting. I can only imagine how my life might have been different if I had any clue as to why things did not go well. It sounds like your father would have benefited also. As I sit here now I can say that I do not get upset with other people or silly things, but it is really impossible for me to accurately judge how I was some years ago. There… Read more »
Bryan, I was married to someone like you. Constantly said things that are mean and nasty no recollection of ever saying them. 20 years but with this person, who alienated my friends, my neighbors and my family . I did nothing but try to resolve the situation and find out what was wrong with him. No sex, no affection, but plenty of criticism and nastiness. I couldn’t take it anymore and most people can’t. If I’d known he had Aspergers, I would’ve ended the marriage much sooner. As an NT, you have no idea What injury you inflict, and how… Read more »
Hello Freeatlast, As I read your reply I get the feeling that you think I am mean and nasty. You write to me in the first person throughout your comment. Not all Aspies are like that. For whatever reason, when I was young I did understand that I was the problem and not others. I had no clue as to why or how, but I did not blame others. During forty years of marriage my wife and I never engaged in a shouting match, and I never belittled her. For anything. Now that I do have the diagnosis, I have… Read more »
Hi Bryan
Can you give us some examples of what you do when you misbehave.
I have no friends with Asperger’s ,
Can you recommend any Asperger ‘s. Resources. Do you have a website?
Hi Bryan
“Do I have the right to ask people to treat me differently from neuro-typical people? If I were to ask you to do just that, what would you think? Presume you said yes, you will do what you can. ”
Yes you can.
Finally, a decent article on this site.
Well written and acurate. Please write more.
Thanks. The last sentence should have been: Is there any way we can get there?