Why the way you raise your kids matters to your neighbors.
Dear Melissa,
Hey there, it’s me, JD—the guy at the park this morning who took the shovel away from your son Jackson / Caleb / Josh / Whatever. I wanted to touch base about the whole situation because I feel like we left things on bad terms and, even though you’re a complete stranger, I hate unresolved conflict.
I’d like to apologize for taking it upon myself to reprimand your son. I’d like to. But I can’t because I’m not even remotely sorry.
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So, what happened is, Jackson / Caleb / Josh / Whatever was taking big scoops of sand and flinging them everywhere. It wasn’t a huge deal, kids do things like this, but he got a little wild about it and the sand was getting in other kids hair and eyes. In my “Nice Man” voice, I asked him to be careful and maybe just dig with the shovel instead of throwing the sand. Your little guy, apparently, hasn’t embraced the “please don’t do that” thing just yet as he continued to throw sand and eventually whacked another kid in the head with the shovel. I’m not sure where you were at this point, maybe on your Blackberry? I don’t know. Anyway, I took the shovel away from Whatshisname and, using my not quite as friendly voice, let him know that anymore acting out and we’d be going off to find Mommy together. This, of course, is when you made your appearance. From your perspective , I can imagine you were pretty upset finding your son in tears and some strange man talking to him sternly. You certainly seemed to be as you yelled “What are you doing?” to no one in particular and spirited the Little Prince away.
I’d like to apologize for taking it upon myself to reprimand your son. I’d like to. But I can’t because I’m not even remotely sorry. Instead let me say this: Welcome to my village.
Listen, I get that group parenting isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I’m fortunate enough to live on a little suburban street where I know all the other parents and their kids. Early in our block-party-co-parenting relationship we all made a deal: at your house, my kid is your kid. If I am not around and he needs to be talked to, put in time out, sent home—I trust you to do it. I won’t interfere or second guess you. Same is true in reverse at my house. This system works really well: my neighbor Patrick is a terrific Dad and Z knows damn well that if Patrick says “put the hose down” it’s time to put the hose down. I like it—not just because it takes some of the pressure off me to watch Z every second when we’re out and about—but because, for Z, this arrangement means that proper behavior isn’t something specific to me or Karen being in the room.
Maybe you haven’t made this deal or maybe you’ve simply never thought about it. I’m well aware that some people get uptight when other adults help with the parenting. There’s a conventional wisdom that folks have the right to raise their children however they see fit. In fact, I’m sure many people see this as a fundamental right of being a parent. Sorry, but it’s not. Your right to raise a narcissistic little prick ends when my child, or any other human being, has to share the planet with him. Yes, children are going to act out and that in and of itself isn’t at all a sign of a bad parent or a bad kid. But how you react to this behavior—indeed whether you’ re even present to address it all—dictates whether or not it’s going to happen again and again. You owe it to all of us to be present and to teach your child that his actions affect other people.
I am relentless with my kids about saying “please” and “thank you” not because I have an Emily Post fetish but because I want to live in a world where people are more polite to each other as a matter of course. If that’s what I want from the world, then I am obliged to give the world the gift of two kind, decent, polite human beings. That’s what I am trying to do with Z and Pebbles and I hope that’s what you aspire to with yours.
No, that’s okay, don’t thank me for my profound insight, because I’m not doing it for you. When I decided to take the shovel away from His Majesty, I was really doing something important for my own kids. I’m trying to provide my daughter with a world where there’s one less self-absorbed guy out there to break her heart or abuse her; one less unthinking asshole to have a few beers and kill my son on graduation night. As long as you and I are going to raise kids in the same village, I’m going to have to ask you to refrain from being the village idiot when it comes to what kind of child you’re sending out into the world.
If that’s too much to ask, don’t worry, I’m here to help … whether you like it or not.
Your neighbor,
JD
Read more in the Real Fatherhood series.
Image credit: andrewmalone/Flickr
I just found your website, and your recent articles. They are fantastic and I am so relieved to hear you express fully the implications of parenting in a silo! I so appreciate my community in which the values and ethics of the nearest parent is respected and supported. What a wonderful world in which children know that they are being held by all the parents in a community, as well as being held accountable to common expectations for kind and respectful behavior. These are the boundaries within which children feel safe, and (though maybe a little counterintuitive) free.
“Your right to raise a narcissistic little prick ends when my child, or any other human being, has to share the planet with him.”
Harsh but fair! I have two boys – 4 and 6 – and am convinced you did the right thing here. Have my own father coming to stay this week and am dreading it because he has forgotton more about parenting than he will ever know.
I’m really bothered by the generalizing that goes on here. Sure, if the child in the story was genuinely hurting other children, then go ahead and intercede, that’s a real problem and your own child deserves to be protected. But “Welcome to My Village”? Really? What happens when a parent explains that they don’t want their children being exposed to the gay couple holding hands and kissing? What about the parent who has decided that “doo-doo” is an expletive on par with any four-letter word and wants to reprimand every child that uses the term “doo-doo” outloud? (yes – that… Read more »
I think the essence of the story is around physical harm. Throwing sand and hitting are not acceptable–punishable by law when people are get older. The other scenarios you’ve described are just opinions. In a perfect world all parents would recognize they are in a village and could talk through the opinion issues and ask for respect. (Parents talking with each other seems to be the theme here.) Perhaps he should have phrased it as “welcome to OUR village”.
RH, Thanks for your post. Let me be 100% clear about something — I do not, in any way, think this child’s behavior was necessarily indicative of bad parenting NOR do I think there’s any 1-to-1 system whereby you can learn what kind of parent someone is by seeing their child in action for 90 seconds. This, for me, was about the lack of supervision – the fact that I needed to intercede because there was no parent there doing the job. And, after I did, about her reaction to me. I would like to imagine myself a competent, involved… Read more »
Thank you, JD, I appreciate your clarification. I had not realized that the mom was actually nowhere around, I thought that you were just making an assumption because you didn’t see her. Based on that story, I totally hear where you are coming from. I’m a little sensitive when I hear what sounds like criticism of parents, and I have a tendency to jump to their defense since I know how bad it feels to be criticized when I’m trying my best. But in the situation you described, I agree you did the right thing. If it had been my… Read more »
I appreciate your article, JD, and I agree with how you handled the situation, and with many of the comments. However, I am a little concerned with the implication that the other mom was being irresponsible and letting her child grow up to be narcissistic and selfish. While I agree that this MAY be the case, and some parents do need to be better at enforcing rules to raise a well-mannered child, it may be harsh for you to assume that. I am a stay-at-home Mom of two kids. My almost 5-year-old is defiant and explosive. I have tried everything… Read more »
Thanks for the responses and the good discussion. I’m not advocating imposing my parenting style on everyone in the world. You home, your child — your call (within reason, of course). And I accept that at your house, it’s your rules. But in a public environment where one child is harming others (or even acting wildly while unsupervised), getting involved isn’t just ‘okay’ — it’s essential.
Amen to this! “I’m trying to provide my daughter with a world with one less self-absorbed guy out there to break her heart or abuse her….” I wish parents would keep closer tabs on their kids even as they get older (into JHS and HS)….I was walking home from the train station in the late afternoon and passed by the middle school/HS track and 2 boys were skateboarding in the street….I look young so perhaps they thought I was a girl close to their age…one of them said to me: “You make my pants want to get up and dance…!”… Read more »
I’m all for the old-school system of parents letting fellow parents maintain order. In close relationships, other parents can impart wisdom and norms. When it comes to a jackass at the park, though, it seems more about preventing chaos than changing trajectory. His Highness will still have the same genes and permissive parents. If I yell at a kid for knocking one of my daughters out of the way, I’m just controlling that moment.
This is a tricky scenario, but I ABSOLUTELY agree with you JD.
We need to be tactful, respectful, careful…but I think we have definitely have the right, if not the responsibility, to advise others and step in when we feel that the situation calls for it. Nobody is an island.
Sounds like Pebbles ran into Bam Bam 🙂
Totally down with this piece. In a society crippled by divorce (don’t know if that applies here), parents laden with guilt over their failure to provide a stable two-parent home will often ruin their children with misguided coddling and leniency. Children need boundaries.
I was adamant about this raising my kids: if your’e raising a lousy brat, keep your distance, because I’ll be as straightforward as this writer.
I have no problem whatsoever with other parents enforcing group discipline on my children in public areas, in their home/yard, or even in a communal event in my home–for example a birthday party where my attention may be diverted for long stretches. Most of the time I welcome other adults doing so, as it instills a sense of “every adult is an authority” in the kids. I also don’t mind parents trying to supplement discipline in my house if they’re familiar with the house rules. Where I draw the line, though, is when an adult is sitting in my house… Read more »
All that being said, I want to be clear that I agree strongly with your article and think it’s superbly written. “[T]his arrangement means that proper behavior isn’t something specific to [the parents] being in the room”– Amen! I mostly just wanted to point out that there *are* times when group discipline is not the best course of action. I’m also put in this situation quite frequently as a cub scout leader. Having to enforce discipline on children that aren’t your own, in the company of their parents, is a necessary part of the job. However, knowing there are parents… Read more »
Can I ask what the rules you didn’t want imposed were? I think it’s obvious that the basics need to be enforced, with no need to check. I’d say the basics are; not hurting anyone, not hurting yourself, not being nasty, and sharing. Beyond that, I’d check if possible, for example “we better ask mummydaddy if you can have a fizzy drink”.
To be honest, I don’t recall with too much specificity what she did. I do remember she shushed my children a lot, which bothered me because that’s considered rude in our house. Another thing I remember is telling one of my sons how much dinner he had to eat before he could earn dessert, and it was a direct contradiction of house rules. There were some other things that have been lost to my fading memory. I agree that there are some basics that any parent is welcome to enforce, for example no hitting, close the door to use the… Read more »
Great article. Parents can be severely myopic when it comes to their own children. Melissa will probably see the point only after her child is on the receiving end and that might be a little too late for her liking. On the other hand, your firm approach (and follow up) could be a turn off as she already has you in her “bad book.” Perhaps a get-together with some of the other parents in your arrangement and having them speak of the benefits will get the point across a bit easier?