Despite the acrimony that surrounded the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation to U.S. Supreme Court, I am optimistic the #metoo movement is still on track. For me, there are two points of hope. One being the ending of secrecy, brought on by the courageous women and men who came forward to share their stories—exemplified by Dr. Blasey Ford. The other being the conversation about how men can make a difference. I’d like to explore the later.
Once, in a workplace, a colleague of mine, let’s call him Roger, told a story to his workmate—we’ll call him Ralph—and afterwards, Roger happened to ask me how I was. It gave me the opportunity to say I was feeling sick, listening to his story. He apologised, blushing, and said it was just boy’s talk. Later that day, Ralph also came over to apologise, said he was embarrassed to have been part of that conversation and that I had been right to say something.
On a holiday, when I was talking to two American men about Donald Trump’s infamous leaked tape, they dismissed the issue. One said, “Please. I’ve said worse.” The other piped up quickly, “Me too.” Without being in a situation where we could discuss the subject further, I like to think what they meant by “worse” was more vulgar or more graphic. Maybe they thought my concern was over the crudeness of Trump’s turn of phrase, rather than the abuse of power casually boasted, which Trump later tried to normalise, by calling it locker-room talk.
As a woman working in the tech industry, it seems to me that men who employ banter to show off dominance, are under the impression that all men talk that way (when women aren’t around). Maybe I’m wrong but I think there are men who don’t talk that way, and they give these guys a wide berth.
Since I move jobs regularly, I have more than once had a new colleague say in a quiet moment, “To tell you the truth, I prefer it when women are around.” That’s one way to say, welcome to the team! But it points to something else too: When women are around, the locker-room guys tend to behave themselves, and that, I guess, lightens up the atmosphere.
Because men don’t say this to other men, women become the de facto social police. They are the ones who speak out, and the impression of “us” and “them”, divided along a gender line, continues.
There’s a TED talk Violence Against Women – it’s a Men’s Issue, that analyses the language used around assault, showing how a spotlight is put on the victim, not the perpetrator. It shifts the focus to men and encourages them to call each other out on perpetuating a culture where Trump’s style of boy’s talk can be passed off as normal—not an indication of toxic weakness—just masculinity being manly.
I hope lasting change will come from #metoo. It would be great if in the future, when Roger is telling Ralph a story about how he and his mates slagged off a middle-aged stripper, instead of Ralph apologising to me later, perhaps he could let Roger know at the time, that he’s not impressed.
Photo—daren/Flickr