There’s no such thing as a real man. And that’s OK.
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You’ve almost certainly heard feminist rants about impossible cultural ideals of femininity: how standards of femininity are so narrow and rigid they’re literally unattainable; how, to avoid being seen as unfeminine, women are expected to navigate an increasingly narrow window between slut and prude, between capable and docile, between moral enforcer and empathetic helpmeet.
Here’s what you may not know: it works that way for men as well.
A recent article about male fitness models has made me vividly conscious of how the expectations of masculinity aren’t just rigid or narrow. They are impossible. They are, quite literally, unattainable.
And while this unattainability can tie men into knots, I think—in a weird paradox—it can also offer a glimmer of hope.
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The article in question is about the hellish, dangerous, illness-inducing routines that male fitness models regularly go through to forge their bodies into an attractive photograph of the masculine ideal. According to journalist Peta Bee in the Express UK (the article was originally published in the London Sunday Times, but they put it behind a paywall), in order to make their bodies more photogenic and more in keeping with the masculine “fitness” ideal, top male fitness models routinely put themselves through an extreme regimen in the days and weeks before a photo shoot. Not a regimen of intense exercise and rigorously healthy diet, mind you—but a regimen that involves starvation, dehydration, excessive consumption of alcohol and sugar right before a shoot, and more.
This routine is entirely unrelated to any concept of “fitness.” In fact, it leaves the models in a state of serious hypoglycemia: dizzy, exhausted, disoriented, and (ironically) unable to exercise, and indeed barely able to walk. But the routine makes their muscles look big, and tightens their skin to make their muscles “pop” on camera. And even then, the magazines use lighting tricks, posture tricks, flat-out deceptions, even Photoshop, to exaggerate this illusion of masculinity even further.
On any sort of realistic irony meter, the concept of starved, dehydrated, dazed, weakened men being offered as models of fitness completely buries the needle. But this isn’t about reality. The image being sold is clearly not one of “fitness”—i.e., athletic ability and physical health. The image being sold is an exaggerated, idealized, impossible extreme of hyper-masculinity.
And the illusion being sold by the fitness magazines is that this hyper-masculinity is attainable. If you just work out longer and harder; if you’re just more careful about your diet; if you just take the right supplements and drink the right sports beverage … then you, too, can have a body like a fitness model. A cartoon image of fitness is being sold to men as if it were actual fitness. And men are being taught that there’s something wrong with them if they can’t get there.
But this ideal of masculinity isn’t just difficult to achieve. It isn’t just narrow; it isn’t just rigid; it isn’t just out of reach for some or even most men. It is, quite literally, unattainable. Even the fitness models themselves can’t attain it: not without nightmarish physical ordeals, camera tricks and Photoshop. It is a carrot being dangled in front of a donkey—which the donkey will never, ever get to eat.
It goes well beyond the world of fitness modeling. From weight loss products to underwear ads to cosmetic surgery to supposedly helpful books of advice on how to make yourself tolerably appealing to the opposite sex, men are being increasingly bombarded with messages about what Real Men are supposed to look like. It’s not surprising that, among men, reported rates of anorexia nervosa, anorexia athletica, and other forms of disordered eating and body dysmorphia are on the rise.
And we’re not just talking about physical ideals of masculinity. We’re talking about cultural ideals. Sexual ideals. Economic ideals. Emotional ideals.
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Sexuality educator Dr. Charlie Glickman has written a great deal (and teaches workshops) about male gender expectations, and what he calls “the performance of masculinity.” And a two–part series he recently wrote crystallized this idea for me. He was talking about the “box” of masculinity—the ideas we have in American culture about what a “real man” is and does. You know: strong, competitive, dominant, wealthy, good at fixing machinery, lots of sexual partners enjoys sports, big dick that gets hard on demand. You know the drill.
And he pointed out that many of these ideas aren’t just rigid or limiting. They actually conflict with each other. As Glickman put it, “Some of the items in the box are contradictory. You can’t be a mechanic and a CEO. I’ve talked with men who are convinced they’re not Real Men because they aren’t rich and I’ve talked with men who are convinced they aren’t Real Men because they don’t work with their hands.”
In other words: the Act Like a Man Box isn’t just a painful, difficult, miserably limiting place to live. It is, quite literally, an impossible place to live. It doesn’t exist. It isn’t like having your goal be to live in a big mansion in Beverly Hills with dozens of supermodels hanging around the pool. It’s like having your goal be to live on the surface of the sun. It can’t be done.
But here’s the good news.
“Impossible” is, in many ways, a better cultural ideal to have than “really, really difficult.”
Because it’s a whole lot easier to ignore.
The day I realized that the cultural ideal of femininity was, quite literally, unattainable? The day I realized that women are supposed to be sexy and chaste, undemanding and seeking commitment, meek delicate flowers and strong backbones of the family? The day I realized that if you’re tall you’re supposed to look shorter, and if you’re short you’re supposed to look taller, and if you’re fat you’re supposed to look thinner, and if you’re thin you’re supposed to look more voluptuous, and that whatever body type you had you were supposed to make it look different? The day I realized that every woman is insecure about her looks … including the ones we’re supposed to idolize? The day I realized that, no matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked, I would always, always, always be a failure as a woman?
That was the day I quit worrying about it.
If the world is telling you that if you work just a little harder, you can be strong enough, pretty enough, rich enough, whatever enough … you’ll be a lot more tempted to keep running that treadmill, keep chasing the carrot that’s dangling in front of you. But if the world is telling you that if you work just a little bit harder, you can turn yourself into a unicorn and start shitting diamonds? The whole thing just becomes laughable. And it becomes a lot easier to step off the treadmill. Obviously cultural expectations still affect you—I’m not claiming to be free of them, I don’t think anyone is—but it’s a lot easier to see them for what they are, and shrug them off, and get on with your life.
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So guys? Listen up.
The world is telling you to turn yourself into a unicorn and start shitting diamonds.
The world is giving you an impossible task. It’s not just a stupid task; it’s not just a pointless task; it’s not just a needlessly confining task; it’s not just a task that will make you miserable. It is, quite literally, unattainable. You will never, ever be man enough.
So stop giving a damn. And be whoever you are.
Be a whiskey-drinking electronic music nerd who mixes a perfect Manhattan. Be a dialog editor who bakes banana bread and does stand-up comedy. Be a tattooed poet and kettlebell competitor. Be a retired soldier who does English folk dancing. Be a software engineer with waist-length hair and a thing for Michelin-star restaurants. Be a French-speaking rare book collector who calls into sports radio talk shows. Be a porn writer and atheist activist with 18 cats. Be a muscle-bound gym rat who sings opera and cries in public.
Be who you are. That’s actually an attainable goal. And it’s a hell of a lot more fun.
This post originally appeared on AlterNet.
Read more of Greta Christina at her blog.
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What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
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Good show Greta, insightful and encouraging thanks
“Be a muscle-bound gym rat who sings opera and cries in public ”
Hey…that’s me 🙂 🙂 🙂
Website Trackback Link…
[…]the time to read or visit the content or sites we have linked to below the[…]…
It’s written by a female!
Anyhow… very good point! I’ll have to soak this up entirely – tricky matter really.
Well done on this excellent article!
Yes, bisexual men do exist, even genuinely bisexual men who are attracted to both men and women in nearly equal measure. But not as many bisexual men exist as gay men who claim to be bisexual.
Deeply, deeply ironic here — no doubt some of those men are taking steroids, which have a habit of shrinking the testicles. Shrinking testicles in the pursuit of masculine perfection? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.
In addition to the stereotype portrayed in this article, the media also portrays men as buffoons. We have all seen the guy on commercials and sitcoms who is sitting in an easy chair, scratching, wearing a ballcap, eating Cheetos and watching TV.
I agree with the takehome message of this article. Be yourself. More importantly, trust yourself to do the right thing.
I think this article misses some key facts. The standards imposed on men at least as far as fitness and obesity do not present ‘real life’ consequences in the same way they do for women. In the working world, overweight men make much, much more money than overweight, even sometimes more than svelte men. Also, if you looked at diet ads, weight loss products, and other things, you would think that the majority of overweight people in the country were women. I would venture if you asked the regular person on the street they would also say women. But in… Read more »
Rather than bicker about who has it worse, can’t we just agree that unrealistic portrayals are bad all around? I think that there are a lot of men and women that would be willing to give the finger to the concept of idealized perfection if it weren’t for one thing: the feeling that everyone expects it from you. They’re afraid of the social consequences that would come with rejecting such a commonly held ideal. There are a lot of women I know that would toss their make up and push up bras in the trash if they didn’t think that… Read more »
When I see men who give a shat about eradicating unreasonable standards for women… that’ll be the day. I can think of only one… and he writes for this blog and when he writes about such things… is RAILED against by a legion of huffy men stating, why should we interfere with their ‘god given right to decide who is prettiest on a scale of 1 to 10.’ Sorry, but this whole article is a deserving of a huge eye roll. The article was even written by a sympathizing woman… Men don’t even write about this because it really *doesn’t*… Read more »
Go back to your man-hating website, Sara. Buh-Bye.
Hi Sara. Your posting assumes; 1) Women suffer more than men. What measurement are you using to support your claim? I can only think of one measurement that could even come close to supporting this theory and it is hardly conclusive in and of itself; suicide rates. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention men die by suicide 3.5 x more often than women. Pain is pain whether it is experienced by a women or man. It should be something that brings us together not something men and women fight over to argue who has suffered more. 2) Men… Read more »
Great article – definitely something I have struggled with as a man myself. At the end of the day, I’ve learned that being true to who you are is the only thing that can make you happy. I tried to chase this muscular ideal for quite some time, but eventually realized that the reason I was chasing this ideal was because I was unfulfilled internally. As I become more and more comfortable with who I am and esteem myself for this genuine person, these societal ideals of masculinity lose their appeal. In fact, they seem quite cheap, empty, and sad.
I agree with this article in theory – there should not be pressure put on either gender to conform to specific (often unattainable) ideals. However, I disagree heartily with the conclusion – that you should thus ignore all the ideals and simply be whatever it is that you are. With a country that is (on average) overweight and even obese, telling men to ignore any sort of fitness ideals and get off the treadmills seems counterproductice. I am not, by any means, advocating attempting to be a dehydrated, hypoglycemic Adonis who can’t stand up – but while you are enjoying… Read more »
Agree, except I think we should add that fitness and health should be pleasurable, and not a mad rush to get a hot body.
It is possible to be masculine, however. Avoid media is a good policy.
While I agree that in recent years men are becoming more subject to the cultural pressure that women have been under for generations, I do not agree that it affects them on the whole nearly as much as it affects women. Personally, I know maybe 1 man who laments not being able to achieve a perfect gym body, yet every single woman I know struggles with her self-image with regard to her body. You draw comparisons between the FITNESS magazines for men that tell them that the perfect bodies are attainable, yet EVERY magazine geared toward women pushes that in… Read more »
“draw comparisons between the FITNESS magazines for men that tell them that the perfect bodies are attainable, yet EVERY magazine geared toward women pushes that in our faces.” – First off, Daria, which magazines geared toward men do you believe have male models with the average joe body? Guns n’ Ammo? Get real. GQ, Details, Men’s Health, they all have models from the same stock. Is the pressure of body image the same for men and women? No, not yet. But the “yet” is exactly the point. It should be stopped before it is. Your attitude is apparently that of… Read more »
Luckey, I never said that men are not subject to social pressure. Of course they are, and male models, like female models, are the embodiment of socially constructed (and mostly unattainable) ideals as well. And yes, if you look at Men’s Health, as the title would suggest, you’re going to get an abundance of material on how to train your physique toward that social ideal. Obviously. If you don’t like it because it makes you feel badly about yourself, don’t read that magazine. I just think women don’t have that luxury of simply avoiding material that makes us feel badly… Read more »
Wrong, Daria. The article didn’t “equate” men and women’s body image pressures, nor did I. Reading is FUNdamental, try it! For example, it clearly stated that eating disorders for men are on the rise, NOT equal to the percentage of disorders in women. The examples of rotund male celebrities are becoming more the exception than the rule. But as you stated, “the social pressures facing women and men are not the same”, therefore the concerns of men about those pressures are not valid. Maybe you’re not selfish, just sexist against men. Which begs the questions why you bother reading a… Read more »
Luckey, you have a point, but Daria definitely does too. Maybe understanding is what we need here. Not disagreement. You guys are all attacking Daria for expressing her opinion and feelings. If you want to discount her opinions and feelings because you happen to think they are stupid, go ahead. But realize that attitudes like yours are part of the problem.
Now should I prepare for the attack?
Daria, i would like to respectfully disagree with you… how ever you;re comment offended me too much to do that so here you go. I’m in the 40 somethign group of men, who went from ” you need to be John wayne, to John travolta, to Magnum pi, to alan alda” in less than the span of a decade. who have been told that we can’t be considered intelligent much less competent since the 90’s, who get cried to about not being able to find a “Nice Guy” by the girl we love just to watch her ignore the nice… Read more »
Matthew, I can appreciate and understand your stance. As society evolves and roles change, it can cause anxiety and confusion about what roles men and women are “supposed” to play, and how we fit in and measure up to those standards. I can appreciate what you’re saying, for sure. As I stated above, in response to Luckey’s criticism of my comment, what I was trying to convey was more that I believe, overall, that especially with regard to pressure to fit into a certain physical mold that society has created, women, much more so than men, are subject to the… Read more »
Feminist tries to play the oppression Olympics.
What about teh wimmins!
I absolutely agree and think it’s silly to argue with the obvious fact that women have significantly greater body image pressure put on them. It’s also worth noting that (based on my purely anecdotal, life experience evidence) the most likely reason you assume that most of your male friends don’t beat themselves up pretty badly for not being closer to the current physical ideal is because: A) It’s completely socially unacceptable for men to discuss any non-anger or lust fueled emotional state they’re in (with a few exceptions like temporary exuberance or disappointment relating to competition in topics like work,… Read more »
“socially/emotionally/sexually not rewarded or even punished” I’d like to emphasize that this is done seemingly by every gender/orientation/identity.
good point ……….how about the suicide and addiction rates and longevity figures? thanks, B