There’s one excuse we’ve all heard and seen a million times in life. Either in movies, our friends’ relationships, or in our own lives. An attempt to evade blame that goes:
I never meant to hurt you.
Sometimes it’s from a woman, sometimes, from a guy. (Let’s face it: it’s usually from a guy.) Often it’s from someone who cheated on us, lied to us, or betrayed our trust in some way. But the problem is this: it’s not enough to have just not intended to cause someone pain.
You’re still responsible if you just unintentionally caused someone some pain.
Because you should have thought about all the ways your actions could have hurt someone.
But you/ they/ he/ she didn’t.
A brief example:
I saw a husband and wife both crossing the street recently as the woman pushed the stroller with their toddler. But as they approached the curb, she/ the mom failed to anticipate the bump in the sidewalk’s edge by lifting the stroller’s front wheels up (as most parents know to do). The edge of course abruptly stopped the stroller cold and their toddler flew out of the stroller, head first onto the street. And began screaming in pain instantly from the impact.
The husband quickly scooped up the child to comfort it and lost his cool with his wife instantly. “Are you a goddamn idiot? Did you not see the curb? You could have snapped her neck!”
She replied that line we’ve all heard too many times, “I didn’t mean to do it! Gimme a break.”
But of course the husband would not give her a break, it was her responsibility as a protector to anticipate such things and keep them from harming her child. She was asleep at the wheel and could have seriously injured her child, or at least traumatized it for the next hour. Sure, it happens, but when it does, we have to take responsibility and accept the blame.
She refused to do either, so they argued for another block or perhaps 20, I don’t know, they were soon out of yelling distance, thankfully.
Her answer implied intent is what should determine our culpability in life. But the truth is we’re responsible for the consequences of our actions, whether we had innocent intentions or not.
The same happens between couples all the time, at all stages of the relationship.
One person hurts the other–by lying to them, cheating on them, failing to be there for them in some way, or just by not noticing when they were hurting and needed extra sympathy or support.
And when called out on it, they want a pardon, simply because they didn’t want to cause pain.
As a toddler, this excuse worked. Because you don’t ever think of anyone but yourself.
So you slept on your girlfriend/ boyfriend/ wife/ husband and didn’t mean to hurt them? Guess what? Doesn’t matter. It’s an incredibly obvious point to all of us but you that that would be a pretty quick consequence of said activity.
So you went out drinking. And you decided to drive home. But you ran a light and crashed into someone. Of course, you didn’t mean to cause them harm. Guess what? Still doesn’t matter. You are still responsible for the fact that failed to anticipate the ways in which your actions COULD hurt someone.
Being an adult means taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions even if you had the most innocent of intentions.
The same holds true if you say something offensive, condescending, hurtful or insulting. You might not have meant to be sexist, but if you scoff at someone’s driving and say dismissively, “Female driver, what do you expect?” well, sorry, you are being sexist. We all know you shouldn’t be sexist, so no one intends to incur that moniker. The problem with sexist behavior is that it’s usually done ignorantly. The same thing as insensitive behavior. No one means to be insensitive, they just are. They don’t think their behavior is insensitive. It just is. The fact that they can’t see it is exactly why they’re an insensitive person.
If they sit there demanding exemption from being called insensitive then they’re also probably entitled, too.
So if you’re with someone who uses this antiquated, self-protecting line on you, call it out for the BS that it is. Tell them their inability to distinguish intent from consequence prohibits them from status as an adult, and they’ve thereby forfeited their right to be in your life. This kind of person has no chance of ever being the moral adult you need them to be.
Simply tell them, “Well, I didn’t mean to bring such a thoughtless person as you into my life. But I’m going to correct for that mistake now.” And bid them goodbye.
If you take responsibility for your own actions, you deserve a partner in life who does the same.
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Hello, I was racially abused at work and the offenders got away with it in an internal investigation using exactly this ridiculous excuse ‘I did not mean it’.