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I bet you found that mean phrase on t-shirts and in books everywhere.
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When you type the words, “boys are stupid, throw rocks at them,” into the search bar on Amazon, you will find a range of clothing and books featuring the phrase available for purchase. Why would we wear clothing that calls boys stupid, or read books that encourages throwing rocks at them?
If clothes or books aren’t your thing, you can turn on any comedy and find similar messages. For example, The Simpsons, a long running favorite, features Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Both of the male characters, Homer and Bart make us laugh at their stupidity. The female characters, in contrast, are exceptionally bright. The Office, another favorite, features a clueless male main character who can’t do anything right.
Plenty of popular memes belittle men online as well. I recently saw: “Man Flu: An illness that causes the male of a species to be helpless and sicker than any other family member. In females: a cold.” Any suggestion that a man feels anything other than strong and powerful provokes merciless responses.
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Ridiculing men seems to be one of America’s favorite comedic pastimes. Why is this? To answer that question, I turned to a man named Robert McKee. McKee’s book “Story,” is recommended by all great modern day storytellers and his workshops are legendary. William Goldman, Academy Award winning screenwriter said, “No matter what continent you live on, if you look outside and see a group of writers or movie nuts gathering, probably Robert McKee is in town.”
In McKee’s book, he explains an important rule of comedy. He says, “In Comedy, the audience must feel that no matter how characters bounce off walls, no matter how they scream and writhe under the whips of life, it doesn’t really hurt.” As the audience, we would feel guilty watching characters get hurt and laughing about it, but if we believe they aren’t really hurt, then we can laugh guilt free. Classic cartoons like Tom and Jerry or Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner are perfect examples. Tom and Wile E. Coyote are continually smashed, burned and injured, but they always bounce back good as new; so we laugh without feeling bad.
This theory probably explains why we think it’s okay to make fun of men and boys. No matter how we ridicule and belittle them, we believe at the end of the day they’re going to bounce back and be just fine
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This theory likely explains why we think it’s okay to make fun of men and boys. No matter how we ridicule and belittle them, we believe at the end of the day they’re going to bounce back and be just fine. There is some evidence to support that belief. Men do have higher average salaries around the world (World Bank). They have more leisure time and spend less time doing unpaid work (OECF). They are also less likely to experience gender based violence (ABA).
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Culturally, men are taught from young ages not to cry, not to feel, and not to talk about their pain; but that does not mean they have no pain.
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But those statistics don’t tell the whole story. Culturally, men are taught from young ages not to cry, not to feel, and not to talk about their pain; but that does not mean they have no pain. In an article called, “A Self Portrait of Male Depression” by Christopher Scott Downing, he writes, “A depressed man will master faking it when he can’t master anything else.” When men become masters of faking how they feel, they limit their options for coping with pain. The lucky ones find friends, family, or a social network where they can be real and find support; but most are not so lucky. A study done by the University of Arizona and Duke University asked men how many close friends they had. The most common response was zero (Social Isolation).
Without social support, it’s more likely that men will turn to substances or activities that disguise or numb their feelings. Alcohol, drugs, violence, and even suicide are common ways men cope when they’re in pain. The Center for Disease Control says almost 1 in 5 men will meet the criteria for alcohol dependence at some point in their life (CDC). A National Survey on Drug Use found that 1 in 10 men reported using illegal drugs in the last month (Survey). Men make up 75-80% of violent offenders in the United States (DOJ), and commit 83% of spousal murders (ABA). The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention says 77.9% of all suicides in 2013 were male (AFSP).
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One the surface they may fake it well, but evidence shows deep down men are hurting, a lot. Yet instead of building them up, we keep throwing rocks at them. While this may make for entertaining television, it does not make for emotionally healthy men.
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Despite what we might see in the movies, men aren’t like Tom and Wile E. Coyote. They don’t always bounce back “good as new” tomorrow. One the surface they may fake it well, but evidence shows deep down men are hurting, a lot. Yet instead of building them up, we keep throwing rocks at them. While this may make for entertaining television, it does not make for emotionally healthy men.
I often get criticized when I suggest we treat men with dignity and respect, so let me try saying it this way: many of the problems women experience actually have their roots in the problems men experience. We can’t make life better for women without also making it better for men.
We should all increase our efforts to teach the boys and men we care about that those things traditionally considered feminine, like emotions, warmth and connection are not weaknesses, but rather strengths. A perspective change like this would not only increase respect for women, but would also make it more socially acceptable for men to reach out for emotional and social support when they need it—which would make relying on emotion numbing activities and substances less necessary.
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To make this change, we need storytellers, screenwriters and producers to create more stories with characters our young boys can emulate. Instead of bumbling idiots, or violent superheroes, will everyone attending McKee’s story seminars consider creating more depth for our boys? How about wise fathers who feel, connect and maintain committed relationships with their families? Instead of throwing rocks at them, how about skipping rocks with them? And how about more comedies that inspire rather than belittle?
Parents can participate too by pointing out the damaging stereotypes depicted in our entertainment and teaching our sons that they can consciously reject those messages. And rather than teaching our boys their feelings are weak with phrases like “man up” and “be a man,” we can validate and comfort them with phrases like, “that must have really hurt” and “I’ve felt that way before too.” Making it safe for boys (and men) to feel and find support will benefit everyone; and I, for one, am going to start today.
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Photo: lorenkerns / flickr / creative commons license
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I took the TV out to the field and pumped it full of 12 gauge buckshot. Best move for media have have ever done. As far as ‘Boys are stupid, through rocks at them’ – you know you would never be able to do anything similar in imagery to the girls. Hell, you would probably put in jail for a hate crime if you made such a T-shirt. My solution – I am done. Let society burn. I am not having kids – ever. And I am letting all my cousins and nephews well know the trap and danger of… Read more »
“We can’t make life better for women without also making it better for men.”
Wow, I can’t believe you just said that in public. That’s not a very popular truth. Thank you so much!
My pleasure, Colby. Thanks for your comment.
As my mother used to say, “Consider the source, dear.” I do, so I don’t give a rip.
I find it interesting and somewhat telling that an article “standing up” for men is written by a woman. As men, we should recognize that if we are upset about the way we are portrayed, then we need to do something about it rather than passively sitting around feeling victimized by women or worse, getting angry at women. It’s not their fault if we aren’t speaking up for ourselves. If we treat women with respect and in turn point out when we are feeling disrepected by them, the gender gap is going to narrow.
The Huggies protest was started by a man. Corporate America listened because women supported it. If women did not support it, would it have changed? If women didn’t like dadvertising, would it even be a thing? I find it strange that we can demonize the consumers of porn for objectifying women, but not the producers of porn, namely the women who agree to be objectified then get defensive when the tables turn and we talk about advertising.
Women supported it. That is the point. That is great thing that shouldn’t be taken lightly. What sex was most of the supporters in general, do you know? The producers of porn usually aren’t the women who “agree to be objectified”, nor the dudes who agree to serve as a penis that is there to be the only thing to be pleasured and with a desire of it’s own, though, John honey. And there’s no way to turn the tables, haha. Those ads are usually made by men, not women. Those ads aren’t as common as porn. They do not… Read more »
If you actually showed empathy, honesty and logic perhaps you would get some in return. Expecting things from others almost always leads to disappointment. Let go of expectations and perhaps you will be happier.
Bob, perhaps you haven’t noticed but any time a man tries to stand up for himself / all men against anything women do, the response is usually mockery at best, typically “oh boo hoo, I bathe in male tears! Check your privilege!” Trying being a man with mental health issues. Try bringing it up in front of a woman who is not your partner, a blood relative or a friend, and the response you get will usually be a look of disgust accompanied with words along the lines of “yes, but we women have it much harder! It’s easier for… Read more »
Maybe I’m being unclear. I get tired of where are the men type arguments. By that I mean that people look for where the men are and place the blame there. So in porn men are the consumers so we blame the consumers. If you didn’t want this, they wouldn’t produce it. When it comes to advertising, women are the members of the focus groups driving advertisers so people want to blame the producers because the producers are mostly men. In situations where there are no men or very few such as anti rape or anti DV campaigns there can… Read more »
Video games oh the damsel in distress trope is pure misogyny, but pretending women don’t commit DV or rape, perfectly OK. Why is it a problem to challenge women to examine their own actions and contributions to unfair portrayals of men. Trying to satisfy those people when it comes to video games is folly. Old Lara Croft was complained about because she had a unrealistically tiny waist and huge rack and was always scantily clad. New Lara Croft has her waist expanded a bit and her bust severely diminished and dresses for the situation. And people STILL found something to… Read more »
Women set the tone for how they want to be treated. Men should do the same about themselves.
Not women’s problem men won’t say a word because they really just don’t care, as a group, when males are portrayed as rape victims or as super muscular dudes, etc. It has to start with men, women can’t just go and fight the fight for men when they don’t even think that is needed. If it’s not needed, than there’s really nothing to be said.
It has to start with men, women can’t just go and fight the fight for men when they don’t even think that is needed. And women can’t expect men to go and fight the fight for the sake of women first. And that’s what is usually comes down to. Most efforts to call men to action start and end with “it has to be done for women”. Women set the tone for how they want to be treated. Men should do the same about themselves. Is that what you also tell women that complain in one breath that there aren’t… Read more »
But women didn’t want the ad, so…? Women fought hard and created their support groups. They like to focus on gendered violence, as that is what they know best – their own suffering. DV and rape violence against women is most of the times perpetrated by men, that’s all. And the DV women suffer from men is usually of the most brutal and lethal type, many times with great signs of misogyny/male supremacy. Men can still go and create their own groups, with their own language. They own most of the money anyway, that won’t be that hard. But nah,… Read more »
That’s just plain dishonest. When men do try to create groups who is usually at the head of opposing them?
Women and feminists. So if you want to tell men to go create their own groups then please go tell women and feminists to stop being so regressive and fighting so hard to prevent them from being created.
Simply put all you’re doing in these comments is trying to put the blame on men for everything that is wrong and completely ignoring men that are trying to build up solutions. You’re not being constructive you’re just here to attack men.
We have been working for over a decade to find practical and effective solutions to help men and women move past the flawed adversarial system of “us vs. them” which perpetuates the gender gap. The solutions in our new book “Beyond the Divide – Men and Women Learning from Each Other” go beyond tolerance to create understanding and appreciation for the opposite sex. In our second chapter we address limiting gender biases and stereotypes which are often reinforced by media that inhibit both men and women from sharing the best of themselves. You can get a copy here: http://www.challengethenorms.com/shop Mike… Read more »
Demeaning, sexualisation and objectification of either man or woman is not necessary. It serves no purpose except stir anti-gender sentiments. Human intelligence never ceases to amaze me. We learn and advance in areas like technology, science etc yet basic human society recognition of each other seems to get worse. The sooner society acknowledges that gender equality will only be achieved by sensible recognition of both genders and all issues, thereby creating in effect a gender neutral society (note the difference between sex and gender) progress will not be made to the goal that generally both genders speak for – gender… Read more »
Who are the screen writers, ad execs and television investors, network program directors, producers, newspaper and magazine cartoonists, etc.? Nine times out of ten if not more….they are men. So, if men are angry about how they are being portrayed, they need to organize themselves against their bros….hold those men accountable. Women are fighting their own fight against these same foes, men, who for years have leveled bombs such as “the dumb blonde”, “the angry black (or white) woman”, the female boss bi*ch, the woman victim in need of rescue by the knight in shining armor, etc etc etc ad… Read more »
Agreed
Annnnd here we go! Our first “Shut up! Women have it worse!” comment combined with “It’s all da Menz fault”. And so the conversation will devolve!
Women having it worse doesn’t mean some men (and women) don’t see how men are also sometimes treated badly. In fact, many do! There are even a few men (usually GBT ones) who can clearly see how women are also mistreated (I know, what a shock!) – and have no problem admitting to how worse it is. That doesn’t mean in any way that men’s issues are to be dismissed. She didn’t even say women have it worse! But that’s awesome that you acknowledge it as well, even if subconsciously and with no real intention of doing it so publicly.… Read more »
@ Her Somewhat true, somewhat not. There are some female pornographers. Does it make it OK if women were making money off it instead of men? Will we demand a mostly female military if Hillary gets elected because women should bear the brunt of another woman’s decision? Many of those ad execs, directors, etc. have wives and daughters who benefit from the money they bring in. Women who go out and spend the money based on the ads their husbands create because their wives connected to the ad. Men and women are intertwined. Like I said dadvertising increased in popularity… Read more »
No, all women are not the enemy, but women like you are with attitudes like this.
I’m sorry, was there a THIS IS ONLY DIRECTED TO WOMEN disclaimer on this article that I missed? No? Then why did you assume that the author was only talking to women?
Yeah, I just re-read the article to make sure. It seems that nowhere in the article can I find a specific gendered reference to treating men better. Ms. Walker seems to be calling out SOCIETY in general (you know MEN & WOMEN) to treat men better! it’s a shame when well written articles like this one are trolled into some sort of gender battle!
Attitudes like hers are basically… “Men need to help women” and “men need to help themselves, it’s not women’s fault so women shouldn’t have to help men”. It’s female entitlement, pure n simple.
There are no enemies. The species is one organism. Men are not represented among men in power, because men do not understand themselves (and because democracy doesn’t exist – no one is represented). They don’t realize they’re being portrayed this way.
I am male, and I have not participated in what you describe all males are participating. This means you have just stereotyped on the basis of sex and gender. Congratulations, you are a hypocrite.
Who are the screen writers, ad execs and television investors, network program directors, producers, newspaper and magazine cartoonists, etc.? Nine times out of ten if not more….they are men. So, if men are angry about how they are being portrayed, they need to organize themselves against their bros….hold those men accountable. Women are fighting their own fight against these same foes, men, who for years have leveled bombs such as “the dumb blonde”, “the angry black (or white) woman”, the female boss bi*ch, the woman victim in need of rescue by the knight in shining armor, etc etc etc ad… Read more »
“If that’s the case then why is it that when it comes to porn women go after the men that watch porn rather than the directors, producers, and actors?” There are plenty of women (and men) who go after the directors and producers. People who buy the product are the ones who enable it, though. But the porn industry and their disgusting way of portraying women’s (subordinate and powerless) sexuality goes way deeper than ads. So let’s not even start tracing similarities. Most of the times, men are also the biggest consumers of products where men are portrayed the worse.… Read more »
There are plenty of women (and men) who go after the directors and producers. People who buy the product are the ones who enable it, though. But the porn industry and their disgusting way of portraying women’s (subordinate and powerless) sexuality goes way deeper than ads. So let’s not even start tracing similarities. Please. There is much more attention heaped on the people who watch porn that the people who make it. Even here at GMP if you look up the posts about porn its most likely talking to or about those who watch it. You have the same issue… Read more »
It needs to stop, because until it does, mockery of women stands not even the most remote chance of stopping. You can pay all the lip service you want, and preach your double standards all day, but until men start seeing some real equality, neither will women.
Indeed, the needs of the genders are definitely interwoven and we can’t completely help one without helping the other. We can only truly move forward together.
Men themselves are the ones who mock both men and women the most, so women have to suffer attacks from men only because men won’t stop attacking other men as well… how awesome. That in itself is really “equalitarian”, indeed.
Real equality, as if straight cis-men wanted it. They are most of the ones perpetuating it. Most people who are vocal against it are women and non-straight guys.
I appreciate the sentiments. I’m not even taking issue with the things I normally would, but there are distinctions which need to be made. It’s much worse when it happens in advertizing. Portraying men as clueless, irresponsible idiots is being used to market things to women. They do this because they believe it works. They change when women make it known that it doesn’t work like with the Huggies thing. The campaign went from put it to the ultimate test, dad to let dad put it to the test. Dad went from being an idiot babysitter to being a fully… Read more »
I agree entertainment doesn’t need to be 100% PC. In fact, sometimes the best way to draw light to something is to NOT be PC. In this case, I’m speaking to what we can learn from common themes and patterns. If there was a balanced treatment of the genders in entertainment, I wouldn’t have an article to write. But there’s not; and perhaps we should ask ourselves why.
Nope. I’m not buying this. Every single time I express my feelings to a man I get hit with, “Get Over It” (verbatim) OR if they are smooth – some other version of the same. If I am expected to keep a stiff upper lip and move on at the snap of his (or her) fingers – so shall they be.
Wow, I can see why you would feel that way if that’s the way you’ve always been treated. It’s not fair, nor is it right, to tell someone they have no right to feel what they feel.
Incidentally, this is the same “man” who thought it was funny to suggest to an 6yr old child: “Girls are bad. Throw rocks at them.” I am serious. Google that! The 6yr old shook his head and told him that he was not going to do that because it would be wrong. If I wanted to throw rocks at him, I would publish his name here.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this.
My pleasure. Thanks for commenting.
No, Wes, don’t succumb! GYOW! She is a female and probably has a vagina. You should just go your own way and not speak to any of those deprived beings! Have focus! You can do it! Nothing that comes from them is good! Remember the MGTOW enlightening words!
“No, Wes, don’t succumb! GYOW! She is a female and probably has a vagina. You should just go your own way and not speak to any of those deprived beings! Have focus! You can do it! Nothing that comes from them is good! Remember the MGTOW enlightening words!” Lolabunny, your attempts at sarcasm are neither enlightening nor beneficial- you’re not using it effectively to illustrate a point (any point), or to make an argument or an observation: You’re just using the space to be petulant and, I suppose, combative- more’s the pity. The sad truth is that that just makes… Read more »
I’m not convinced they are sarcasm.
Lolabunny’s comments in this thread are spiteful, hypocritical, and just plain mean.
MGTOW is not about avoiding women, but a system that we have been programmed to believe all of our lives. What you call “patriarchy” has also been killing men for generations. If 5,000 men get killed in a war no one cares, but if an equal number of women came back dead, maimed or with PTSD, would you have more compassion for them? The only people who come out on top of this system are the politicians and CEOs who treat them as expendable assets. MGTOWs, like Libertarians don’t want power or control over anyone male or female except themselves.… Read more »