I was reading about the case of the “Stanford Swimmer” and the article was dancing around the issue so much, you’d think the kids only crime was swimming for Stanford. Most outlets were afraid to show his mug shot or call him what he is:
a Convicted Rapist.
As survivors of rape who come forward, (90% do not and its still the most underreported violent crime) soon realize, the first rape is only the beginning. Society piles on. We ALL pile on. We trigger and cajole, we try to understand and relate in our own ham-fisted ways, we fall all over ourselves armed with political agendas, and we try too hard to talk while nobody listens to the victims.
We can’t even get to an agreement about the language. Until we can agree on language we can’t get much further.
So let’s talk about the language. For the record, there is no such thing as “non-consensual sex.” People have consensual sex or someone is raped. Period. Full stop.
Rape happens all day, every day.
Rape Culture is a term that was coined by feminists in the United States in the 1970’s. It was designed to show the ways in which society blamed victims of sexual assault and normalized male sexual violence. A complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women. It’s about what we collectively think about and how we react to sexual assault, and violence in general.
Rape is ignored, trivialized, normalized, or made into jokes. Rape Culture is promoted by Grammy award winning hit songs. Rape Culture is promoted on billboards as violence against women to advertise a silly superhero movie. And the only chance any of it gets better is if we as parents & caregivers first LISTEN and learn about Rape Culture, privilege, power and societal oppression, speak up and speak out as we can, and in ways most germane to our future, walk the talk for the kids in our charge.
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Here are examples of Rape Culture and what us parents are up against:
Platinum selling songs about “Blurred lines” that people love and children dance to at everything from birthday parties to Bar Mitzvahs, everyone hears the lyrics but no one chooses to listen.
Insultingly light sentences for the privileged–like convicted rapist Brock Turner’s pathetic six month slap on the wrist by a sympathetic judge who “Doesn’t want to ruin the boys life.” What about his victim, whose life he ruined? And the parents who made excuses for “twenty minutes of action.” He was caught raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster while taking pictures and sending them to his buddies.
Model Citizen.
Victims on trial for their own abuse. It’s being charged the cost of processing your own rape kit, if police even consider or bother preserving any physical evidence.
Making the victims wardrobe, intoxication level, behavior, sexual history, or education level the issue instead of the perpetrators action.
It’s being a Black Woman or Trans or Poor White or Gay or a Sex Worker or Prisoner in a Correctional Facility in the States care.
It’s not being CIS Male & Straight, in a CIS White Supremacist society.
It’s fraternities that create hashtags like #doingitforstate and their apologist sorority sisters that say “she had it coming”.
It’s the media that can both sensationalize rape and ignore rape simultaneously.
It’s perpetuating the lie that “boys don’t cry.”
It’s victims, keeping their abuse to themselves and carrying on the best they can because they see the first rape is only the beginning, because WE, our society are standing by ready to abuse them again if they dare come forward.
Rape Culture diminishes us all, and we all buy into it to this culture to some degree when we refuse to tackle any “isms” that are the breeding grounds for the power discrepancy that is the heart of the mater.
Rape is what those with power do to those without. I’ve little use for talk about rape that isn’t intersectional.
That’s why the biggest victims of rape are—heartbreakingly—children, Trans and Non-Gender conforming specifically. They lack the power others have.
Nothing will change until are ready to first acknowledge these power discrepancies exist. And then proceed to tackle the power vacuums in all aspects of society in affirmative ways.
It must start from the cradle and continue throughout ones life. It is a journey of raising ones own personal awareness and it is generational. It took a long time to get here and it won’t be solved overnight.
The exploitation of power, Rich/Poor White/Minority, Male/Female Adult/Child is corruptive, breeds injustice, and is counterproductive in addressing the needs of educating our youth on BOTH sides of the equation.
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Here’s an example, as a CIS Straight Male, I acknowledge my CIS Straight Male Privileges.
Among them:
As a child, I was able to find plenty of non-limiting, gender role stereotyped media to view.
I can get up at a bar with little concern of watching my drink.
When I was dating, I had little concern about going home with women I didn’t know well or walking home alone or waiting on a deserted subway platform late at night.
When I’m praised now for caring for my children, instead of being expected to be the full-time caretaker.
When I can complete a sentence uninterrupted.
When leaders of every major religion, share my gender and it’s teachings are firmly Male CIS Straight centered.
Both Privileged and Oppressed members of our society must commit to break vicious cycles of abuse. Owning your own privilege and spending that currency to raise awareness of others in your group is an important step. As parents, we must be also be vigilant about the messages we send, primarily on how we conduct ourselves, as all parents eventually realize our children are sponges.
How many times have you heard or seen yourself in your children? For good and ill. They may hear half of what you say, but they see ALL of what you do.
Which societal messages we accept or challenge speak volumes.
But I believe our collective silence on Rape Culture to date is deafening.
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Photo: Charlotte Cooper / flickr
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And thank you for sharing this!
I won’t mention who J.K. is, but I can link to a similar story.
http://www.adn.com/crime-justice/article/eagle-river-woman-sentenced-sex-assault-us-airman/2014/03/01/
There are 2 other stories that are similar making the rounds on MRM boards.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/massage-parlour-extortion-winnipeg-1.3643413
http://www.thelocal.se/20160616/boys-claim-woman-threatened-them-with-sex-or-deportation
We can’t even get to an agreement about the language. Until we can agree on language we can’t get much further. So let’s talk about the language. For the record, there is no such thing as “non-consensual sex”. People have consensual sex or someone is raped. Period. Full stop. So “agree” actually means “agree with my language”. Got it. Rape Culture is a term that was coined by feminists in the United States in the 1970’s. It was designed to show the ways in which society blamed victims of sexual assault and normalized male sexual violence. A complex set of… Read more »
Let me try to explain once more why this concept of male privilege at least the way that feminists define it is incompatible with non-consensual = rape full stop. When feminist talk about privilege and that men have the privilege of being able to go about without the fear of being raped, it’s not because they believe that men have significant risk of being raped and are simply oblivious to this fact and ignorance is bliss. They believe that men shouldn’t have a fear of rape because unless men don’t utilize their advantages in society, they won’t be raped. Its… Read more »
Very powerful. *Perpetuating the lie that “boys don’t cry.”* To the two posters above, it’s not a “women vs men” issue but privilege does come into play–with male rape as well. Here’s how: Why do you think male rape is not spoken about/believed? Because straight cis males always said a “real man” would enjoy sex with a woman and anyone else must be a “sissy” or gay (which are just other ways of saying “too feminine.”) Rape of any kind is horrible. If we continue to make it the victim’s fault (when it comes to female victims), who here thinks… Read more »
“issue but privilege does come into play–with male rape as well”
So men being rapped is a “privilege”? One reason why male rape isn’t taken seriously is this skewed concept that men are privileged. It’s either non-consensual = rape full stop or it’s non-consensual = rape unless there is a power differential or privilege involved or a bunch of other things people what to throw in there to categorize one rape as different or lesser based on their political ideology. Why is that concept so difficult to grasp?
If you want to know about why it gets hidden, look up Mary Koss and her relation to the CDC, as well as how her ideology is involved. It gets hidden for ideological reasons.
I see no evidence that if we only focus on female victims, somehow *MAGICALLY* male victims will be better off. It didn’t happen with boys in school (males continue to fall behind their sisters in education and it shows zero signs of stopping despite all our focus on women in STEM fields) But by all means, if you have some proof that making male victims invisible will somehow help them, I would love to see it. Mary Koss, on whose work is based much of the legislation surrounding rape, said it was “inappropriate” to consider a man who was forced… Read more »
Your response here is part of the reason why male victims (or either male or female rapists) don’t come forward. You say that its not “men against women” but then frame the entire situation as “if we help women come forward, men will be comfortable coming forward as well”. While not directly making it men v women it does set up the dreaded hierarchy of suffering where one groups suffering is more important and must be addressed first. If we continue to make it the victim’s fault (when it comes to female victims), who here thinks that male rape will… Read more »
“Rape Culture is promoted on billboards as violence against women to advertise a silly superhero movie.” Here is the other problem with rape culture theory. It gets to the point where anything I find offensive is rape culture. He’s a super villain that’s what he does. She’s a superhero. That’s what she does. She puts herself in harms way to protect us. I’m pretty sure most characters in film suffering violence are men, but let’s pick the one female character who has power as the problem. There is a theory in the MRM as to why there are no female… Read more »
I want to bring something else up and hope you reflect on the words. I had thought about going on a semi-rant, but then remembered that I had reached others on these boards and remembered the time others had reached me. I want to touch on why this concept of power dynamic is problematic when intersected with sexual assault. It’s predicated on the notion that silence = yes. Someone with power must use it to prevent their rape and even then it’s only the power that I would recognize. If they don’t fight then they must have consented. You just… Read more »
Second problem is that it misunderstands the nature of power. One famous rape victim in the MRM (sorry I don’t reveal victims names, but let the initials J.L suffice) was a marine whose female rapist threatened to charge him with rape if he didn’t submit to a rape. As a marine, he didn’t believe anyone would believe him. Let’s go back to your definition non-consensual sex = rape. Why does a power dynamic have to factor in at all? I think it must be recognized that while power dynamics do factor into rape one must be very careful on HOW… Read more »
“I can get up at a bar with little concern of watching my drink.”
It better to fear leaving your drink unattended than to not, leave io unattended, and wake up the next day wishing you didn’t. Your “privilege” of believing you won’t get raped is rooted in the same belief system of those who believe that a man can’t be raped by a woman. It’s why men aren’t believed. It’s why there are no victim services for men. Standing up against rape culture in all it’s implications, I don’t think so.
Shelly Defresne- 90 days for raping a 14 year old. Multiple times. Along with a co-worker. She did not even have to register as a sex offender.
You gonna tell me she had white male privilege too?
Is GMP going to run 10+ articles about her case and what her ridiculously light sentence says about our nation’s women?
No?
I didn’t think so.