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Accept That the Relationship Has Changed
A lot of problems arise in co-parenting due to the fact that one or even both parties continue treating each other like a spouse. They can have expectations for reassurance, explanations or input into decisions which are not anymore relevant.
After divorce, the connection has to take on a new direction. The question stops being, “How much do we owe to each other?” and turns into, “What do our kids need from us?”
Such transition will force parents to stop conflating relationship issues and decisions about parenting. Discussions about cheating, division of chores and divorce cannot become the topic when talking about schooling, medical appointments and holidays.
Acceptance must also include acknowledging that the other partner has the right to establish his own life. Unless the decision made by the individual concerns the well-being of the children, it does not always need to seek the consent of the other parent.
Counseling and family therapy can enable parents to distinguish between their emotional pain and their roles as parents.
Finally, parents must be careful not to try to force a friendship. It would be more appropriate for parents to aim for a polite cooperation at first if the divorce is fairly new because trying to establish a friendship without having overcome one’s grief and anger might only generate confusion.
A clearly written separation agreement can support this transition by defining parenting time, decision-making responsibilities, financial obligations and communication expectations. It
Build a Businesslike Co-Parenting Relationship
Co-parenting relationships usually resemble more business cooperation than a friendship as both parties have to take care of the same long-term responsibility – raising their kids.
It does not mean that one has to be cold while communicating but rather maintaining communication polite and relevant. For instance, instead of saying “You don’t tell me anything”, a person could say: “The school meeting will take place on Thursday at 3 p.m., please confirm your participation.”
This way, there will be fewer conflicts and a clearer trace of decisions made.
Parents should choose the means of communication that will ensure smooth flow of information, whether it will be a phone call, emails, texts, or a co-parenting application.
The time frame for responses is important as well. For instance, medical and security matters need an instant response, while other questions could be answered in a certain period of time.
The key point is not constant communication but rather reliable one.
Create Clear Boundaries
Separation changes what each party has a right to know and control. Clearly defined boundaries help former lovers avoid becoming emotionally involved and unnecessary conflicts.
Co-parent has the right to learn all about issues that concern children: health, education, hobbies, traveling, etc. However, there is no need for him or her to get any information regarding the other parent’s friends, social life, money and personal relations.
One should also set clear boundaries concerning access to one another’s house and the frequency of such meetings. It may have been fine before the divorce, but afterwards it can become inappropriate. Parents should define the place where children will be picked up, conditions of their notification and the way belongings will be exchanged.
Never use children to violate these boundaries. Making a child report on the other parent’s home, carry an emotional message or obtain information about his/her life puts a child between two conflicting parties.
The new relationship needs to be handled delicately. The emphasis should be on stability, an appropriate explanation, and the comfort of the child.
Boundaries are not punitive. Boundaries ensure enough distance from each other so that both adults can go about their business without losing their parenting roles.
It is also helpful to decide ahead of time what should not have to be discussed. Most routine decisions that each of the two parties makes will not have to be approved as long as there is no violation of the order or agreement.
Develop a Detailed Parenting Plan
However, good intentions alone are insufficient to cope with day-to-day co-parenting. The agreement needs to minimize confusion and eliminate the need for constant renegotiation.
Issues that could be addressed in the parenting plan include where the kids will stay, parenting time, holidays, special events, transport, traveling, communication and decision making.
The agreement should avoid obvious sources of conflict yet at the same time permit some flexibility to deal with illness, employment and other significant events.
Decision making is an issue that needs to be sorted out in a parenting plan. Parents may have to establish a process of dealing with decisions related to education, medical care, religion and significant activities.
Also, a good parenting plan will address the situation where the parents are not in agreement. It might be agreed that they meet within a given period to talk about the issue and consider seeking help from a professional or engaging in family mediation before thinking about taking the matter to court.
It should take into account the age and need for the children as opposed to a schedule that just looks like it gives each child equal time. School attendance, travel time, health considerations and even the bond that the parents share with the child could all matter.
Parenting does not involve one parent getting time from another.
Use Family Mediation to Restructure Communication
Family mediation may assist parents to progress from a conflictive emotional confrontation to a constructive problem-solving process. The mediator will not attempt to determine which party led to the separation or take any party’s side. He will facilitate the identification of problems and exchanging information.
Family mediation may help parents discuss schedules, holiday arrangements, household adjustments, support payments and expense sharing.
Mediation may assist parents to discover the root cause of the repeated dispute and thus deal with the main problem instead of engaging in an endless circle of the same dispute.
Mediation is not applicable in all cases. Family violence, intimidation, significant power imbalance and safety of the children issues should be screened appropriately.
Mediation is valuable in all other cases where it is appropriate because it provides a model for future communication between parents.
Put Important Agreements in Writing
Parents tend to shy away from the use of a written agreement since they feel that this is going to harm their cooperation. A well-written set of terms usually ensures this cooperation.
Recollections are different, and promises made verbally may be misconstrued. Something which may seem clear-cut initially when you are still getting used to being separated might not look so good later when your work schedule, academic year, holidays, or even a relationship changes.
A separation agreement can cover a whole variety of topics ranging from parenting plans, decision making, child support, spousal support, property and debt.
There should be no attempt to regulate the daily activities of the other parent through such an arrangement. The purpose is rather to spell out responsibilities, to minimize uncertainty, and serve as a guide when disagreements occur.
It would be advisable for each individual to thoroughly comprehend the details before signing. Advice from an independent family attorney would assist in this regard by explaining rights, duties, and consequences associated with such an arrangement.
Agreements need to be updated when there are changes in school, employment, moving, health requirements, or the development of the child.
Keep Children Out of Adult Conflict
They observe the change in tone, tensions during the communication process, and how their parent is distressed.
One should never make the child feel that he has to take sides; nor should he be asked to relay messages between the two parents or provide any information about the other house.
The child could still be loving both his parents despite the fact that one parent could be hurt by the actions of the other parent. Making him see things from an adult perspective would only confuse him.
It is sufficient for them to know the basic message which would be that the adults will be living apart but that both parents love him.
It is very important for children to have a good understanding about when they are supposed to meet each one of their parents and how their schedule will look like because predictability can make them feel less frightened of big changes.
Allow the New Relationship to Develop
However, just signing a contract will not make former partners co-parent effectively. Trust might have to be rebuilt through consistent behavior.
Keeping up with the schedule, sharing necessary information, and fulfilling obligations will make the co-parenting agreement more reliable.
Arguments will inevitably arise. Good co-parenting is not about avoiding conflicts at all costs but dealing with the issues in ways that do not target the other parent and kids.
It is also important for parents to understand that the nature of their relationship will be unique to each family. While some former partners visit schools together and maintain regular communication, others require restricted interaction.
There will be cases when high conflict will necessitate parallel parenting, in which the parents handle daily duties during their parenting time without having any direct communication.
The best approach for the sake of the children will be the one that protects them, creates consistency and minimizes conflict.
It is not necessary for the former spouses to agree about the past. They simply have to find a way to manage their future. If their communication remains practical, their boundaries are respected and all necessary arrangements are put in writing, they can create a new type of co-parenting relationship that is different from the previous one.
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