My personal pet peeves that are pointless and of no value to anyone.
10. When news outlets say “Naked protesters…” when the protesters are only topless or in their underwear. Words mean things. And the word “Naked” is a very important word to me. Don’t fuck with me like that. If the protesters aren’t clams and wangs in the wind, they are not naked.
9. Online articles that require you to click 300 times to read the entire article. I know why they exist. Advertising. I just don’t understand why we can’t Lysistrata this shit out of existence. Seriously, is anyone here dating the head of Upworthy?
8. People who can’t handle the fact that I will start speaking in any accent that people are speaking at to me. Can’t you see I can’t help it? No one can. Accents are addictive. It’s clearly out of my control. Fuck you.
7. When my dog eats on the carpet. Like a full one-third of the dishware in this house is for you to EAT OUT OF. That’s a carpet. I’ve seen you drag your butt on it. You pooped there yesterday. Is this really what you want to eat on?
6. White men in Hollywood named Chris who expect me to know the difference between them. Even older ones. Christopher Walden is just a vision of Chris Hemsworth drawn with somebody’s left hand. Prove me wrong.
5. Stock Photo people who are almost but not exactly doing what you want. I remember once doing an article for this magazine about people going back to eating meat again after being vegetarian and I found this picture of a girl looking at her hamburger with just the right combination of desire, lost opportunity, and restrained curiosity that I wanted. But you couldn’t see any meat n the burger bun. I searched for another picture. I gave up. Fucking Stock photo people.
4. Scam Likely
3. How the Fed Ex people frequently ring your doorbell and run off, like they’re trying to play ding dong ditch. Why do they fear me? I haven’t offered a bowl of cereal to a FedEx person in like 7 months. I wore pants. Wimp.
2. My chair keeps sinking on its own. Sometimes it does it really slowly so I notice around 4pm that I’m reaching up to my desk like a fucking oompaloompa. Sometimes it does it in a series of jerky spasms that makes me feel unloved by god and targeted for punishment by the universe.
1. When people think they have nailed April Fool’s Day. They didn’t.