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Although each person is their own separate universe, there is a realm between people where merging of universes happens. This is the messy world of relationships. Any time there’s a conversation about relationships there needs to be a partnering conversation about boundaries. Even the word “boundaries” can evoke a cringe response in people because the concept is often associated with tension and awkwardness. Yet boundaries in relationships are as essential as water to fish. Every relationship must have boundaries intact in order to thrive and reach its potential.
Boundaries mark the edges where one person ends and the other begins. They express a person’s limits regarding how much they’re willing to give, receive, share, participate, and tolerate. When you know where you end and others begin, you can more deeply attune to the needs of yourself and others, and attend to them in healthy ways.
Human connection is absolutely essential for every person, and everyone has their own degree of need and comfort when it comes to different kinds of interpersonal exchange. Imagine a person who loves hugs, and another who gets squirmy and resistant when approached with one. These two people exemplify different boundaries that manifest in their comfort with physical embrace. If the person who dislikes hugs continually says yes to hugs or grudgingly embraces others in order to meet social expectations, they are plowing over their own boundaries while allowing others to do the same. If this person were to simply voice their discomfort with physical contact of this kind, their inner system would be more at peace and their relationships would thrive from a more honest understanding of how to respect and honor them.
One challenge of boundary setting in a people-pleasing society is facing the social conditioning that it’s bad or wrong to say no to others. Often people are more worried about upsetting others than they are about protecting and caring for themselves, and this is where boundary work is most essential.
You can never know or control how another person will respond to the boundaries you set. All you can know is that you set a limit that’s necessary for you, and you did your best to do so with grace.
One of the most effective ways to set healthy boundaries and release attachment to the possible responses they evoke is with the “Three Gates of Boundary Setting.” If you can honestly say that you passed through the following three gates while setting your boundary, you can rest assured that you did everything possible to maintain integrity and consideration in this conversation. Allow the person receiving your boundary to react however they react, and know that their response is more about them than it is about you.
Gate #1: Kindness – There’s no need to be mean about it. Simply express your limits with heartfelt communication that conveys your message without shaming, blaming, guilting, or accusing the other person.
Gate #2: Honesty – Honesty is always the best course of action, even when the truth is hard to hear. Ultimately, when you are honest about your needs, you communicate with clarity and integrity that allows the other person to see the full picture of where you stand. From that vantage point, you eliminate confusion and the truth becomes an essential pillar in the foundation of your relationship.
Gate #3: Respect – Boundary work is challenging, both in giving and receiving. Maintain respect for the other person’s humanity, and remember that they’re most likely doing the best they can with what they know. Deliver your boundary request with respect for the other person and maintain the expectation that respectfulness be reciprocated.
It’s important to acknowledge that even when a person passes through the Three Gates, sometimes their message isn’t received well. It can be challenging for a person who has benefitted from your lack of boundaries to appreciate the limits you’re setting. If another person is committed to your self-abandonment for their own gain or comfort, setting boundaries with them will confirm and clarify the quality of that relationship in a new way. Your boundaries do not need to be well-received in order for them to be valid. Your needs are your needs, regardless of how other people feel about them.
Even if someone reacts in a way you weren’t expecting, and can’t respect your boundaries, try not to abandon them once they’re set. Your continual reinforcement of your limits shows others that you’re serious about the boundaries you set, and you’ll not be talked out of them. As Oprah famously said, “You teach others how to treat you.”
Ultimately, the healthiest relationships are those that not only honor your boundaries, but appreciate them too. When you express your limits in relationships, you model for others that it’s safe for them to do the same.
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