Bruce Buccio survived his divorce and learned to make a better life for himself and his kids. Here he offers 12 tips to help newly separated fathers build a good life for themselves and their children.
Originally appeared at Parenting for Singles
One of the most difficult times a man will endure is the transition from marriage to divorce. For me, going through a divorce with children tested every part of my being.
The following list reflects a compilation of what I learned and accomplished with my children over the first three years after separating. In hindsight, achieving the points on this list wasn’t easy. And it won’t be the end of the hard stuff–working through nonsense and staying your course is the important part, and the outcome is worth it.
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1. Prepare for Change – Life may look disheartening on the surface, but if you take a deeper, closer look there’s more than meets the eye. Nothing quite prepares us for this period, but it’s best to do it with integrity and dignity. It doesn’t matter how the ex responds to change. It’s now your life.
2. New household status – You’re the boss of your own domain now. One of the benefits to your newly single status is doing things your way for you and your kids. Release the inner voice held over from your ex that says you can’t buy new furniture or move furniture the way you like, or buy food for your diet and your cooking preferences. It’s the new you—change it up!
3. Adjust to your new life – There may be many reasons for your breakup, but none of it matters anymore. The pains are still there, which may drag up fears about your future, but you’re in a new place now with your new life and new heart—creating new habits, practices, and disciplines is your new norm. Your kids are a good, healthy distraction, they are your primary focus now along with your career and yourself. They are depending on you now more than ever.
4. Integrate into your kids’ lives – Regardless of your relationship prior to divorce, you have a new opportunity to build deeper bonds merely from the additional individual closeness and time together. Your consistency here will naturally develop a connection over time that is irreversible. Eventually you will see how your relationships with your children deepen and how you grow into a changed person with your new perspective.
5. Work past the ex, negativity, and games – This was your married life and maybe why you are now separated or divorced. No reason to amplify the negativity now. Don’t get entangled or prolong the anxiety. No matter what you hear through small lips, diffuse immature tactics with your warm persona, hugs, kisses, and smiles with your children.
6. Move forward– Keep your eyes on the horizon, toward your new goals and destinations. If you put too much emphasis on the other camp or keep looking back, you’ll only distract yourself from what’s really important in front of you. Stay focused on your kids and your household. It doesn’t matter what the other party is doing or saying—play out the new life you designed to benefit your children and you. Play by the rules and play nice with the ex. When it comes to holidays or other special days, be flexible.
7. Build structure – In the process of divorce, things got a little confusing for everyone. Add stability back into your kids’ lives by developing and building a framework of consistency and predictability into your home life. Structure is vital to your child’s long-term emotional health. Allocate time for important routines in your day such as playtime, meals, homework, bath, bed, etc.
8. Develop rituals with your children – Date nights, sports, and extracurricular or intellectual activities are fantastic ways to build rapport with your children. Consider coaching your child’s teams, as I did.
9. Being a reliable resource – Your kids will need you. Make your children a priority. Be there when they reach out. Share your intel: cell number, email, Skype ID, Facetime ID, etc. Communicate frequently and often with your children about your plans, travel, work, and schedule changes as though nothing other than your living arrangements has changed. Show them through example that you will be there when needed. It may help to inform your place of work in advance that you have a new household status and last-minute notices may occur for daycare or school as you adjust.
10. Mentor and teach your children – Depending on their age(s), you now have one-on-one opportunities to teach the kids to swim, ride bicycles, ski, and other fun things. These are all great ways to build connections and show them that you take stock in their lives. Rather than pass judgment, mentor your child through hard times with good reasoning and rational thinking. Keep communication lines open.
11. Stay positive – While you grieve from loss or due to new transitions it may be difficult to be positive with hurt emotions. Be selective when choosing your battles and look inward to incite personal change and ownership. Seek empathy and support if needed. Pray if it’s in your spirit. You are going to be okay.
12. Stick with what works – Identify your personal and parental gifts. If you don’t know what those are, here are a few to consider: love, patience, hugs, smiles, positive notes, holding hands, cooking, learning together, growing together, taking ownership, leading by example, not playing the victim, humor, and thoughtful acts of kindness.
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After a one-year separation, it took me another two years after the divorce to work through the emotional healing, learn to cope with challenges from their mom, and fully help my children acclimate to change.
The other camp didn’t appreciate the bright spots I developed with my children, but I stayed the course, disregarded the nonsense, played nice, and everything worked out just fine.
Image of father and sons courtesy of Shutterstock
Great stuff. I would also suggest that divorce and co-parenting is an opportunity to start over with your ex. She’s not your wife. She’s your co-parenting partner. And both of you need each other if your kids are gonna come through okay. Take the opportunity to expect and encourage the best from your ex for your kids. Expecting it is a big part of getting it.
Agreed. Developing a new relationship and therefore a platform with the ex for raising your children together would be ideal. When using integrity, making your children a priority, playing by the rules, playing nice, and being flexible around holidays should facilitate and support this new relationship organically. In my case, the ex was challenged from the start and years later I went to court and brought my kids home full-time.
That’s a great article with real food for thought. However ex partners can play nasty and as I’m in the middle if it right now I know so.
When you can only communicate by phone and live 800 yards ftk
each other and have the what started as adulterous relationship rubbed in your face day by day how do you stay positive. I now truly know the meaning if heart broken .
John F, I feel your pain. With change and challenge comes growth. I know you are grieving and taking the time necessary to allow yourself to heal is imperative. This outline shows there is hope. I recall many days with my face in my hands at work. I was 34 with four little girls ages 2-8 and had just moved my family across country in a relocation package with my employer. Today I see why things had to happen and if they didn’t then , they would have eventually. I’m a bigger man and a much better father because of… Read more »