Fatherhood ≠ Performance Evaluation
My best friend is weeks away from the arrival of his first baby. A son, in fact.
My friend is, naturally, quietly freaking out.
Along with prepping his home, stockpiling baby supplies, and caring for his working-til-the-last minute surgeon wife (who, incidentally, hasn’t had the smoothest pregnancy) Alex is suffering from a growing fear that he won’t be good enough for his son.
“If I can’t even get my own life together, how am I going to be good role model for my son?” he lamented.
Alex is a successful entrepreneur, podcaster, coach and former business owner. He’s doing great, and like all creatives, he wishes to achieve more and do better. Constantly.
Such is the quest for any man who has children. Fatherhood is a never ending battle for continuous improvement.
I interjected when he shared his greatest worry.
“Once you become a dad,” I said, “you’ll ask yourself everyday if you’re doing it right. There’s no such thing as perfection in fatherhood. Just let go of that thought now.”
I shared my struggles with him, how I question my actions and evaluate outcomes continuously with my kids. Sometimes I feel triumphant, other times like an utter failure. This past week was one of those times.
Dads: do your wins and loses column often look about even most of the time?
I use the metaphors of wins and losses, continuous improvement, evaluations, and battles because that is the language men are groomed with. We’re forever held to the question, “Do I have what it takes?” Whether we’re at work, play, or being a dad, we’re concerned about our performance.
But as I shared with my best friend, none of it matters once that baby has arrived and is in yours and your wife’s care. The only thing that matters is that you’re right there—fully present—to experience the magic of your shared love.
That’s all that will matter in the end: that fact that we are there. That’s what our children will remember: being with their dad doing stuff, and being showered in love and guidance. That’s what our performance or battle or whatever you want to call it is all about.
No man can be the perfect father. We can only do what we know by instinct, which is: to show up every day and get the job done.
But instead of treating it like a job, we can ought to treat it like our life’s greatest passion.
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Photo by Szilvia Basso on Unsplash
