Welcome to Portraits of Fatherhood: We’re telling the story of today’s dads.
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There is no better place to witness the changing roles of men and women in the larger culture than through the lens of parenthood. But rather than speculate on what and how contemporary fathers do what they do, we’d like to bring you portraits of the dads themselves. In their own words. Would you like to be interviewed for this feature? See the end of the post for details.
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NAME Andy
AGE 54
HOMETOWN / WHERE DO YOU LIVE NOW? Not sure what I would call my hometown. Born in Reading Massachusetts, but spent the bulk of my childhood outside of Washington, DC – which never felt like home. My home now is in the Western Massachusetts Hilltown of Conway.
NUMBER OF CHILDREN Two daughters
WORK Architect and Campus Planner
RELATIONSHIP STATUS Divorced
HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY? How have you, or you and your partner (if you’re partnered), arranged your life/schedule to provide the daily care for your kid(s)?
My two daughters are older and quite self-sufficient now. My youngest is a senior in high school and lives with me full-time. She is quite active and drives herself to school, soccer practice, the barn and other activities. I often arrange to go into work early to allow myself to catch her afternoon soccer games (which as a rule I never miss). I find myself cooking various types of salads and other meals that can be quickly heated up for when she or I are home. We frequently do not eat together – something that has been hard for me to give up but which is just a reality of living with a teen that has a busy school, work, sports and social schedule. I console myself with the fact that she is a star athlete with a GPA over 3.8 and functioning exceedingly well on most fronts.
My older daughter is on her own and working fulltime. She and I try to have dinner together at least once a week and catch one another during the weekends for an occasional walk, hike or kayak. I don’t feel I see either of them enough, but realize this is all a part of the bigger transition to adulthood for them (and me).
WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?
I do not know if this is my worst parenting moment but is one that is indicative of some of the pitfalls of our busy lives. My younger daughter was recently suffering from a sports injury and we agreed to make an appointment with the physical therapist. A day or so before the appointment, she texted me that she was skipping the appointment. I suspected that she was fearful that the PT was going to tell her she should not play. I texted back that she had to go if she wanted to play in her game the following day. This quickly escalated into a text argument which due to our respective schedule commitments could not be resolved face to face for a day or so.
WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?
In response to the moment described above, I brought back a box of cannoli’s from Boston’s North End, wrote an apologetic note and asked that we talk face to face. We had breakfast together the next day and vowed not to use text as a vehicle to talk about the important things and to NEVER allow ourselves to get caught up in an argument via text as it is all too easy to misconstrue emotions and meanings.
I admitted that as an adult she is well beyond the age of ultimatums and admitted fault in responding in that way to her. We talked about the difference between ‘I’m not going’ versus ‘I don’t want to go’ and how the latter still leaves open the door for a conversation while the former can come off as confrontational (particularly when delivered via text). In the end I told her it is her decision whether or not she goes to the appointment but that I hope that she considers where she is in her current season and stressed that I would feel awful for her if she was not on her game come tournament time. She went to the appointment and had a killer game the next day.
The more I talk to parents of teens, the more I hear these types of confrontations and mis-communications. Texting is a huge part of their (and our lives) and an admittedly important way to keep in touch with day to day activities, but the challenge is maintaining sufficient face time with teens who seem to be busier these days than we ever could imagine growing up.
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We’re looking for a few good dads.
IF you’d like to be interviewed for this feature, please write to Lisa Duggan at: [email protected]
Please write “Portraits of Fatherhood” in the subject line.