1. Along with sporting events and campfires, babies are the biggest reason why the hot dog industry is still alive and kicking.
2. Human beings are born good. It’s the world that turns us bad.
3. Necessity taught me how to pick up and carry three babies at the same time.
4. Necessity also taught me how to relieve myself while holding two, and use my leg to keep the third out of, um, the line of fire.
5. Every adult has a Donald Duck voice.
6. Most Donald Duck voices suck.
7. No matter how lame the Donald Duck voice is, every baby still thinks it’s funny.
8. Little boys wear gowns.
9. These gowns are manufactured by companies with names like Kissy Kissy.
10. Said manufacturers, I’ve concluded, are trying to turn my boys into the laughing stock of the male baby community. Why don’t they just go ahead and hand out free ass-kickings with each emasculating purchase my wife insists on making?
11. You don’t have to be as careful as you think when checking on three babies in the middle of the night. They’re not gonna wake up.
12. When changing a diaper, pulling a wipe from the plastic container doesn’t go down as advertised. The one on top is almost always stuck and requires the diaper changer to dig for it.
13. If a 3-month-old’s ding dong is exposed during that digging, there’s a 40 percent chance the changer gets doused.
14. I could invent the cure for all forms of cancer and my guy friends would still consider me nothing more than “that poor bastard with 2-year-old triplets.”
15. Whenever one of our babies takes a shit in the tub, we have no idea which one did it.
16. Whenever one of our babies takes a shit in the tub, I automatically rule out my daughter for reasons pertaining to mental serenity.
17. I’m better at changing dirty diapers than most men.
18. I’m better at changing dirty diapers than most women.
19. I’m not so great at discarding dirty diapers in a secured manner.
20. Because of #19, our dog has discovered he likes to eat soiled diapers.
21. Ingesting these soiled diapers makes our dog throw up.
22. Kissing a dog on the mouth, it turns out, isn’t that great of an idea after all.
23. With three babies, it’s virtually impossible to be overprotective.
24. Those overprotective parents who act as if they’re the first couple to ever have a baby? The ones who treat their infant as if the very survival of planet Earth is directly proportional to their kid’s well-being? Y’all need to get over yourselves. Friendly reminder—you’re like the umpteenth billionth couple to have a baby. Back in the Stone Age, babies were raised in caves for crying out loud. Babies aren’t gonna break. Quit treating them like they could. If your kid misses a nap, eats some dirt, or skins his knee, he’ll be okay. All you’re doing is creating a sissy. (Wait, you don’t work for a baby clothing manufacturer, do you?)
25. People think it’s perfectly okay to ask the parents of triplets extremely personal questions. Did y’all do in-vitro? People, that’s invasive stuff. (And no, we didn’t).
26. Doubling the size of your family overnight by quadrupling the number of children in it does not affect the amount of love you can give each one. Love is infinite, and infinity divided by any number is still infinity.
27. Buttons suck, snaps rock, and zippers rule.