In the wake of #MeToo movement, the Brett Kavanaugh hearings and scores of high profile sex abuse scandals, it’s become more imperative for us parents to have a real talk about consent with our teenage sons.
While it’s normal for teens to be curious and show interest in sex, the high number of sexual deviancy cases is quite alarming and parents like me are concerned about how best to approach the subject. Along with dating dos and don’ts, the issue of sex and consent is one that has to be tackled with both teen boys and girls.
Consent – A Complex Issue
Part of the problem, of course, is that most parents don’t quite know how to approach the topic. Teaching consent to teens is still a relatively new topic and previously, the birds and bees talk was only focused on abstinence or a simplistic “no means no”.
However,consent doesn’t just involve saying no. We need to go deeper and teach our sons what real consent looks like. We need to move beyond telling them to treat girls like they treat their mothers or sisters because that just doesn’t work.
On one hand, our teen sons are receiving the message that “no means no” while on the other, our culture encourages them to put more effort into pursuing a girl they like. Add girls who are taught to “play hard to get” or “make men work harder for it” and you can see how misunderstandings can crop up. A girl might say no but the boy she’s with might interpret that as a message to try harder.
Additionally, there are those who find it unrealistic to require couples to ask for a yes or no each time they want to hold hands, hug, kiss, etc. The argument is that this detracts from the intimacy and romance of the moment.
Finding Clarity
So how can we teach that consent can be fun?
The first thing is to teach our sons to move slowly in relationships, especially when it comes to physical contact. They need to learn how to not only focus on what their partner says but also on their body language. For instance, if you touch her and she pulls away, freezes up or appears uncomfortable, then you stop. Better yet, ask her directly if it’s what she wants and listen to what she says.
Next, our teen sons need to learn how to communicate with their partners and how to be sensitive to their wants and needs. They also need to learn how to have those challenging, awkward conversations with their partners. This is because the only way to know what works for your partner is to have a conversation about it way before getting to the physical point.
Ultimately, both teen boys and girls need to know that each partner is responsible for creating a safe space for intimacy. Both share the responsibility of ensuring that the other is comfortable with whatever is happening in the relationship.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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