Dan Szczesny, on being the man he could never have been twenty years ago.
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Two years ago, myself and my foster daughter Janelle (age nine at the time) spend a year hiking some of the more difficult peaks and valleys in our beloved White Mountains. We hiked in all weather, over 230 miles and 52 mountains, one peak a week. I was 45 when I did that.
Last week, The Good Men Project ran a story by Dave, the dadaventurer, who was surprised that parents these days are trending older (or at least older than the late 20s, which is what I gather Dave to be.) Dave’s reasoning seems to be that children need time outside, need to run around and play. I agree. Alas, us old fogies, says Dave, won’t be able to keep up.
Well, today, Janelle and I continue to hike and now run. She’s on the cross country team at her middle school and can whip my butt pretty good on the trails, but to date, my back has not given out. Or my feet. Or my knees or eyes. In December, my wife and I will bring another daughter into our misfit little family. That means I’ll be 60 when the new one becomes a teenager, and you know what? I can’t wait.
Janelle keeps me young and happy and healthy. She gives me incentive to be the best man I can, physically and mentally. And now, as we prepare for the new hiker/runner/outdoorsy kid to enter our lives, and the search begins for a new kid backpack carrier and we try out various running carriages and test the best pack and plays that will allow my little one time outside, my life and body will be renewed again. And as she graduates from our backyard, to the beach, to the woods and then to the mountains, I’ll be with her every step of the way.
And the best part? I’m not a young man. I have twenty years of experience, education and hard knocks behind me. I paid my dues and now my kids will benefit because I’ll be able to spend more time with them instead of hitting the salt mines every day to make ends meet. I’ll be able to talk to them about Europe and Asia because I’ve lived there. Now, as I take night classes to get certification in Elementary Ed. to add to my other degrees, I can do that from home, with my baby in my arms instead of rushing to sneak a kiss in at night before she falls asleep. I’ll be the man and father I could never have been when I was 25.
At 47, I can cook. I know how to replace a toilet. I am an expert at the tumble dry. I can set up a tent in bad weather in under 15 minutes. I could not do any of those things at 25. When my wife and I sit in our living room and I place my hands on her belly, my daughter-to-be kicks and rolls when I crank up the Beatles or Bob Dylan.
The downside? I won’t have as many years with the kids, theoretically at least. But life doesn’t have a plan for you. Your check out date could be as random at 60 as it could at 20. And I’ve learned from experience that time means little in the face of time well spent.
I have a gym membership and I have reason to use it, several reasons as it turns out. Oh, and by the way, Dave, here’s a little advice from one of us geezers; when your child becomes a tween, then a teenager, it won’t matter if you’re 40 or if you’re 60. She’ll still be able to kick your ass at whatever she wants and there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do about that. And that’s a good thing.
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Photo: The author, 45, and his foster daughter, Janelle, 9, at the summit of Mt. Pemigewasset in the White Mountains. Used with permission.
I can totally relate. I spent my 20s in the Military. I finished college when I was 32. I was set in the working world, and didn’t seriously go looking for relationships until I was almost 38. By that time, I had the house, the car, the job, etc. Just missing the wife and 2.4 beautiful children. I married a woman 13 years younger that I am. She had no problem being with an old geezer, so why would I have a problem being with a younger woman? (Besides, she keeps me young.) We had our first child when I… Read more »
Shouldn’t all this depend on personal choices? Like I don’t even get the point. Things work out differently for everyone. You wanted to have kids late in life – good for you. I’m 30 and my kids are 5, does it make me somehow less of a parent? I can assure you that both my husband and I can cook, replace a toilet and talk to our kids about Europe and Asia because (surprise!) we happen to have also traveled the world. If my idea of when to start a family differs from yours, it doesn’t make me all judgy… Read more »
Oh don’t take it like that Tiesse, though I totally get where you’re coming from. In fact, the whole impetus for the essay was that it’s in response to a great essay by a younger parent that was kind of “judgy” and I thought I’d represent the fogies like me. As an aside, I’m glad your age has never been an issue to you, but let me assure you as a 47 year old dad-to-be, there isn’t a day goes by when someone either directly or in a round about way asks me about my age in relation to “keeping… Read more »
I’m sorry to hear that, Dan. People can be really rude and intrusive at times. Wish you all the best!
Dan – my cousin had twins at 49. Yes. Twins. My cousin is a marine biologist by education, real estate guru, outdoor adventurist, and girl scout leader. Energy? She’s got it in spades!
Wow, Peggy! Attitude makes all the difference. And love of life! Good for her!
I consider myself just a kid at my age. Mid-sixties I don’t remember the number, and I don’t care if I do. Inside, I am still nineteen years old, only a little smarter. I said all that because age isn’t important, who you are on the inside is. I have raised two fantastic daughters who have given me six awesome grandchildren, the oldest being twenty-six, the youngest around three years old. I loved reading this and in my opinion, you are one truly sensational dad and great guy, all fathers should read your little chronicle.
Hi Judi, yes, just a state of mind, right? That and getting to the gym so I have the ability to chase her around when she becomes a toddler! And thanks for the kind words – stay engaged and enjoy those grand kids!
Great article and definitely struck a chord with me as well. I’m expecting my first in January and will definitely fall in to your definition of an “older parent”. When we were planning a family we did consider the age gap but not once did we regret our late start – in fact it was clear that starting earlier would have been detrimental as our life style, income and attitudes are a million miles away from where we are now – our life experience is something our daughter will benefit considerably from. Nowadays people live longer and stay fitter for… Read more »
Hi Phil,
Thanks, that’s awesome about your first in January. It’s an exciting time isn’t it! And that’s the thing, just because we’re a little older, doesn’t make our joy and fear and excitement any less. But for me at least, it makes me more determined in my commitment. I never thought of the healthcare angle either, so thanks for that. Cool about Mongolia, that sounds like it would be an incredible time! Good luck, stay fearless and enjoy your coming baby!
Glad it resonated, Ian. I’m looking forward to the journey. I never thought about the knowing myself part of the equation, but yeah, there’s that. I do know that I though I knew who I was at 20, but in retrospect, I had no clue, LOL. Thanks again, good luck with the little one, enjoy the ride!
Thanks for that. I can really relate to this article. I am 41 years old and have a daughter that is a little over a year old. On the other side of that coin I have an 18 year old son from a previous relationship. I can honestly say that I am a better father today then I was back then. I know who I am for starters and most importantly I know what’s important in life. Your article let me know that I am not alone in that thought process. Thanks Again!
Ian