Despite a difficult divorce, this dad vowed to be in his kids lives no matter what. Here’s how he fulfilled that promise.
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As I received the touching Fathers Day messages this weekend from my three children, I was reminded of a friend of mine who told me that he never received them from his children, because of his divorce.
I am also pretty sure for some women it feels their men become the same.
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I’ve met a lot of fathers who are divorced and there are many who tell me that divorce has ruined their relationship with their children. That they are no longer close, or that they no longer see or speak with their children.
They blame divorce for having made them bad fathers and for the lack of any relationship with their children.
But this is something that I just don’t accept because we define our relationships with our children through how we act, treat and support them. It’s not divorce that makes us bad fathers, it’s how we react to it and how we interact with our children.
Now, I know and accept that in some divorces our estranged partners can become psycho, and I am also pretty sure for some women it feels their men become the same. But, unless there are court orders blocking out interaction, we still have the opportunities to build healthy relationships.
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I left my wife when my children were only 6, 3 and 6-month-old respectively. As I left for another woman, it wasn’t the smoothest of break-ups and my ex did look to make things difficult.
But I resolved that I had left her, and although I didn’t love her anymore, I did love my children. And, that whilst I would no longer live with them, I was still going to be the best dad that I could be.
I needed a plan of action to ensure that I had the best relationship possible with my children and I came up with these five simple principles that I looked to live by.
- I was going to see them as much as I could.
- Support them financially and not play games over money.
- Make them feel loved by me.
- Let them see that while I had left their mother, it had nothing to do with them.
- Be there for them when they needed me.
Has it been easy to do all those things? No, it hasn’t.
Sometimes my ex made things difficult. Sometimes my new partner made things difficult for me, but I own the relationship with my children, not them, not my divorce, but me, and by the actions I take.
So I continued to try and achieve all those things in spite of what life has thrown up at me.
It worked for me even though after two years of divorce, I have not lived in the same country as my children. I first moved to Holland and then the Czech Republic but I still saw them every other weekend. When things got a bit harder and my job moved me to the U.S., I still managed to visit and see them every 4-6 weeks.
By this time my children were older and could understand that I was still doing my best to come and see them, Due to distances and cost every two weeks was impossible. But, we tried to make that up by spending three weeks together in the summer.
Throughout, I did my best and they felt that they could see I was trying to be the best dad I could be under the circumstances.
♦◊♦
We need to invest in the relationship with our children.
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My relationship with my children today, 16 years after I left, is still very strong, I don’t see them as much as I did before, this is partly because I live in the US. Also because they are now 22, 18 and 16 and have lives of their own, but I am still there for them.
I am still in regular contact with them–thank you Facebook–even with the difference in time zones, and I still support them emotionally and financially.
To make the strong relationship we have to separate how we think about and maybe even treat our ex-spouses how we treat them.
We need to invest in the relationship with our children. We can’t wait and leave it until later and hope that all of a sudden our children, as adults will look to develop relationships with is, it doesn’t work like that.
What we put in when they are young and need us; is what we will get back when they are older and they don’t need us! Divorce doesn’t make us bad dads, it’s what we do when we divorce that determines that!
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Photo: Flickr/ Christopher Lucka
Money cant buy love. Kids lose respect for parents that just break up a family for another partner. They may not always admit their feelings to mom and dad though. When my “dad” destroyed our family with his cheating i never forgave him and years later i dont respect him. I let my actions do the talking by never calling him and only Use him for money when he calls me. We hardly ever see him. I loved my stepdad much more cuz he made my mom happy.
It’s great your new partner is so accepting of the fact that you left your wife only 15 months after knocking her up.
Yep. He clearly was fooling around when she was pregnant. Class act, this one.
This is really an article on GoodMenProject? How in the world that this make it onto this site? A father who sees his kids so little misses so much. A big part of parenting is being present for the big stuff and the little stuff. By choosing to only be available every other weekend and later less than that, the author forego the opportunity to do the mundane and important day to day stuff with his kids. Can you imagine all he missed by not being there for the regular stuff? I am sure Tredgold thinks he has a good… Read more »
During the first few years i saw them much more, i took them to school each day i tried to see them as much as i could. Their mum actually moved away form where i lived, which made it harder to see them. It meant a 4-5 hr drive every weekend there and back, By moving abroad it actually made it easier to see them because the flights were only an hour or two. I spoke to them much more often than that and i tried to show i was there for them. For sure i missed out on a… Read more »
Alice, I have to wonder about all the wonderful military fathers who miss birthdays, holidays, soccer practice and up to a year at a time in their children’s lives. What would say about your evaluation of what a “good” man is or, what a good father is? Children need to be supported financially and emotionally. That mean, at times making a career the priority. As someone who raised children who had a father that allowed divorce to destroy his relationship with them, I give this man an A for effort. I don’t care why he left, how old they were… Read more »
I agree that children need financial and emotional support first and foremost. But many fathers when going through divorce forget this.
thanks for your comment
G