Don’t even pretend like dad doesn’t have some of the best life advice. Don’t also pretend like some of it isn’t downright hilarious. The truth is, dad has lived longer, and dad has some quality quips and tidbits of knowledge that can seriously better your day, and even your whole life.
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If the monster comes out of your closet tonight, say hi for me then go back to sleep.
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Don’t have sex after chopping jalapenos.
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Only boring people say they’re bored.
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Healthy people ask for what they need and want.
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“Is there blood? You’re fine.” I broke my wrist xD
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Don’t talk to anybody on the train. Except for your mom. Well maybe it would be best to ignore her too.
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If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
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“You sneeze, you lose.” I cried. He actually thought it was sneeze not snooze. #foreignparents
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Never break two laws at the same time. That’s how you get caught.
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If you do something bad… make sure there is someone else around to blame.
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Never date a girl who pays her rent in ones.
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Don’t follow what you think is the right way, make your way to what you think is happiness.
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Dad: “I will accept you for whatever your sexuality is.”
*1 month later*
Me: “Dad, I’m bisexual.”
Dad: “No you’re not. You’re not going to be any type of sexual until I’m dead.”
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Only chickens accomplish something by sitting on their asses.
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Don’t buy a bikini. Get a size XXXL men’s tshirt. That way, guys won’t notice you.
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Dad telling me about what I’d have to do to get a ‘free’ car ride from a guy. “It’s either gas, grass, or ass.”
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If any man tries to hurt you, tell them I have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.
This content is provided by Whisper. To see more posts like this, and to share your own experiences and connect with others, download the free Whisper app for iOS and Android here.
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Main image: Shutterstock
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