Do your kids have too much stuff? Tom Burns explains why people keep giving them gifts.
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A great article by Christella Morris titled “The Gift of Not Giving a Thing: Why I Don’t Want Any More Presents for My Boys” exploded across social media earlier this month, gathering over 847,000 Facebook shares alone. In the piece, Morris argues that her sons have enough “stuff” and suggests some alternate ways that loved ones can show their affection for her kids. (Who can’t sympathize with her statement “I really can’t imagine having more things in my house?”) Her article ends with a simple plea: “[If] you’re in our circle of friends or family, please don’t buy my kids presents but instead give them the gift of your time and love. That’s the ONLY thing they need.”
And that’s a marvelous sentiment. Marvelous. That’s exactly how my wife and I felt when our daughter was born.
We’d seen some of our friends with kids get overwhelmed on birthdays and during the holidays by wave after wave of useless, disposable presents for their young ones. One friend had a walk-in closet of unopened toys that she hid from her kids, a closet full of run-off presents from Christmas that her kids had completely forgotten about, presents that she’d carefully dole out as rewards throughout the rest of the year.
We didn’t want that same fate for our daughter. So, similar to Ms. Morris’ plea, when our daughter’s first birthday came around we told our friends and family, “We want this to be a ‘no-present’ birthday. Please come have cake and ice cream and let’s just have fun wishing the baby ‘Happy Birthday.’”
And that strategy worked … for the first year. Then things started to get more complicated.
After the novelty of the first “no-present” birthday wore off, we quickly found that our friends and family weren’t entirely happy with our decision. When our daughter’s second birthday came around family members would show up with gifts in the weeks before, saying “I know there are no gifts AT THE PARTY,” and then wink conspiratorially. On the day of the party, friends swung by as early as possible to slide us gifts in non-descript bags out of view of the other partygoers.
We kept reiterating, “She really doesn’t need anything” – but the gift-giving kept on going.
It got particularly complicated when our daughter was old enough to attend other kids’ birthday parties.
Our friends and family became noticeably uncomfortable when we gave their children presents, but didn’t want any for our kid in return. When friends would call and we’d tell them that our daughter didn’t need a gift, you could practically hear the stomach acid churning on the other end of the phone, “But you gave OUR son such a nice gift. You HAVE to let us give you SOMETHING!” It was as if we were violating an important social contract, as if our decision to prohibit presents was some sort of veiled commentary on their decision to allow them. The “no presents” rule was making everyone miserable.
In the end, we had to come up with a compromise that worked for everyone … sort of.
We now allow our daughter to have birthday parties with presents, but we exert as much pressure as possible on our closest family members to not go crazy. In the spirit of “The Gift of Not Giving a Thing,” we ask our loved ones to spend time with our daughter, maybe buy her a membership to a local museum, or make a contribution to her college fund — we try to steer them away from LEGO and dolls and stuffed animals, when possible. For her classmates, buddies, and BFFs, they can get her whatever they want. There’s no point in us trying to rein that in.
We have had to come to the understanding that gift-giving is an important act for both the recipient and the giver. Even when one of my daughter’s grandmothers makes a contribution to her college fund, we know they’re also going to buy her something to physically open on her birthday or Christmas morning because watching a child open up a gift is a wonderful, nourishing thing to behold. The kid gets so excited, their eyes flood with anticipation and gratitude. The act of witnessing that is a gift in-and-of itself — it’s a gift that’s hard to deny a loved one, particularly a loved one who so obviously cares so deeply for our daughter.
So, how do my wife and I prevent our house from being overwhelmed with presents around the holidays? We turn the screws on the only family members that we know we can control completely: OURSELVES.
We now give my daughter one present for her birthday and maybe one or two presents on Christmas. That’s it.
And that sucks. That really sucks. Not because it denies my kid presents. She still gets TONS of presents from everyone she knows and we buy her lots of great and/or useless “stuff” throughout the year. It sucks because, as her parents, WE want to be the ones who give our daughter all of the presents she’s been dreaming of all year. We want that gratification. We want to be the Christmas morning heroes. But, instead, we pass those suggestions on to our friends and family and we let them soak in the glory.
As I said before, I completely agree with the sentiment of “The Gift of Not Giving a Thing.” I do. But, in reality, trying to control how someone – particularly a loved one – is allowed to give your child a present is a very hard thing to pull off. For us, the best we could do was making sure that our friends and family knew how we felt, not holding grudges against those who felt differently, and trying our hardest, as parents, to mitigate the sheer amount of stuff that comes into our house each year. Because some of that stuff, as pink and plastic as it may be, can actually be a pretty potent expression of love from people who care about my kid and that’s nothing I can lightly dismiss.
That said, seriously, folks – SERIOUSLY – stop buying my kid stuff with glitter on it. That shit gets everywhere.
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Image: Flickr/maaco
Why not just give the gifts to a foster home or agency that distributes the toys to less advantaged children? That way you’re paying it forward. If the gift comes wrapped, just unwrap it so the agency can see what age group the toy should go to.
I’m totally with the “No gift”t thing. My kids are all grown up now and the ones with kids are swamped with toys, books clothes and STUFF and as a grandmother I don’t want to be giving things just for the sake of it or something that is just going to be lost amidst the jumble of so much stuff. Instead I started making my grandkids cd’s of me reading them stories ( I don’t get to see them much and I wanted them to at least know my voice!) My husband is a creative guy so he writes and… Read more »
Caitlin, I agree. As a wannabe starving artist, I’ve done things that will ultimately be keep-sake items that I hope they will some day pass on. For my first grandson’s first birthday, I built a wood train which he displays in his room. For my second grandsons first birthday, using my favorite photos, I did an Andy Warhol influenced painting. I wish people were more creative in their gift giving. Something we’re doing this year with the extended family is that gifts will only be purchased at places like St. Vincent’s, Savers, Salvation Army, Amvets, etc. Good products, great prices… Read more »
I was really enjoying this article until I got to this part: “And that sucks. That really sucks. Not because it denies my kid presents. She still gets TONS of presents from everyone she knows and we buy her lots of great and/or useless “stuff” throughout the year. It sucks because, as her parents, WE want to be the ones who give our daughter all of the presents she’s been dreaming of all year. We want that gratification. We want to be the Christmas morning heroes. But, instead, we pass those suggestions on to our friends and family and we… Read more »
Hello Tom B, hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. I agree with a lot of what you say in your article. After raising two kids and still have a wall of my basement stacked with the kids childhood toys, it’s obvious that they never needed anything. Nonetheless, now that they’re in their 20’s, I find that some of these toys have actually gained in value. My son has all his “Ghost Buster” toys and I’m sure my daughters expansive collection of “Barbie” dolls and accessories will all, at some point, be a collectable. What you may want to consider is… Read more »
Tom Brechlin – just wait until Tom Burns reads this comment. I assume you’ll be getting an offer on those Ghostbusters toys ASAP.
https://goodmenproject.com/arts/the-coolest-man-in-the-room-ghostbuster-peter-venkman-as-male-role-model/
Hi Joanna. Like his dad, my son is very sentimental and he can tell you exactly when he got something. If for no other reason, he wouldn’t give anything up. Heck,he still has his Ninja Turtle sleeping bag 🙂
Hi Tom – Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. I love your suggestion about hobbies. I’ve been working with my daughter to find an interest that really engages her, but we’re still looking. I personally really love the idea of being able to spend that kind of time and creative, constructive energy working with my kid on something she really loves. And I’m not a huge fan of gift cards. I get their purpose to a certain extent, but, to me, the act of gift giving is about really trying your hardest to find something really perfect for a person… Read more »
Tom B, Yeah, I think that’s what he has hopes of doing. I only wished I’d kept a lot of the toys I had growing up. Occasionally I’ll find one at shows but it’s not the same as having the actual toy you played with as a kid. If you do decide to go for the doll house hobby, it can get pricey but what’s cool about it is that you do it over a several year period. My daughters is a nine room gingerbread doll house and has a full electrical system. Even though she had the doll house… Read more »
@Mr.Burns Good points are being made here.When I was married I lost the fight in the house to scale back on christmas and on bdays.It seems as if extravagant birthdays are out of control across the cultural divide in American culture.Personally,I think children eventually become entitled.This eentitlement destroys character,integrity and saps their emotional toughness.