Jude Mikal does not really behave as a “helicopter parent” but he is finding that he is opening up to the benefits of that parent style. Here is why.
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Generally when I take my kids to the park, it’s a moment of decompression for me; an hour or two to stare at my phone, or to have a conversation where I use sentences that don’t start with or end in “dammit”. And yet I find that conversations at the park have become something of a rarity as more and more parents meander around after their children at playgrounds, lifting seemingly fully capable children from ladders to bridges, chasing them down slides, and negotiating every interaction or disagreement. This high-involvement parenting has changed the ambiance of playgrounds from one of parental social support and decompression, to one where my interactions with my children feel contrived and on display. As a father, playgrounds can be hard to negotiate. I feel motivated to live up to expectations like this:
Random mom: Excuse me, sir…but I think your daughter is eating sand…
Me trying desperately not to get out my phone: …my daughter is 15, it’s probably my son…I mean, uh…”OH MY GOD! MY PRECIOUS BABY!!” Throwing down my coffee, pushing other kids out of the way, “THANK GOD I HAVE 911 ON SPEED DIAL! Baby are you hurt? Can you feel your legs? Do you need a fresh glass of milk? Or some gluten-free apple compote? SPEAK TO ME!”
As a dad, the reaction is particularly important, because moms already tend to shun you at the park – so if you don’t show them that you speak their language, they tend to get even more spooked.
In reality, I like to think of myself as fairly tough on both my boys and my girl, and that as a result of this toughness all three learn things like resilience, self-reliance, and resourcefulness.
However, in light of all the blog posts putting down “helicopter parents” I can’t help but ask myself, what might my kids have learned from the times when I’ve softened up a bit. The times when I’ve faked more of an interest than I truly felt, stepped in to fix a grade, awarded a participation ribbon, or held a teacher accountable when I felt my child was being treated unfairly. Have those been categorically bad decisions on my part? Or do kids whose parents stand up for them invariably feel let off the hook?
So to that end, I’ve come up with a list of things that kids learn from helicopter parenting:
- Children whose parents advocate for them, learn to advocate for themselves.
- Children whose parents step in to correct their mistakes learn that life can give do-overs.
- Children whose parents stand up to unfair teachers learn that people in power are not aways objective.
- Children whose parents refuse to allow them to be labeled as “problems” learn that they are not problems.
- Children who receive participation ribbons, learn that when internal motivation fails – a little reward can go a long way.
- Children who are supervised during playtime learn that it’s not always the toughest kid who makes the rules.
- Children who get kisses when they fall learn that just because the world is mean, doesn’t mean you have to be.
- Children who feel safe, advocate for the safety of others.
- Children who get participation ribbons also learn that putting yourself out there, and trying something you’re not the best at, deserves acknowledgement.
- The Internet and other new technologies mean that kids are now exposed to more, earlier. Remaining involved longer helps to ensure that kids can process what they’re being exposed to.
Blog posts abound suggesting that parents are overly-involved in their children’s lives – and that such over-involvement has lead to a nation of dependent young adults, incapable of coping with the slightest offense. As a father, the notion that young adults are coddled and underprepared for adulthood is particularly threatening to me because I have always thought of it as my job to instill toughness and resourcefulness in my kids. So to think that my kids have failed to develop resourcefulness feels like a failure on my part.
And yet, teaching kids the value of resourcefulness and self-reliance seems virtually impossible in today’s climate of high-stakes parenting expectations. Plus, even though “helicopter parenting” puts kids on a road towards depression, anxiety, and an inability to respond appropriately to workplace expectations; “involved parenting” leads to things like improved academic performance, decreased truancy and dropout rates, and more racial pride in minority students. Moreover, stories of deadbeat dads and workaholics haunt many dads’ narratives of fatherhood and become models we actively try to resist.
Research refers to “involved parenting” as fostering positive relationships, encouraging family mealtimes, and participating in shared activities, while “helicopter parenting” means having parents do things that are “developmentally inappropriate”. However, that distinction in practice may not be as clear. Moreover, the very academic institutions warning us against the ills of over-parenting, are the same institutions offering orientations geared towards the parents of incoming freshmen. So in the meantime, I’ll continue to call out the guard when other parents are on watch – knowing that, like with most things, the solution may be a bit of both.
Photo: Flickr/Eli Duke
This really gave me some things to think about with mynown parenting!