I steeled myself as I emerged from the shower. I could hear the padding of feet and the slamming of the back door. Ugh, I thought. I told my husband our son’s doctor’s appointment was at 1:15 PM. It was 1:22 PM and they were just now scurrying out of the house. I resisted the urge to run after them and take over. To speed through traffic and walk in apologizing emphatically, throwing my husband under the bus. I took a deep breath, checked myself, and did nothing at all.
Women are natural multitaskers. Take that morning for example: We’d both been up since 6 AM and had our youngest to his first swim practice by 8 AM. I then dropped my daughter at tennis, sat in the car finishing a presentation while eating a packed lunch like a kindergartener and taking two conference calls, and by 1 PM was finally on my way home with her. I’d been sitting in sweaty gym clothes since 8:45 that morning and could actually smell myself. I am not telling you all this to boast; this is a typical morning for most mothers, whether we work outside the home or not. I am no different; I am not special.
Parents are pushed and pulled to the extreme on a daily basis. It reminds me of the Stretch Armstrong doll I used to play with as a child, the expectancy that his gummy structure will continue to give and give no matter how much pressure I put on him.
So why is it so many women in a marriage assign themselves the role of primary caregiver? Not because their partner is incapable, but perhaps because we feel more adept at performing the job requirements. Maybe it is because women are supposed to be “natural caregivers,” meant to be self-sacrificing and generous of our time, even if we have the same career commitments as our spouse. Even though men are doing more of the parenting and household chores than in previous generations, the cultural expectation that women should “do it all” when it comes to children and home hasn’t really shifted. I would argue perhaps in part, it is because women keep telling themselves we can simply do everything better and faster.
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Maybe it is because women are supposed to be “natural caregivers,” meant to be self-sacrificing and generous of our time, even if we have the same career commitments as our spouse. |
I have friends that will hire childcare if they are away for the weekend because it is “easier” for their husbands. Women who feel they are the only ones that can coordinate playdates and doctor’s appointments and sports schedules because their significant other “doesn’t know the routine.” I am guilty of frequently starting to ask for help and then doing it myself because, I surmise, by the time I explain what needs to be done, I could have already completed the task and checked it off my list.
But here’s a question: Would you continue to tie your child’s shoes for them when they are in middle school because it is easier since you’ve always done it and you can do it better than them?
Of course not. You teach them to tie their own shoes, an early lesson in self-sufficiency. To claim that your way is better than your spouse’s because you’ve been the one doing it all along is not an argument. If anything, it widens the gap even further. It can leave one partner with feelings of resentment and unnecessarily weighed down with responsibility, and the other with a sense that their effort and capacity to give goes unnoticed. It also perpetuates the notion that women should be primary caregivers to another generation of future mothers and fathers that we are raising.
My husband and son got back from the doctor’s appointment successfully. They were a couple minutes late, he admitted, but they got right in. Maybe he wasn’t there 15 minutes before the appointment started like the nurse had asked, forms pristinely filled out, but the visit went off without a hitch. Our son is healthy and happy and really, that’s all that matters.
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This article originally appeared on Babble. For more from Babble, try:
- Blogger Says Women Should Do Housework “Cheerfully” to Make Husband’s Lives “Easy”
- Dad Reveal the “Crazy Sh*t” People Say to Them Every Day
- A Salute to All the Stay-at-Home Dads Out There
Photo credit: Getty Images
Not because their partner is incapable, but perhaps because we feel more adept at performing the job requirements. Maybe it is because women are supposed to be “natural caregivers,” meant to be self-sacrificing and generous of our time, even if we have the same career commitments as our spouse. Sure and the reason there are men that think women shouldn’t be in the front lines of the military isn’t because they think women are incapable, but perhaps those men feel more adept at performing the job requirements. Maybe its because men are supposed to be “natural warriors” meant to be… Read more »
I hope you didn’t hurt yourself with all that self-congratulatory back-patting, which was about 70% of your article. I hate to break this to you, but your entire premise is wrong – women are not any more natural multi-taskers than men. You may think you are, and you may even be – but since you started with a ridiculous premise, the rest doesn’t really hold up very well. My wife, god love her, will be late to her own funeral. She is late to everything. Conversely, when I take the kids to appointments, daycare, whatever, they get there on time.… Read more »
Wow
I can tell you that the percentage of days that my kids are late for school when they are with their mom is way higher than when they are with me.
But, woman are better and faster at the whole parenting thing….
I have friends that will hire childcare if they are away for the weekend because it is “easier” for their husbands. ” Seriously? Is it that the mom feels she’s the only one that can perform these tasks or is it they themselves have stereotyped men as in capable?