Recently, I ran into a parenting problem during what should have been a fun evening out.
I thought I’d take my son to a local fair, and since he is an only child, I asked him if he wanted to invite one of his friends. He invited Lucy, and we arranged the pick-up with her mom. Both Lucy and my son are young teenagers.
The evening was going well. The kids were having fun, having been on a couple of carnival rides. The lines were longer than usual, but otherwise, all was well. We decided to take a break and pick up some junk food.
As we were sitting down with our corn dogs, Lucy noticed she’d missed calls from her dad. She called him back and went off to the side so she could hear. When she returned, I asked if everything was OK.
It was, Lucy told me, but her new stepmom was at the fair, along with some siblings, and she needed to go be with them. Lucy seemed to be in a mild amount of trouble with her dad; they’d attended the same fair the previous night, and he was unhappy that she was going again. In his view, if she wanted to go a second time, it should have been family, not a friend.
This was all a surprise to us. We hadn’t even known Lucy had attended the previous night when we invited her, nor that it would matter.
As a bit of a back story, we’ve known this girl since kindergarten. Lucy is one of my son’s best friends. I’ve known both of her parents a bit through school events, but have worked with her mom a bit more when planning outings and such. Lucy splits time with each parent and told us a bit about her new stepmom. As far as I knew, her parents had a mostly amicable relationship; they’d never been married but communicated as necessary to care for their daughter.
Now, however, I was in a difficult situation. I had picked up Lucy from her mom’s, not her dad’s. As far as I understood, her mom had custody this night, and our plan had been to return Lucy to her mom. While I had no reason to believe there was any kind of custody dispute at play here, I was uncomfortable leaving a child whose safety had been entrusted to me with a stepmother I was just meeting when that hadn’t been the plan.
The situation was exacerbated by the fact that we were unable to reach Lucy’s mom for a while. This left me filled with question marks. We were ready to leave, but should I really leave a child in the custody of someone I don’t know without confirmation that it is OK from the person who trusted me with her? We hung around for a bit, trying to keep things casual as the kids tried a few more rides, and I continued to try to call and text Lucy’s mom.
For a time, I was worried that this was going to end up in a confrontation. Ultimately, it all worked out. We finally connected with her mom, and the child transfer was made. How the two parents discussed and resolved the issue remains a mystery to me (and is none of my business.)
While our mini-crisis was averted, I realized this was another confirmation of a gap in discussions of parenting. There are numerous guides for parents out there, including ones for divorced ones, with wisdom passed down from others who’ve been through similar situations. But I have never seen a guide for those of us other parents who are new to these situations and have to deal with the friends of our children and the varying family situations.
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My wife and I remained together until she passed in 2020. As a widower, I am now negotiating these issues alone. There are many challenges as a single parent, but this is the one for which I’ve never seen advice. How do we navigate events and outings when your child’s friend’s parents aren’t together?
My son’s friends run the gamut: two parents, divorced parents, some never married and splitting time, at least one being raised by a grandmother after a tragic situation I won’t relate here. When parents aren’t together, how do we organize outings? Whose week is it this time, and how can we know? If it is the week of the parent with less custodial time, they may be cautious of the time they do have, not wanting to share the child with others, including their friends.
Let’s face it, when relationships break up, parties involved are often at their least rational, even years later. In some cases, we have the contact information for one parent but not the other. If we work with one parent to arrange outings, will the other feel slighted? Will they be less likely to coordinate with us when it is their turn?
Some estranged parents communicate well about their children. Just because they are no longer together doesn’t mean they can’t do what’s best for the kids. Others communicate only as necessary, if at all. Some are involved in long, ongoing custody disputes. What’s more, if you are trying to work with these parents, they may not tell you of these disputes, as they are, of course, not your business. Or, they may tell you a version that paints them as the aggrieved party, rightly or wrongly. You could get pulled into the middle of someone else’s dispute. All is fair in love and divorce?
We were lucky that the fair evening didn’t go worse. With her mom’s permission, Lucy went home with her stepmom, and we went home. But I left with more questions than answers. I’ve looked for guides for parents dealing with these situations and have, so far, come up empty. This is a gap in the parenting literature.
I am personally not ready for the job, but, I hope someone out there can put together a list of tips.
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