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If you were raised by a narcissist, that legacy could still affect your mental health in numerous, often imperceptible ways. The implications of narcissism can be lasting, and they can greatly affect a man’s adulthood in every aspect of his life, from career to romances.
The journey of healing lies in breaking connections between your upbringing and your unwanted behaviors in the present.
Before we dig deeper into the matter, it’s important to identify common narcissistic behavioral patterns among narcissistic parents.
- Did your parents criticize you or undermine your choices and decisions?
- Did your parents seldom apologize or admit that they were wrong about something?
- Did they leave you feeling like you would never be good enough, no matter how hard you tried to live up to their expectations?
Do you feel like that today? Do you suffer from low self-esteem, and does your self-worth greatly depend on other people’s opinions?
Children of narcissists often have difficulties trusting others, and they feel misunderstood as adults. If the following signs resonate with you, it’s possible you were raised by a narcissist.
10 Signs You Were Raised By Narcissistic Parents
1. Parents’ refusal to acknowledge they made a mistake
Do you perceive your parents as ‘impeccable’ and ‘almost perfect’ creatures who seldom or never admit when they make a mistake because they “DON’T” make mistakes? If yes, this is one of the biggest signs you were raised by a narcissist.
2. Lack of open and honest communication
Narcissistic parents are not open and honest communicators because they solely rely on emotionally manipulative behavior. Lack of open and honest communication equals a lack of support, respect, love, and appreciation.
3. Gaslighting
Gaslighting includes overly controlling behavior, ‘criticizing you because they love you,’ a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, playing the victim, a grandiose sense of self-importance, etc. Also, seeking approval from your narcissistic parent often ends up with gaslighting.
4. Narcissistic parents have unrealistic expectations
Their love is conditional. They expect perfection at most times, and they often scapegoat you. They implement unrealistic expectations in every aspect of your life.
5. Blame-shifting
If you felt (or still feel) like you’re the one to blame for everything bad that happens, then you know you were raised by parents who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Blame-shifting is every narcissistic parent’s primary weapon of manipulation.
6. Emotionally manipulative behavior
Narcissistic abuse involves imposing their way of doing things onto you (their way is the only right way) and self-absorbed behavior.
Manipulative behavior makes children rely on their narcissistic parents, making them feel incapable of taking care of themselves or making choices in their adult lives.
7. Narcissistic parents undermine their children’s choices
Narcissists tend to sabotage their own children’s choices and decisions as a way of establishing control over them and manipulating them. Such parents think that they are the only ones who have the right to decide what’s best for their child.
8. Playing the victim
One of the most destructive narcissistic traits is playing the victim and making you feel responsible for their emotional state. Narcissistic parents have a tendency to blame-shift others as a way of controlling them.
9. Lack of attention
Growing up in a narcissistic family includes a lack of love, attention, and healthy communication. Children often feel like they need to fight for their parent’s attention in order to ‘earn it.’
Later in life, they see love as conditional and something they are not worthy of if they don’t prove differently to themselves and others.
10. Mocking or dismissing your emotional responses
One of the things narcissists do to manipulate their victims is mocking or dismissing their emotional responses, which is a form of emotional abuse.
Such children become unable to understand and identify their feelings in their adult life. They lose their sense of self and have difficulty expressing themselves.
14 Ways Being Raised By A Narcissist Can Affect A Man’s Adulthood
1. Being raised by a narcissistic parent affects your partner selection
Being raised by a narcissistic mother or father can greatly affect the partners you choose in your adult life.
Some men try to mirror the unhealthy patterns of their narcissistic parents just because they grew up in such an environment and, therefore, are familiar with it.
Because of this, many men end up in a controlling or toxic relationship. They subconsciously choose partners with narcissistic traits because they remind them of their parents.
2. Self-sacrificing behavior
Some men remain stuck in the role they had as a child. Self-sacrificing behavior becomes a part of their daily life. Their opinions, dreams, and preferences are hindered by other people, including their partners.
Many of these men are not aware of it because such behavior was ‘expected’ of them when they were living with their narcissistic parents.
3. Self-doubt and lack of self-confidence
The majority of men who have grown up with narcissistic parents become overly self-critical. In other words, their inner critic is so loud that they can’t hear their true self.
Lack of self-confidence can reflect on their career, relationships, you name it. Men with low levels of self-esteem often have difficulty approaching women, and when they do, they always feel like that one woman is way out of their league.
They feel like they need to go out of their way to win a woman’s attention. They set unrealistic expectations for themselves, and because of this, they often end up being taken for granted.
Self-doubt and lack of self-confidence also lead to perfectionism. They work hard until they become both mentally and physically exhausted.
No matter how successful they are in life, they never acknowledge their skills and competence because perfectionism forces them to constantly chase the impossible.
4. Avoidant-attachment style
Some adult children of narcissists develop an avoidant-attachment style where they steer clear of any type of romances.
Such men experience attachment issues, and they have problems connecting with others.
They willingly avoid any kind of connection because they are unable to show vulnerability in a relationship. The avoidant-attachment style is also connected with severe trust issues.
5. Codependency in relationships
Men raised by narcissistic parents can experience codependency in their adult relationships. They become overly emotionally or psychologically reliant on their partner.
Such men feel like they need a dominant partner who will be in control of them. This is linked with their low levels of self-esteem and their narcissistic parents’ manipulative behavior.
6. Trouble setting boundaries and pleasing others at your own expense
Being raised by a narcissist can turn some men into people-pleasers who look for validation from others their whole life.
Such men often go out of their way to please their family members, friends, colleagues, bosses, girlfriends, or wives. They have trouble setting boundaries because of the feeling that they’re not good enough.
The more they sacrifice for others, the worthier they feel, but it’s a fake feeling of self-worth that cannot last long.
7. Struggling to identify your feelings
Children of narcissistic parents sometimes struggle to identify their feelings their entire life. Such children have difficulties connecting with their true self and their emotions.
This happens due to a narcissistic parent’s tendency to mock or dismiss the emotional responses of their child. In their adult life, such men have difficulty expressing themselves due to a fear of being judged by others.
8. Being raised by a narcissist can lead to anxiety and depression
Narcissistic manipulative behavior leaves a young child and the resulting adult vulnerable to mental illness.
Men who were victims (or who are still victims) of narcissistic abuse can become anxious or depressed due to feelings of helplessness, the fear of being criticized and dominated by their parents.
Sometimes, when they need to deal with life challenges, they may be left paralyzed, thinking they are helpless and can’t do anything about a certain situation. Self-soothing is also something children raised by narcissists don’t learn.
9. Feeling undeserving and sensitive to criticism
Do you feel like you’re not good enough? Do you chase perfection? Are you sensitive to criticism?
Men who were raised by narcissists are in a constant race to prove themselves to others as a way of boosting their self-worth.
They become competitive in every sense of its meaning, and they fear criticism. They fear disappointing others.
Often, they feel undeserving of the attention they receive from their loved ones. They feel like they need to work hard to win other people’s approval. They feel like love is conditional and something that needs to be earned.
10. Difficulties letting go or being spontaneous
Narcissistic parenting makes it difficult for men to let go of toxic things and people in their adult lives. They either become codependent, or they develop an avoidant-attachment style.
Also, they have difficulties being spontaneous because of the fear of failure, criticism, and their inability to relax and just go with the flow.
11. Patterns of compulsive behaviors
Some men develop patterns of compulsive behaviors in their adult life, such as excessive shopping, binge drinking, smoking, gambling, overeating, drugs.
These and other similar addictions serve them as an escape from reality and the traumas from their childhood.
They can also be self-destructive to the extent of sabotaging their healthy relationships or careers. Why? Because they feel like they don’t deserve to be truly happy.
Unhealthy relationship dynamics and patterns of compulsive behaviors become their lifestyle.
12. Believing that dysfunctional relationships are normal
Do you believe that dysfunction in relationships is a normal or unavoidable occurrence?
Children whose parents held grudges, lied to them, manipulated them, and gaslighted them may form a belief that such things are unavoidable and something that happens in every relationship.
Believing that dysfunctional relationships are normal may cause problems in forming healthy relationships in the future.
13. Perceiving others as fragile or viewing yourself as a burden to others
Men who were victims of narcissistic abuse often feel like they’re a burden to others and not worthy of love.
They feel like their mindset is overly complicated, and it’s their fault that they sometimes feel confused or scared of connecting with others.
If their parents acted like victims, they will perceive others as fragile. They will have difficulty differentiating between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.
The Journey Of Healing
The journey of healing from narcissistic abuse consists of the following revelations:
- How to deal with your childhood trauma
- How to break connections between your upbringing and your unwanted behaviors in the present
- How to connect with your true self
Understanding narcissism
Educating yourself on narcissism and its effects on your adulthood is key when it comes to starting the healing process.
It’s important to recognize that you are not the one to blame for the manipulative behaviors of your narcissistic parents.
Your parents didn’t undermine your choices and decisions because your opinions were wrong. They blame you every time something bad happened because it was your fault.
Their actions DON’T define you.
The more you repeat this in your head, the easier it will be for you to detach from the toxic beliefs imposed on you by narcissistic parents.
Seeking professional help
Seeking help from support groups or a licensed psychotherapist is a great idea because it will help you deal with the trauma the right way.
Psychotherapy can help you set boundaries, recognize your triggers and learn to deal with them.
Seeking support from your friends and loved ones can also help you when it comes to regaining a sense of self and rebuilding your ability to trust and be vulnerable again.
Setting healthy boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is a must if you want to gain control over your own life. Your therapist can help you set boundaries in a healthy way.
After you learn what types of boundaries would be most beneficial to you, you need to implement them with your narcissistic parents.
In these situations, baby steps are crucial.
Abuse, denial, and psychopathy are legitimate reasons for considering having low or no contact with your parents. Putting up with these manipulative behaviors can only harm you more in the long run.
Placing responsibility and accountability
Remember that you are an adult now, and you are accountable for what you do with your life. Your narcissistic parents may have blamed you for bad things that happened to them, but they were also adults, and they were the ones responsible for their actions.
Your parents may have avoided taking that responsibility, but you have a chance to do things differently.
What happened in the past doesn’t define you, but what happens from now is your choice and depends on your ability to be responsible and accountable for your own actions.
Asking yourself the RIGHT questions
Sometimes, asking the right questions is all you need to instantly change your perspective on things and see them as they are. Instead of blaming yourself for things that happened to you, redirect your focus onto things that can help you heal.
Ask yourself the right questions because if you don’t, you will not get the right answers. Here are few things to think about:
- “What is the best approach to taking care of myself in this situation?”
- “Who do I want to be in life?”
- “Is this how I want to perceive others or treat myself?”
- “What are things that mean something to me in life?”
- “What do I want to stand for?”
- “Who am I?”
If you find yourself not knowing what to do in a certain situation, try asking yourself: “What would my parents do?” (Or, what advice would they give you). Then do the opposite.
(If you do so, you have a high chance of doing the right thing.)
The journey of healing consists of asking yourself the right questions and finding the right answers that are somewhere in between your past and present.
The Takeaway
Being raised by a narcissist can have long-lasting effects on a man’s adulthood; their mental health and self-esteem.
Gaslighting, unrealistic expectations, and blame-shifting by narcissistic parents are only a few things that can shape a child’s personality and mindset.
Such behavioral patterns during childhood can make men become victims of codependency in relationships, self-sacrificing behavior, avoidant-attachment style, patterns of compulsive behaviors, and many other things.
However, seeking professional help, understanding narcissism and the effects of their parents’ actions can lead to healing and regaining a sense of self.
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