How Faith Will Shape the Sex Talk With My Sons

Embed from Getty Images
Talking to your kids about sex is one of the most important conversations you’ll have with them. I have three sons, and although the oldest boy is seven and it may be a little too early to start talking about sex with him, I’m thinking about what I’m going to say; because in just a few short years he’s going to have questions, and I’m going to need answers that are both meaningful and informational.

Here’s what I want my son to know about the sexual part of himself when we do have that talk:

1. Our faith is important in the decisions we make

I want my son to know that our faith is important to us. We are Christians, and the gospel is not just a story we listen to. It’s like a yeast that works through the whole of our lives. I want him to know that sex is important, that God created it to be good, and that he should enjoy the sexual part of himself. I want to teach him that the best way, for us, is abstinence until marriage, but I also prepare him. I want to teach him what a condom is, how to use them, and where to keep them in case he finds himself in a prickly situation. For many Christians, giving a young man a condom could be viewed as giving license to the action, but I see it differently. Teaching him not to use his sexuality under any circumstances until he’s married just isn’t practical. I’ll teach him how our faith defines our sexuality and what scripture says about it. I’ll encourage him to choose virginity. However, I want him prepared for when those situations come up.

2. It’s okay to want to have sex

Wanting sex, I’ll tell my son, is a good thing. It means everything is working the way it’s supposed to work. I don’t want him feeling shame or guilt for desiring to do something that everyone on the planet desires to do. Sex is a God-given, enjoyable answer to a deep seated need for intimacy. The desire for it should be celebrated and welcomed. His sex drive should be used to propel him to do good, hard work and show young women that he has what it takes to sweep them off their feet and be a blessing to them. When it comes to masturbation, I don’t want it to be something that he struggles with because we never talked about it. I don’t want him thinking he’s dirty or broken because he’s done it.

3. His manhood should be a blessing to his future wife

Rather than a curse, I want him to use his masculinity and sex drive to honor his wife rather than hurt her. I want to teach him that he can use his sexual energies as a springboard to take care of his future family. That he can use his desire to remind him why he works so hard and to spend his energies on only his wife. I want him to know that God created sex in all kinds of various forms and positions and that he and his wife have the freedom to partake of one another in whatever ways that make them comfortable provided that they aren’t bringing others into their relationship with them.

4. Consent

Consent is more than a quick yes. It’s a continual checking in at every step along the way. Even on the honeymoon. Once married, consent is still necessary, though it looks a little different. Married people have more of a right to one another than when you’re unmarried, but a gentleman doesn’t just “take what’s his.” I want him to know, even now when he’s seven, that you have to check in with friends if you change the game you’re playing or if you don’t feel comfortable playing anymore.

5. Sex doesn’t make him a man

I want him to know that he can say no and still be masculine. He’s no less a man for saying he’s not ready or doesn’t want to. In fact, he’s more masculine for standing up for himself and stating his alternate need. Having sex because his buddies think he should isn’t wise and doing it because the other person thinks it’s time isn’t okay either. Sex must be consensual.

Having the sex talk is also more than just a single talk. It should be a continual, open discussion. I have to be willing to accept that he may make choices that I don’t agree with when he’s older. I have to be willing to trust my son, because he’s earned it, and support him even through his mistakes.I hope my son continues forward into his adult life living with the faith that my wife and I have instilled in him. I hope he takes our conversations to heart and lets our Christian hope propel him. He’s going to be his own man one day though, and I will promise him often that I’ll respect and honor his choices…and probably offer advice forever.

__
Photo credit: Getty Images