John Cave Osborne wonders if censoring his daughter’s access to pop music is the right thing to do.
My daughter, Pookie, may never win a penmanship award, but that doesn’t detract from the beauty of her writing. Lately she’s taken to leaving her mother and me notes, usually in the kitchen, to prohibit us from various sweets she’s classified as hers and hers only. Whenever I run across one of her communiqués, I know I’m in for a real treat, even if the note’s purpose is to prevent me from having one.
Accordingly, I was tickled when I found one of her sloppily-written notes the other night. But my delight quickly disappeared as I read the downward-tilting and crooked scribblings. It was the lyrics to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls”—more specifically, Snoop Dogg’s part.
Color me old school, but no 9-year-old girl should ever write “all that ass, hangin’ out.” Ever.
Lately Pookie has been asking me to download various (and morally questionable) songs on her iPod, “California Gurls” among them. Maybe I’m a prude, but I’ve found it difficult to give my ponytail-sporting daughter unfettered access to tunes like Jeremiah’s “Birthday Sex.” So I’ve been putting her off.
But truth be told, I’m split down the middle. On one hand, many of today’s popular songs contain lyrics dripping with age-inappropriate themes. And while I realize that Pook probably isn’t catching the double entendre when Perry belts out “Sun-kissed skin so hot / we’ll melt your popsicle,” I’d still rather she not be exposed to veiled fellatio references (or is it coitus?), thank you very much. Hell, I’m having a hard enough time with her John Stamos obsession. (Damn you, Nickelodeon.)
On the other hand, songs containing sexually explicit themes, misogynistic lyrics, and drug references are hardly new. My very first favorite song was “Chevy Van” by Sammy Johns. The premise? Sammy is driving around in his Chevy van when he stops to pick up some random hitch-hiking chick, who naps innocently for a bit in his front seat. Upon awakening she grabs the singer “by the hand” and next thing you know, ol’ Sammy is banging this nomadic nympho in the back of his (presumably disgusting) vehicle. Hardly an appropriate song for a 5-year-old to know by heart—yet I turned out OK, right? … Right?
Just as I was during the ’70s, Pookie’s getting plenty of exposure to today’s pop culture regardless of what I do. Her biological dad’s girlfriend has much older children. Each time she returns from his house, she has learned something new, most likely from one of those older kids she idolizes. Not that I’m blaming her dad (or his girlfriend) at all. I was the youngest of five, so I get it. (You think I discovered “Chevy Van” all by myself?) So if Pookie’s gonna stumble upon the very things I’m trying to shield her from in the first place, why even bother?
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The other day, I read a wonderful post by Jason Falls. His topic was a controversial one: the proposed 13-story Manhattan Islamic community center two blocks from Ground Zero. Jason’s take was as succinct as it was clear. “Religious zealots,” he writes, “are to blame for the events of Sept. 11, 2001. … Religious zealots were to blame for the events of Nov. 18, 1978. … Blaming 9/11 on Muslims is like blaming Jonestown on Methodists. You’re generalizing and stereotyping and dividing our country. And you’re helping the cause not of Muslims, but of the extremists.”
I agree. The day our country decides where various places of worship belong and where they don’t will be a sad one. For that will mean our government has imposed the power of censorship on its citizens, thus rendering the first amendment—the right to gather and convene, as well as freedom of speech—impotent. And I don’t mean to get all John Milton on you, but his appeal to Parliament in 1644 to rescind government-sanctioned censorship, Areopagitica, is widely regarded as the best argument ever made against censorship of any kind. I was required to read excerpts from it in high school. It struck a chord with me then, and it still strikes a chord with me now.
So given that I’m all about freedom of speech, I can’t help but wonder why I’m all undone about a few age-inappropriate lyrics my 9-year-old probably doesn’t even understand yet.
It’s true I don’t want my little girl to grow up mistaking misogynistic sentiments as healthy ones. I don’t want her goal in life to be a sought-after piece of scantily-clad ass. I don’t want her to aspire to be the momentary apple of someone like Snoop Dogg’s eye when, in “California Gurls,” he raps, “Kiss her, touch her, squeeze her buns.” (By the way, Snoop, buns? Really?)
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So what should I do? Pull a Tipper Gore and censor everything my daughter listens to? Even though I know she’ll easily gain access to it regardless of my efforts? Thanks to the Internet, she’s mere keystrokes away from pulling up any number of vulgar things, no matter how many safety features we employ on our computer.
So, censorship? No. If I object to it in Manhattan, why should I employ it in my home? I would rather allow my daughter access to the media she’s hell-bent on accessing anyway. Will I keep my eye on her? You bet. Will I impose limits on her? Of course. But censor her? No. Instead I’ll have to have faith and trust that the strength of our family, coupled with the direction it provides, will be sufficient enough to preclude Pookie from the mis-wired legions of her generation, who’ll eventually get swept away in a sea of pop-culture superficiality. I’ll stay as plugged-in as I can to the things she likes, enough, at least, to enable me to chime in with my two cents each time the opportunity presents itself.
By doing so, I’ll be a bigger part of her life than I would be if I were to simply deny her access to anything that doesn’t completely jive with the values I hope she’ll one day embrace. By doing so, I’ll be better attuned to her and the issues she’ll face as she creeps ever closer toward adolescence. By doing so, I’ll likely be able to keep an even closer eye on her as she won’t be forced to go behind my back to sneak a forbidden cookie from the jar.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some songs to download. And while I’m not necessarily thrilled about it, at least there’s a silver lining: none of them are sung by Justin Bieber. That kid gives me the creeps.
While reading this, I flashed back to they way my parents handled me growing up. There were some movies that were off limits, but it wasn’t a big deal, they just simply weren’t on. Drinking was never a big deal because they didn’t make it one and so later in life I never had an interest. Subjects were not taboo because they knew it was out there in the world and if they did not discuss with me, someone else would and they may not be ok with that person’s answer. Though there were times I definitely listened to risque’… Read more »
I don’t for the most part limit my daughter. When she was younger she’d often ask me if she could stay up til’ midnight. My usual response “If you think you can, go for it.” As she’s gotten older I have placed a few limits – I don’t allow her to dress like a bratz doll, I veto friends that have gotten her into trouble, and will veto some songs I think are completely inappropriate for an 8, 9, or 11 year old to listen to. Likewise, I will refrain from answering some questions she has asked because of the… Read more »
jack — that’d obviously be grounds for censorship. but really and truly, my ire on lame kitten has mellowed. i’m on the big orange dooley, baby…
I want to know what happens if she starts singing the USC fight song. 😉
@bratati — i loved this line — you can baby proof the house, but you can’t baby proof the world. and, obviously, i agree w/ you.
My daughter is 16 (Junior at Webb). Through her childhood I have exposed her to a variety of “questionable” music and books. I say “questionable” primarily because I faced criticism from others. Recognizing that her world was not controlled entirely by me, I felt it was important that she recognize the difference between fact and fiction. Also, quite frankly, I wanted to listen to my own music from time to time and not just kiddie tunes. It started early with “Goodbye Earl” by the Dixie Chicks. “This is a great song, but killing someone because they hurt you is not… Read more »
If Ice-T still rapped, he’d give you a big ol’ “F*ck You” like he did Tipper Gore back in the day. Will I be invited to your family book burnin’ too? I have a dog-eared copy of “The Catcher in the Rye” for ya.
um, i don’t censor. so he’d give me a big ol’ F*ck Yeah!” right?
like most great minds, holden caulfield was misunderstood.
You do it because you’re her parent. You are NOT the parent of someone who wants to build a community Center near Ground Zero. You ARE the parent of a particular 9 year old girl. One guy, two jobs. When someone says “There’s no point in trying to do X, because someone else will show them, they’ll get around it, etc.” I hear “I don’t want to be the uncool one. I want to be the FUN one.” It’s just laziness. Part of our responsibility is setting limits. If what you feel is that it’s inappropriate, say, “That music is… Read more »
@brooke — your opinions are as strong as they are well articulated. but when it comes to what i’ve written, you’re dead wrong, my friend. my daughter knows full well how i feel about all the lyrics to the questionable songs she listens to. we discuss them at length. same thing with videos. but unless it’s porn, i’m sorry, i’m not gonna censor. i’m gonna discuss. you seem to mistake me for a dad dying to be cool and scared to say no. let me assure you of this — my daughter thinks i’m about as cool as cancer. and… Read more »
I’m sorry it sounds like that. The fact that this page refreshes every 30 seconds & dumped my response 3 times has me typing faster than my empathy travels, probably. I completely respect your right to decide to let your child listen to whatever, but I’m not convinced by your reasoning. I don’t see a problem with outright forbidding something we think is wrong, or restricting access to something we think is wrong now, and saying it is something older people have access to. As a reader it looks to me as if you’ve come at this from a generally… Read more »
cool. just don’t mistake me for someone who doesn’t say no.
and i don’t know your scenario, but blended families / children w/ two homes? it’s very tough. this was originally posted on my personal blog.
but i hear you, brooke. thanks for your reply!
Forgive me but I hadn’t picked up on the fellatio reference in that song until reading it here. Maybe as a 60 year old Dad with 12 year old girl / boy twins I’m way removed from the loop. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to control / filter and I’ve now resorted to shutting down all internet access either from home or their cell phones. I know that’s not a good solution, but it’s better than letting them follow the Mae West philosophy of “Anything worth doing is worth doing to excess.” and I do get the implications behind that quote. 😉
it’s a difficult fight, no? when my trips are twelve, i won’t quite be 60, but i will be over 50, so i feel your pain, my friend. ty for reading.
As usual, well done on this topic my friend. I’m in the same boat. I grew up with little to no restrictions when it came to TV and music. I remember being 10 or 11 and belting out the lyrics to Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.” I didn’t know what any of it meant, but I knew my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun. Thankfully my parents told me they were giving me a grown up privilege and expected me not to repeat or emulate the things I heard/saw in public. And for the most part, I… Read more »
heat for this? from whom? folks like brooke? LOL.
there are no right answers. all we can do is our best.
but the arguments that are stitched together with threads of anger? they often belong to people who demand respect, yet refuse to give it.
me? i’m good w/ all different types of folks/philosophies. what i wrote up there? it’s how i feel. and even if you felt the exact opposite way, i’d be A-OK with that.
Glad I could inspire a little piece of this. And I’ve always wanted to be mentioned in the same post with Snoop Dogg. Though certainly not what I had in mind. Heh.
Stay strong for your daughter and communicate about it as she gets older. All we can do is explain and help them understand. And with a two-year-old one myself (as well as a five-year-old boy), I’m right there with ya, bro.
amen, jason. well said.