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Shawn Henfling is tired of people calling every dad with his kids a babysitter.
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I haven’t babysat my children in almost ten years. I won’t. Babysitting isn’t my responsibility. I’m their step dad, not some sixteen year old girl making 9 dollars an hour. My job is to work and provide for them in every way. I simply refuse to spend a few hours every week in some misguided effort to spend “quality time” with my kids. Screw that and screw everyone who believes otherwise. I will not conform to the accepted societal notion of what fatherhood is supposed to look like. I’m not some bungling idiot who cannot be trusted to do the laundry, cook a meal or change a diaper. Ok, so I wouldn’t trust me to change a diaper, but that is irrelevant to the conversation.
No father should ever be labeled a babysitter. Collectively we are better than that, better than some misguided notion of fatherhood. We, single dads, step dads, adopted dads, and biological dads are all just one thing: dads. I haven’t babysat in so long because I started being a parent instead of some place holder only necessary when mom isn’t around. We get a pretty bum rap in public and in the media. Somehow, a dad actually being a dad gets looked at as some kind of aberration.
Dads are just big kids that need to be kept in check by their more responsible and mature wives.
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Traditional notions of fatherhood and masculinity have left parenting to the moms. Dads are relegated to the sidelines, pushed into the fringes with responsibilities that have not changed as society has evolved. Fifty years ago, we were the disciplinarians and the bread winners. Now the media portrays us as fools and idiots, unfit for the simplest of tasks. Dads are just big kids that need to be kept in check by their more responsible and mature wives. We are more than we are made to appear.
The other day a dad came into our store with his kids in tow. His kids were well behaved and quiet, despite us being the kind of store little boys (and big boys) go nuts over. A coworker, who knew the man, greeted him with “So, you’re babysitting today huh.” I know I winced and I could see the comment stung the man. It wasn’t only that the comment was painful, but that it came from another dad only added to the burn. I know he meant nothing by it, but the comment was unwarranted nonetheless.
If a man smiles at a child in public, he’s assumed to be a danger.
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The notion of dads taking active roles in the lives of their children has become so foreign that many look upon them with suspicion when they witness it. When women take their children to the park, nobody bats an eye. If a dad sits on the bench to watch his kids play, people eye him with suspicion and watch their own children a little more closely. If a man smiles at a child in public, he’s assumed to be a danger. I’ve personally been glared at as I wave to small children even in the company of my own. We are conditioned to see every male with an interest in children as suspicious and dangerous.
There is an uprising, a change happening before our very eyes. Dads are moving from the shadows into the light in a tremendous movement. People like Oren Miller, who recently passed from cancer, have inspired fathers everywhere to take charge in bringing about change. Us dads, the ones who make an effort, are more than just putting in our quality time. We are active participants in the lives of our children and deserve to be treated as such. Our voices need to be heard and our faces seen. We are not babysitters. We are not just filling in for mom while she’s busy. We are parents and deserve to be treated as such.
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You make some good, obvious points about parenting. However, when you delve into complaining about how fathers with their children are regarded, it made me think of the complaints women had in the 1950s and 1960s. Not complaints about their mothering skills, but about their skills/abilities in the workplace. They were regarded with open hostility and suspicion, told they belonged home with the kids, that they couldn’t do paying jobs as well as men could. Now, here’s a young man complaining about how he’s treated/perceived as a parent. Wow, we’ve sure come full circle. And women still have trouble getting… Read more »
Thinking about it, for parents, ‘babysitting the kids’ is just another way to say ‘spending time with the kids’.
Well done, I have said for years and have corrected people for years. Dad’s do not babysit their own children, they parent .
You wouldn’t say I’m going to stay home and “parent” my children today and if you do you are someone that is a little to pretentious for me. My point is that this babysitting argument is semantics. Much like the standing “on” line vs “in”line argument. I am not saying that it is a chore to “babysit” when I refer to it in this manner, I am merely stating that this is the task that I am doing. Much like someone who cleans houses for a living will still refer to cleaning their house as house cleaning. I am sick… Read more »
My ex-wife had many mental issues after our twin son’s were born. I had to step up and be the primary parent for my boys, especially after the boy’s turned 3 and we divorced. I got full custody and never had any regret over devoting myself to my boy’s. They are 25 years old, well adjusted, and becoming successful in their chosen professions. I experienced the same type of discrimination and harsh comments when I took my little fella’s anywhere, the comments made me feel that I was secondary to their absent mother who people felt was the reason they… Read more »
At the title I was like wha? Then reading the article he is totally not wrong. Dads get a really bad rap. I wouldnt call it babysitting to spend time with your kids though. I dont see anything wrong with spending time with your kids while your wife needs some time…especially if shes around the kids 24/7. I guess if its such a problem with a dad they could hire a babysitter but its hard to trust anyone anymore with your kids. I agree wholeheartedly though with his reasoning. I can understand his perspective.
See what happened! I pressed “reply” before I proofed my own email address. My bad!
Great article. Should you ever need an editor/proofreader in the future, I am available.
The word ” abhorration” was not in my dictionary. I believe you meant “aberration.”
Yeah….I have no idea how I missed that. Ugh. I know better.
Hi, Shawn, Thank you so much for your article! I entirely agree men are portrayed as inept and clueless in the United State on television shows, in movies, commercials, and even by newscasters. If a man described any woman in public, using the same words, anyone around would have loud, angry objections. I hope this trend is over soon, I think it started about 20 years ago – it is stale, prejudicial and an incredible injustice to men and boys. Men I knew who wanted to teach elementary school age switched to teach high school because of their concern that… Read more »
That is such a good point. And guys play into it too. It ranks right up there with guys getting a hall pass and being allowed to go out with the boys. I went to pick up my oldest boy at soccer practice one day and they were still doing shooting drills so I wandered over to the goal to watch the shots. one of the mothers along the sidelines broke away from the pack and wandered on over to ask what I was doing there. Did I have a kid on the team? When I told her who I… Read more »
You are what you allow yourself to be. If you feel relegated to a role you don’t like then be a father, not a “babysitter”. Good for you! Fathers do it differently than mothers. Good! Dinner fathers feel they are being asked to babysit and don’t want the responsibility.
Thank you! I have always cringed when hear someone refer to a father taking care of their kids as a baby sitter! It’s so dismissive of the quality time that fathers give their children and suggests something negative about the mothers as well. Like she should be tethered to her kids 24/7 and leaving the kids with their dad is somehow lesser care.
Right on!! I love this. I have especially noticed this with kids tv shows. The fathers are always made out to look like some kind of fool. It drives me nuts.
It really bothers me when men refer to taking care of their children as babysitting. Babysitting is what the 16 year old girl does for 9 dollars an hour.
So, what would you call it when you are with your children when your wife needs to go somewhere, and vice versa? Our children are too young to be left alone, so my wife and I always discuss who needs to watch the kids, and sometimes we say “babysit” instead of “watch.” Neither of us get annoyed by it because we are comfortable with our roles in the coparenting of our children. Men (and everyone else, for that matter) need to stop being annoyed by what others think. If they are uncomfortable with their roles in the parenting of their… Read more »
I am blessed that in the 20+ years my husband has been a dad, he has never babysat our children and has been a great playmate and pal with our children and the numerous others that he was volentold to keep when the ladies would have a girls night out or a shopping day (I have fond memories of leaving my husband with our children and a few more and coming home to junk food bingo being played and a few more children from the block would have joined in to try to win the snickers bar or m&ms being… Read more »
When my son was born, I was the one who taught my wife how to change diapers. I fed him, changed him, bathed him, and took care of him when he was sick. One day when he was about a year old I came downstairs and found a scribbled fathers day card from him, and underneath was a note saying that my wife wanted a divorce, because we were having problems. But she would let me see him every other weekend. I had to fight for my son. and when the dust settled, I had legal custody. All i have… Read more »
To each his own, sport. When I have my spare time from my work or providing for the family, as you call it, I enjoy my quality time babysitting my daughter. I take every chance I get while she’s still cuddly and cute. Years pass by so fast. You’ll miss the chance when she starts being “independent”. At least, I have something to reminisce.
Ed,
I think you completely misconstrued the entire article. While parts may have been facetious and sarcastic responses to previous notions of fatherhood, the jist was this: I’m a parent, not a babysitter. Mom’s don’t babysit and neither do I. I’m simply there for my children.
This is really good point to make. As a mother I have alway cringed when I heard men refer to watching their children as babysitting. The point is so true when I am out running errands the odd time without my kids. Because I live in a small town store clerks literally ask me where my kids are. Growing up my Mom always worked weekends so my Dad and I always did grocery shopping together on saturdays. Funny thing is I never thought my Dad was babysitting me, we were doing our weekly routine of spending time together while my… Read more »
That is correct; parents can’t babysit there own children. A babysitter is able to end there babysitting and return to their own home, a parent can not leave home away from their children. A parent does not babysit they raise children.
Would you say that on Saturday while your partner is away you stay home “raising your children”? I wouldn’t, it sounds like I have a stick in my rear-end. I would say that I am babysitting, which implies that I am home spending time with my children, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, doing crafts, putting them down for naps, reading to them, playing with, wrestling with, and enjoying time with them. I feel that the only issue with the term “babysit” is that you associate it with something a 13 year old girl does, while I associate it… Read more »