I struggled with how to write this, but I feel I must.
There are children suffering abuse at the hands of their caretakers now, and these children cannot speak for themselves. With COVID-19 shelter in place in effect, domestic violence has surged, and the thought of it makes my heart ache.
“As a matter of fact I had a terribly traumatic childhood. But afterward I sort of reraised myself.” ― Michael Gruber
I speak from experience.
Growing up, my narcissistic, controlling father abused my mother and their three children viciously and violently for decades (see my childhood here if you are interested). My siblings and I suffered not only directly at the hands of my father, but we also had to bear witness to our mother’s and our siblings’ abuse.
As a result, to this day, my siblings and I suffer from Complex PTSD.
Throughout our childhood, my mother made us believe that the only reason she is not leaving our father is for our sake.
“If I leave,” she said, “the law will grant custody to your father.”
From time to time, she would suggest that we commit suicide together, again for our sake. “If I die,” she said, “your father will remarry, and your stepmother will abuse you.”
She told anyone who would listen that my father is a monster, and he ruined her life. She wanted people to know how much she suffered and that she is the victim.
She lived for the “poor thing” people threw her way — the attention made her come alive.
From time to time, if we did something she didn’t like, she will call the monster home to beat us. If things get out of hand, she would open the door, so we can run for our lives.
She also iced our bruises after a beating.
“It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.” ― Aisha Mirza
I didn’t realize it then, but my mom created the perfect environment for us to trauma bond with her.
Because she was good to us most of the time, and much her abuse is emotional, it took us kids a long time to see the damage she did to us.
In my late twenties, my mother asked me to help her immigrate to the United States. By that time, all her children had moved out years ago.
I agreed but asked that she divorce my father first. I did not want the monster to immigrate to the United States through family-based immigration.
I remember her response like it was yesterday. “I can’t do that,” she said, “Your father will find someone right away, but I will be all alone.”
“The person portrayed and the portrait are two entirely different things.” ― Jose Ortega Y. Gasset
Until that point, a part of me still wanted to believe that her staying with the monster was for us. Now I know, without a shadow of a doubt, her reason for staying was for only for herself.
She was and still is, infatuated with the monster.
I also found out that she never reported abuses to the police or discussed separation options with a lawyer; She never took even the smallest step to get us out of harm’s way.
She would rather sacrifice her children’s safety to stay with my father.
My parents are the classic tale of two low self-esteem people involved in the codependency dance. They don’t believe they are unlovable, so they feel the need to manipulate people into staying — my father overtly through violence and domination, and my mother covertly through guilt-tripping and victimhood.
“But that’s the thing about narcissists. They can try to fool you, with all their heart, but in the end, they’re just fooling themselves.” ― Ellie Fox
There are reasons behind every human behavior. People stay in abusive relationships because there is a payoff; Usually, it is to satisfy an emotional or financial dependency on the abuser, sometimes both.
By waving the victim flag, my mother cleverly satisfied her narcissistic need for attention, while simultaneously relieving herself the duty to protect her children.
Children raised by abusive parents feel a deep sense of betrayal, and we harbor deep resentments towards our parents.
“I could never hurt him enough to make his betrayal stop hurting. And it hurts, in every part of my body.” ― Veronica Roth
We see our parents for the selfish cowards that they are, and our lack of respect for them renders any healthy relationship impossible.
In my case, all three of us cut ties with our parents.
If someone prefers to stay with an abuser, this person is exercising their right to live as they choose. However, if children are involved, they become an accomplice to the abuse of their children if they did not fight to protect their children.
I understand that leaving the abuser is not the optimal solution in all scenarios. For example, when the legal system fails and grants the abuser custody in a divorce, a parent may choose to stay to protect their children full time.
My point is not to advocate that leaving is the preferred way, though it often is, but that as parents, we must do everything we can to protect our children.
Children are the real victims caught in the middle; Children did not choose their parents, and they cannot leave. And like prisoners of war, they are helpless to defend themselves.
“Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave even if you stumble a little on your way out the door.“ ― Unknown
If you have children and you are in an abusive relationship, do whatever you need to do to get your children to safety.
Children by design love their parents, and if you correct the situation early enough, they will forgive you.
Had my mother tried her best and failed, we would still admire her for her courage, and we would love her as our mother. Instead, we all left her.
She now lives alone with the monster.
If you know someone that needs to hear this message, please share. Give our children a voice.
PS. For more discussions, join me on Facebook at “ Healing from Childhood Trauma. “
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Tadeusz Lakota on Unsplash