We have buttons that, if pushed, set us off, and for most us, our adult lives are spent learning to control our reactions to those buttons.
—
What happens when you’ve been awake all night with a crying baby? What happens when you’re so exhausted that your coping mechanisms don’t work anymore?
It’s a question that my wife and I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to answer.
When my wife becomes exhausted, she gets depressed. The world is stepping on her throat, leaving her barely enough air to breathe. When I’m severely sleep deprived, I get angry. Everything pisses me off. Put two people like that together in a room with a toddler throwing one fit after another and a baby crying through his new teeth, and you get a toxic environment.
At one point, I was washing breakfast dishes, and my son was yanking things off the counter and throwing them. “Please stop,” I said, and he threw my wallet, then the keys, then a plastic plate. He kept reaching for things on the counter, breakables like glassware and plates. When I pushed them out of reach, he kicked the dishwasher. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. Then he kicked me.
In almost every case, the real culprit behind the fight was that one (or both) of us was too wiped out from lack of sleep to have a conversation about what was bothering the other person—and so that person got mad.
|
As parents, we almost never talk about moments like these. Or, if we do, we turn them into a joke. A dad hauls his screaming, biting kid off of a playground, and afterward, when everyone has calmed down, the dad chuckles and says, “Boy, I almost killed that stupid kid.” We laugh because the truth is often not publicly acceptable. Every parent will, at some point, flip out on a kid. When this happens, you feel a level of disgrace and self-hate so complete and all-consuming that you can’t bear to face it. You can’t talk about it, not only because you’re ashamed but also because such things are not socially acceptable. It’s not okay to lose control. Not ever. And yet it happens to everyone.
When my son kicked me, I lost it. I whirled around and hit him on the butt. It wasn’t a spanking because I wasn’t trying to modify behavior. I wasn’t thinking at all. My brain had been leveled by fatigue and frustration: hit me and I’ll hit you back. Only some inner moral compass, some instinctual restraint, prevented me from hitting him again and again. Instead, I got down so that I could look him in the eye. Then I started screaming.
“Why can’t you be nice? Why are you so bad?”
I noticed the living room window was open, but I kept going, begging my two-and-a-half year old son to tell me: why couldn’t he just behave? His answer was to shriek uncontrollably, and so I shrieked right back at him with one eye on the window and the sidewalk beyond. It’s a strange experience to listen to yourself as a stranger might and think, “Who is this maniac? Why won’t he stop acting that way?”
If someone had walked past two minutes later, they would have seen me sitting on the floor with my head in my hands, and my son beating his fists on my knees. For the next few weeks, he’d hit my wife and say, “Dad does it.”
♦◊♦
One night, I came home late because I’d taught a night class after working all day at my job. During the last two minutes of class, my phone began to buzz in my pocket. When I finally got out to the car, I found a screaming, incoherent voicemail from my wife about how she couldn’t take anymore. Our second child, a 2-month-old baby, had apparently cried all day long. When I walked in the door, my wife looked like someone from a drunk-and-disorderly arrest photo. So I decided to man up. No matter how tired I got or how much our son cried, I wouldn’t wake my wife. It was an adventure, I told myself, like hiking to the South Pole.
I almost believed it.
That’s the night our son did not go ten minutes without crying. When our older son woke up around five in the morning, I must have looked insane because my wife immediately took the baby, and I took his brother outside to push him on the swing in the starless dark. The world was utterly quiet except for the creaking of the chains in the tree and my son’s whining to go back into the house. I didn’t have the patience for it. But here’s the bizarre thing: I didn’t get mad at him. I got mad at my wife. I resented her. I didn’t know what was going on inside the house with our baby, but here I was in the front yard at 5:00 in the morning, so tired that I could barely remain standing. And so I thought, “Why can’t my wife do her part? Because I’m doing my part, I’m doing all that I can and more, so if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s hers.”
It’s a deranged way to think about a person I love.
Since we’ve had children, my wife and I have had a few really awful fights, the sort that climax in screaming and throwing keys across the yard and threatening to stay the night in a hotel. In almost every case, the real culprit behind the fight was that one (or both) of us was too wiped out from lack of sleep to have a conversation about what was bothering the other person—and so that person got mad. Things spiraled from there.
We’ve learned to communicate better, not to have big conversations late at night and first thing in the morning—when we’re both bleary-eyed and inarticulate. We’ve even joined a self-help group for parents. We’re learning new coping mechanisms, and they’re working. I wish that someone had told us to do these things before we had kids. Maybe we wouldn’t have listened. But it’s also possible that we could have saved ourselves a lot of tears and frustration if we’d just known how to help ourselves.
—
Photo: wsilver/Flickr
Great article, As the father of a newborn It is terrifying to think that I could harm him or lose my temper with him, but already I can find myself attributing bad ‘intent’ to his crying when I’m most tired. My logical mind knows this to be rubbish, but the primitive part of my brain reacts as if it were under attack.
Adam, that’s it exactly. You know, logically, that your baby is just doing what babies do. But when we’re tired, we don’t think straight. What I’ve learned, and I keep learning and reminding myself, is that, when I’m feeling most frustrated, if I just take a deep breath and count to ten, most of the time I’ll calm down enough to deal with the situation. Of course, I still lose my temper. Everyone does. And that’s partly why I wrote this, to take some of the pressure off. Nobody acts perfectly all the time. But expecting that you will just… Read more »
Michael, thanks for writing this. Yesterday, I got mad at my son because he wouldn’t stand up while I was trying to get his pants on, so I yelled “Teddy! Stand up!” in an angry voice. He ran and hid, and when I saw his little face, I was so ashamed. Other times, I have lost it and felt that he deserved my rage, as he was being such a jerk! I have definitely yelled at him, “You’re being mean to me!” which means absolutely nothing to him, as an 18 month old, but I was at the end of… Read more »
This is not encouraging me to have children, when behavior like this and sleeplessness for months, even years, is just considered something new parents have to endure.
It probably does seem scary, Turner. I actually had panic attacks before our first son was born. Yes, having a baby presents challenges you’ve never faced before. It can be difficult. But the good parts of having children are so very rewarding and more than make up for the hard parts. In short, if you want to have children, don’t let horror stories from people like me scare you off!
When I first got my puppy, he did the howling of missing the mother dog. All night for a few days, that first day I was in tears in a panic attack thinking I made a mistake, that I had to give soooo much energy, all of my free time to this being. It scared the hell out of me, I couldn’t imagine how much worse it’d be with an actual child. Problem for me is my health aint too great so I don’t have the energy to look after another at such a high level. Luckily the dog got… Read more »
Michael, thanks for article. It’s always a good idea to open the door to what really happens at home and not just what we put forward as a public front. I’m discouraged to read that you support spanking. Regardless of what you “think” redirecting childred with terror or fear bears long term (often unintended) consequences. There is plenty of good social science to back this up. As a former family support worker I can tell you that this is a very very difficult concept to teach. Because spanking is extremely effective at establishing control in the short term. And absolute… Read more »
Audrey, I think I qualified my statement about spanking quite a bit. I did not say that it causes no harm. I do not spank my kids, and none of the parents I know personally spank their kids, either.
Trut, I truly do hope that you are joking. My husband Michael wrote this essay and paints an honest picture of our life as co-parents. We are stay-at-home PARENTS with full-time jobs. We teach at the same university and our flexible schedule affords us both a lot of time with our children. This is a situation that we’ve re-examined, but time and time again, we’ve come to the conclusion that we both need to work and we both need to parent.
If your kid is hitting you and doesn’t respond to other methods, then a good swift slap on the ass is definitely warranted. The sharp shock of the pain will teach them that their behaviour is unacceptable, it’ll use the primal brain to teach them that do that and you get hurt just like touching fire hurts!
You have your job, which feeds, clothes and houses your wife. Why can’t she do hers – raising kids that she obviously wanted at one point? Such a lazy, ungrateful stay at home mom….like they all are.
I have to ask because I’m often confounded by people’s online comment: you’re joking about the stay at home mom thing Trut correct? Yes, it’s a stay at home mom’s job to care for the kids during the day, but it doesn’t meant the dad is off the hook, and it doesn’t mean it’s easy and that she is lazy. I don’t have kids, but I am a teacher. I now teach university, but I use to teach the little one and let me tell you they can suck your soul out. When my day was over, was I happy… Read more »
I can only assume that this was written as a joke.
Trut, that is a very insulting thing to say. It sounds like you are stuck in the 50’s. Stay at home moms are not lazy and ungrateful. I hope you are not married.
Wow, I know exactly what you mean. I’ve exploded at my kids, so has my husband. It always leaves me feeling so hopeless, and afraid for what will happen when they’re teenagers. Right now, they don’t know they’re pushing my buttons. What will happen when they’re TRYING to push my buttons? I remember doing it to my mom, so I know they’ll do it to me… I just have to keep on trying to stay cool and watch myself; try to head off the situations I know are likely to lead to a meltdown of either kid or parent. I’m… Read more »
When I questioned how people did it in the old days with large families, I was more so referring to the children as being small. I was the youngest of 7 so I had no clue as to how my parents handled small kids in that my next oldest brother was 5 years older. Valter, I agree with you. My wife and I used a slap on the hand, a swat on the behind for situations that were extreme like trying to play with a light socket … that’s a very very bad thing. I’m sure I was spanked but… Read more »
Thank you. I truly believe this article has saved me a lot of heartache and worrying. The most unhelpful thing about feeling like you are a failure and responsible for your child’s behaviour because you loose it occasionally. Also the internet has given us a great resource for people to write articles like these which help so much, but I guarantee that if you look at most places about feeling like this 90% of people will write hateful hurtful things if you even talk about thinking bad thoughts. These are representative of genuine things I have seen written down “How… Read more »
Everyone as a parent comes to this point where he or she wants to hurt his child because of being exhausted so much. But talking with other parents shows that I am not alone with this problem. Sometimes the stories of their children are almost the same like mine. That makes me believe that I am not alone. I just feel alone because family structures are so small today. For me the hardest thing in being a parent is to be consequent. These little guys recognize every uncertainty, every hesitation. And they are putting their fingers on that. And even… Read more »
I am a single mother to 5 children, my husband left us a year ago. I have read these posts with interest. It is true that years ago the community and extended family helped to raise the children. There were 6 people for every 1 child. I often think of that now, I am doing the job of 30 people. There is a huge strain on parents these days to be “good parents”, I think that sometimes parents view their children’s behaviour as a measuring stick f’or how well they are doing as a parent. It doesn’t work because what… Read more »
I’m reading this at 1 AM as my son thrashes his head back and forth for no discernible reason. Ergh.
Sometimes it feels like slipping into a resigned despondency would be the best thing for me to do – like everyone around me will be safer if I just try pretty hard not to react to ANY stimulus, so I can definitely avoid reacting violently.
Seems dangerous too, unfortunately.
Thanks!
In this discussion, it seems to me one element is lacking: parents need to teach their children limits. Be it with voice, attitude, slapping or punitions, the child MUST learn he cannot do whatever he wants. Otherwise, not only he’ll become a dictator over the parents; he won’t learn to correctly behave in society – he’ll tend to become a narcissistic sociopath. I know it’s really hard, yet it has to be done – or else. The recent epidemic of narcissistic behavior comes (at least in part) from parents who never posed hard limits to their children. You know, the… Read more »
Valter, I agree that it’s important to set limits. But to suggest that the only way to do this is an authoritarian parenting style overlooks the drawbacks to that style. But even if you do use that style, if, for instance, you spank your children, your children are still going to push boundaries. I got spanked a lot, and I still pushed back. It’s what children do. And my parents got really frustrated and tore out their hair. Part of our problem as parents is that we want to solve every “bad” experience. As a result, there is a lack… Read more »
Michael, I said “authority”, not “authoritarian”; 🙂 although the two are related, they’re not the same thing. When in a family there’s a well defined authority figure, children usually respect that. It’s like with dogs: 😉 when there’s an alpha dog or a firm master, other dogs comply. In other words, in every “society” (be it small or large), someone has to be in charge, has to be the “boss”; otherwise, it’s chaos. In a family, either the parent(s) is the boss, or the child will happily become one; his power hunger isn’t bound by a super-ego yet. I didn’t… Read more »
Valter, I think you are having a different discussion. This blog as I read it is not about “the right way to parent” it’s about how parenting affects parents and their relationships to each other.
Veronica, I disagree. As far as I get it, this post is about how difficult is managing stressful children. You can talk about the experience, and/or about possible solutions. I did the latter, offering a suggestion and a source of discussion. I know it’s not PC saying that there are “better” and “worse” way of parenting (I don’t believe in “right” or “wrong”). Yet, IMO when an ineffective (“worse”) way of parenting makes you desire to kill your children 😉 a “better” way is much needed. 🙂 After all, nobody is born a parent; we all keep learning along the… Read more »
It is hard to be new parents, but even harder in a nuclear family. I was fortunate to raise my children in a multi-generational family. When my kids were baby’s and then toddlers and then children I cared for grandparents. It might not sound like caring for elders made child rearing easier but it was enormously helpful to hand my baby to Gramie while I got a load of wash started and prepared dinner or when Fader would read to my toddler while I washed dishes. I used a cloth diaper service for my son and his great-grandfather! 🙂 As… Read more »
Elizabeth, I’m in awe of everything you just wrote, not just the fact that you cared for both babies and elderly parents at the same time but your amazingly patient and grateful attitude about it.
You are very kind. I was very grateful to be home with my kids and to care for my grandparents. I’m planning on doing the same for my mom, their daughter. Separate Senior Housing is only a relatively recent social construct in America. Generational households have social, economic and emotional advantages that get disregarded in the perception of adulthood being leaving the family of origin. I’m not saying it’s easy. Gramie was not a very nice person… It was a complicated and difficult love for my last remaining grandparent. And my divorce two years ago has made clear the economic… Read more »
Elizabeth, you represent what many families used to in that generations would live close by if not in the same household and took care of one another. You are a great example for families.
I too think the multi-generational family unit could be a great help. My oldest is 38, my youngest 28…I was a stay home mom until my divorce when my youngest was 4…I think if I had had a parent or grandparent in the home with me it would have removed the stress placed on my oldest son to help parent his siblings. He does not want children and does not have a close relationship with any of his siblings, 2 brothers and a a sister. I take responsibility for this fracture because I was a selfish woman that wanted to… Read more »
You guys are lucky these days, you have outlets to help. 27 years ago when my daughter was born, we didn’t have the resources other then our own parents to guide us. Unfortunately when my kids were born, my dad had already passed away but my mom was great help. But then again, we were lucky in that my wife was a full time stay at home mom so she bore the brunt of many sleepless nights. Maybe it’s parents amnesia, my wife and I were talking about this very issue not to long ago when my second grandson was… Read more »
Tom, I think parents amnesia is the reason anyone has more than one kid. When we had our second, we found that all aspects of baby-hood were new. We’d forgotten everything. Maybe it’s an evolutionary trait to ensure the survival of the species.
Every relationship has its own language. Friend to friend, brother to sister, husband to wife, kid to parent. Each relationship is unique in its language. When husband and wife have a child, they’re learning a new language on top of their shared marital language. Another child, another language. It gets more and more complex for everyone in the family web as the child learns the unique language while picking up the functional common language. Learning curve is super steep for parents of young kids as well. Take heart: you’re already getting better at it.
So well said. I often watch my children have tantrums and realize that they’re expressing the frustration that I, too feel but which I’ve learned (mostly) to control.
Being a parent is absolutely about learning to control your anger, and your reaction to the button-pushing. There are great resources out there (we go to voluntary parenting classes). You identify the problem, you work to resolve it, you improve.
Tom, you put your finger on an important point. We need to seek out resources for help. My wife and I go to similar classes as well.
Thank you. All parents have times like these and then we feel awful and we hide them. Hiding things grows the shame and doesn’t help the situation. Each time someone shares their story it helps other parents bring their awful moments into the open, or at least relax around them a tiny bit knowing they are not the only one. My hitting story is that I was exhausted, for months, health problems and my son would NOT sleep more than a few hours. Ever. This particular day he was in his high chair and he threw everything I gave him… Read more »
Thanks for sharing, Veronica. You’re right that it’s important to talk about moments like these. Otherwise, we think that we’re screwed up for feeling things that it turns out that everyone else feels–and acts on.
I don’t have children and I don’t really plan any time soon or maybe ever (I am 32 f.). But I guess I should never have one based on my reaction to your comments here: I really don’t thing slapping your son’s wrist was that big of a deal and definitely not worth being traumatized about. Ok, a parent should preferably never be angry at a child when disciplining them, but even in what you see as your worse anger bout you just slapped his wrist. That how bad your Incredible Hulk is… Frankly, the slap worked. It shocked your… Read more »
I’m inclined to agree with your reaction, rather than your afterthoughts. I feel guilty every time I have spanked my kids (like 5 times for my son and once for my daughter, ages 5 and 4 respectively). The fourth time I spanked my son he looked scared, and offended, and I swore I would never do that again. Then the other day he grabbed his sisters hand and just wrenched the hell out of her fingers–seriously unprovoked and out of the blue. I picked him up immediately, and spanked him there in public, and asked him if now that he… Read more »
Let me clarify: I’m not opposed to spanking. My wife and I have decided not to spank our children and that philosophy works for us. I do not think that spanking children (if done in a safe, measured manner) hurts kids in the long run. I was spanked (a lot, sometimes hard), as were some of my brothers and my sister. However, when my youngest brother came along (there are six of us), my parents did not spank him. They said that they had learned more effective techniques. As Vcote wrote, a slap on the wrist is not that bad.… Read more »