Steve Dustcircle struggles with the knowledge that an emotional death can be more devastating than a physical one. It characterizes the mourning he feels for his dad, a man who is still alive.
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My dad’s not dead yet, but he will be. His health is deteriorating. He has over twenty-five years on me and I’m thirty-eight years old.
While there are some good childhood memories (like trips to the park, getting ice cream, and talking me through a heartbreak at thirteen), there are also some darker memories (the abusiveness, the ridicule, and the times he’d discourage me).
Through all the bruises, I have always tried to reach out to him. I was a Christian at the time, and I had always felt it was my place to forgive and try to forget.
But it’s not that easy.
As I age, I can see now that our failed reconciling was not my fault. My dad was never was able to make and keep many friends—his only friends are my step-mom’s family (of which many have died by now)—and he was barely able to reconcile with his own siblings after many years.
Though I’m no longer religious, so I feel I have no particular moral obligations, but the situation still saddens me. I have tried and tired before to re-develop a relationship, but I can’t try again.
I attempt to keep my emotions at bay when I hypothesize what I would do if he had called to make amends—or if I got the call that he had died. I have additionally role-played various situations in my head. I’ve resolved that I’m at peace with the situation. The animosity is mostly gone, and I have pretty much healed from his abuse or neglect.
I feel I can honestly say I’ve moved on, and shouldn’t invest myself into what would only cause more pain, anger and resentment. In a metaphorical sense, he’s been gone a long time, and I’ve learned for half of my life to go on without him, or anything else in my life that holds me back, or is suppressive.
Though he is still alive, there is no need to dwell on the past. I have since married, and I have several supportive friends, fun talents and hobbies, and have built a few small businesses.
While my wife and I are currently child-free, we’re approaching a decade of marriage. Watching my dad’s good treatment toward his wives (my mother and step-mom) contrasted with how he treated his children, and I can admire him for that. I try to treat my own wife with respect, compassion, openness and sacrifice. And if we ever happen to have kids—which I doubt we will—I foreshadow that I’ll treat them in kind.
You don’t always have to be just like your folks, unless you want to be. In many cases, you want to be good like your parents, but sometimes you want to be better than they were.
I have a better life now, and I am grateful for that. I feel that when life gives you crumbled cookies, just sprinkle those crumbs on some ice cream, because even though my dad is leaving darkness and bad taste, there was always the ice cream.
Photo: Flickr/ TylrClement
I am 51 and I just went through the same thing. My has dad died to me twice now. This time it’s final. Involves cheating on my mom numerous times, marrying his latest mistress (who cheated on her husband), and now leaving everything to her in his will. I simply cannot trust or accept her. I may never know when he physically dies. Right now my soul is tortured but I have chosen integrity over false peace with a not very nice person, or people, I should say. It breaks my heart but it’s the right thing to do for… Read more »
I echo what Tom said. My relationship with my dad was similar to yours. The years your dad grew up in had a way different outlook on dads relationships with their kids. The contrast you saw with all his wives compared to you shows that. It was not uncommon that a man had few friends at best. You wanted things to be different but perhaps he was only doing the best he had to work with. In my case, as a result of a very difficult divorce, the story you wrote is almost the same for me. The difference is… Read more »
You said “I’m no longer religious so I feel I have no particular moral obligations”. Ummmm, there isn’t a direct line between religion and morality. I assume that you want to be a good moral person for your wife, friends, family and even for yourself? Or you’re planning to live amorally or immorally? You can be an atheist (or agnostic) and just ‘do what is right’. No need to rely imaginary people in the sky and silly books to ‘be good’. Good luck you.
Yes, Neil, I feel that non-religious people (as I am now) get morality from our conscience. I was referring to the moral obligation of making amends and forgiving in a religious manner, reluctantly. Without the guilt of feeling like an “almighty” was lording over me with certain rules and regulations, I was able to make my own decision–one that I felt would better my heart in the long-run.
Thanks for your feedback.
Reminds me of an episode of All In the Family where Meathead found out what kind of childhood Archy had. The idea was not to excuse Archy’s behavior or attitude but to simply shed some light. There was a similar type of episode on Everyone Loves Raymond where his dad disclosed a segment of his childhood. I’m not saying this to justify your dad’s behaviors or to guilt you in any way. Sadly, abuse is cyclical and many who behave badly, do so because of how they were treated. You clearly broke the cycle. You stated that you have moved… Read more »
Just now seeing your comment, going through older articles. Thank you for your encouragement. While my dad’s ways toward me affected my teen and young adult life, I feel I’ve finally matured, pulled away from insecurity and manned up to forgiving but not forgetting. I forgive him, but want nothing to do with him. Scars heal by not picking them.