Lauren Hale says that men can, and often do, suffer from a form of Post-Partum Depression. But there is hope.
Fatherhood. It’s cigars, pats on the back, football, beer, tossing the football with your son or watching your daughter’s ballet recitals, right? Just as motherhood is often painted with a brush of societal normalcy, so too is fatherhood. Sometimes fatherhood, like motherhood, carries with it a darkness. Both mothers and fathers suffer silently in this cloak of depression. Often, parenthood doesn’t gently settle into their lives. It bursts through their front door as if it were a bull set loose in Tiffany’s.
But is it possible for a new dad to struggle with depression? Absolutely. According to a study published by JAMA back in May 2010, led by Dr. James F. Paulson, more than 1 in 10 new fathers are believed to struggle with Paternal Postnatal Depression within 3-6 months of becoming a father. It’s important to note also, that fathers with depressed partners struggling with depression are 50% more likely to develop depression themselves.
“It’s kind of a scary thing to not be able to bond with your baby because you know this is your family…this is your life,” shared dad Jeff, who does not hesitate to share his trip through depression after the birth of both his children, now 8 and 10.
Joel Schwartzberg, author of The 40 Year old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, also speaks up regarding his brush with depression after the birth of his son. “The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I would savor opportunities to leave the house on an errand and get big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.”
Signs and symptoms of male depression do differ somewhat from that of depression in females. According to Dr. Courtenay, the Men’s Doctor, for a depressed male, specifically after childbirth, his symptoms may include the following:
- Increased anger and conflict with others
- Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
- Frustration or irritability
- Violent behaviour
- Losing weight without trying
- Isolation from family and friends
- Being easily stressed
- Impulsivenes and taking risks, like reckless driving and extramarital sex
- Feeling discouraged
- Increases in complaints about physical problems
- Ongoing phsyical symptoms, like headaches, digestion problems, or pain
- Problems with concentration and motivation
- Working constantly
- Misuse of prescription medication
- Increased concerns about productivity and functioning at school or work (failure)
- Fatigue
- Experiencing conflict between how you think you should be as a man and how you actually are
“Be the dad you think you are, not the dad people in your life or in your television expect you to be,” advises Joel Schwartzberg, when asked what advice he would give to a dad if he only had a split second. “Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally bad dad) gave me the confidence to rebuild my personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt paternally challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering failure. Now, I define my dadhood based on my own standards and expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.
”Change is an expected part of parenting. But when that change includes depression, assuming it’s the “new normal” as Jeff Tow and his wife did, may lead dangerous places. “having a baby changes your life. It’s a good thing, really. But we’re not equipped to handle it. With so much focus on the mom, the dad often gets left behind. The man may go to work all day, come home stressed, have a baby shoved in their arms so mom can rest, then be up with that baby all night. Then, off to work. This is another dangerous cycle as men get tired and even more stressed. This in turn puts stress on the marriage and can make things very uncomfortable in a family.”
Two depressed partners, as was the case with Jeff and his wife, changes the game. My former spouse and I were both severely depressed after the birth of our second daughter. In fact, we were both on the same medication not long after her birth. Born early and sent to the NICU for a month, our daughter’s fragile medical state added to our depression issues. We made a concerted effort to check in with each other, make sure we were taking our medication, and did our best despite the whirlwind to get time for ourselves. It didn’t always work out but we did what we could with the resources available to us. More often than not, we ended up with our game faces on, faking it until we made it.
Jeff, however, didn’t have any support. “I got through ‘it’ on my own,” he says, “eventually I came out from the cloud and was able to bond and be there properly for my family. I wish I had asked for help. New dads need to check in with their close friends, family, and spouse regularly for a ‘mental health checkup.’ To see if anything seems off and if so, to work on it right away. It’s proven that getting help quickly can, most often, ward many off many of the issues men face after their baby is born.”
Talking about male depression after childbirth raises the awareness of the issue and alerts communities, families, and loved ones to the possibility. When in the midst of the darkness, it’s difficult to educate those around you to be aware of symptoms of depression as you may be in denial or not have the motivation to even educate yourself. Educate during pregnancy or even before trying to conceive. Talk about mental health and locate the resources available to you within your community with your partner, family, and close friends once you’ve made the decision to become parents. Adoptive parents, this includes you too as you’re not immune to depression after bringing a new child into your lives, especially if it’s an infant.
“If a spouse or loved one notices unusual behaviour, they need to say something in a way that doesn’t demean the man or make him feel less ‘manly.’ it’s about communicating for the common good.” Jeff Tow offers.
Whatever you do, don’t tell a man to “…just man up,” as people told Joel Schwartzberg. “I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found my writing to be –gutsy.” Joel is right –it takes courage– to speak up about depression as a man.
It’s okay for a man to cry. It’s okay for a man to seek help. It’s okay to not be okay. In order to take good care of your family, you must first take good care of yourself. Finding a balance between self-care and family care is a necessary step in digging yourself out of the darkness.
Being a father means being present. It means reading to your kids, it means playing with your kids, it means proving companionship and love to your partner, and contributing overall to caring for the household. You cannot do any of those things well if you are suffering silently with depression.
Both Joel and Jeff have wonderful relationships with their children these days. They grew into the fatherhood with which they struggled so much at first. In fact, Joel states, “I’m a more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.”
“When my son or daughter hugs me, gives me a kiss and says ‘I love you’…I know it was all worth it. All the struggle and all the pain fades away. I’m left with that moment in time personally connecting us in a way that is indescribably.” states Jeff.
Men, don’t be afraid to discuss depression or feeling down. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend and ask if he’s okay. If he posts something on the topic of depression, jump into the discussion. Read, educate yourself, reach out.
Jeff and his wife both posted a video interview at their website as part of an ongoing series. “Her video received comments and likes on Facebook and there was a nice discussion going. Mine received less views and no comments…Mine (friends) are mostly men, who likely don’t want to say anything or admit that they themselves have suffered too.” shares Jeff.
Both Jeff and Sara are training for an ultra-marathon swim across Lake Michigan in August. As they train, they’re working to raise awareness of Perinatal Mood Disorders. No married couple has ever completed a swim across Lake Michigan and only one person has ever completed the crossing at midpoint. Why are they doing this? According to their website, Through the Blue, “To show that as you step into the water (when your baby is born), you’ll battle ups and downs and feel, at times, like all hope is lost… but, soon you’ll see the land ahead and as you close in, you’ll know you can get through it. You’ll know that the hard times are behind you and you can step out of your blues and into a brighter future.”
Dr. Courtenay refers to male depression as a silent killer because men, for so long, have been taught to keep their feelings inside. It’s time to break the cycle of stigma in which male depression is cloaked. Jeff and Joel both speak up about their experiences, and more dads are following in their footsteps. Every discussion, no matter how simple, is a step in the right direction.
Photo courtesy of iandeth
I am writing this early morning whilst I try to get back to sleep. Being a father of twins has not been easy. Four months on and I still feel that I cannot cope well. Sleep has improved but there are many worries ahead. The more I read about depression the.more I see that there is a lack of specific support for fathers. Here in the UK systems are designed to help mums, to talk to them, to e courage them to socialise and seek help. Shout when you need us, they say. Reality is the systems are over stretched.… Read more »
Tom,
Just because you didn’t suffer doesn’t mean that others have not. Don’t downplay things you don’t understand.
The issue of sex after childbirth was discussed today on womens hour on BBC radio 4 and will be discussed on mens hour on sunday 8/7/12 on bbcradio 5 – intriguing info and honest men and womens thoughts…
Excellent article, Lauren! I’ve been looking at the Dad’s experience of PPD for years now and it’s great to finally see so much more research and information out there for families. My DVD, Postpartum Couples, examines Dad’s experiences with the Mom’s PPD but we all know that it doesn’t just end there. I hope many dads will read this and see that there is hope and help for them, that no family has to suffer, and that they will not only be well again but that a couple can grow stronger through postpartum depression if they are open to seeking… Read more »
I loved being out with my kids from day one. In fact the restaurant we frequented the most was the first stop on the way home from the hospital. The owner (husband and wife) almost grabbed the kids out of our hands to take them around to patrons to show them off. Kids adapt to their environment. My wife liked sleeping late, I liked staying up late. The kids would be up with me and would sleep later in the morning. Our kids went with us everywhere. Noise never bothered them. My daughter has more problems and anxiety with the… Read more »
I think a lot of the “depression” new moms and dads feel is directly related to their chronic lack of sleep and disruption of their sleeping routines. You’re just not getting the REM sleep you used to or enough hours and on any given 3AM you may have to spring into action walking baby, making bottles, changing sheets and nighties, taking temperatures etc. And because both partners are suffering from lack of sleep neither one is getting a lot of sympathy from the other. No one cuts new moms and dads a break in the workplace or at the grocery… Read more »
Thanks, Tom, for that! Having a child forces you to leave some wants and needs unmet for months or years on end. Sleep, sex, money, energy, freedom and more all fall to the wayside at least temporarily at some point once kids are involved. (Yep, they’re still worth it.) Kids cause you to face what you expect out of marriage and your spouse. You find insecurities and fears and expectations and jealousy and selfishness you didn’t know you had. Having kids made my husband and I mature in a lot of ways. I will say that those first sleep deprived… Read more »
Thank you Gina. Stress was my big problem. My secretary called me “PP” as in paranoid papa. I would find myself getting up in the middle of the night thinking I left something on the stair case and if my wife got up with the baby, she would slip on it and fall. When she’d go out with the kids and I was at home, if I would here a siren, I would go out and look. But it was all worth it … 100 % Kids are grown and we have a grandson and wow, it’s great! Nonetheless, my… Read more »
I hope to see some other guys respond to this. Maybe it’s because the article appeared just yesterday. Although I do believe that post-partum depression exists in some men, 1 in 10, I hope men recognize the symptoms. I think it goes back to the reality that men look at depression differently and in a lot of cases see any kind of depression as a sign of weakness. It kind of bothers me that right out of the gate “sex” or the lack of, was brought up. Perhaps this is the view that a women may have but please don’t… Read more »
I agree that sex is not the only source of affection and intimacy in a marriage, and that it doesn’t sound unreasonable for a new dad to have to wait a few months but let me play devils advocate… Everyone has their own “love language.”. Mine is time. I want my husband to spend time with me and on things for me. My moms is gifts. A bouquet of flowers means the world to her. For many men (including mine) physical intimacy is how the know they are or feel loved. Imagine if for three months, bc of some reasonable… Read more »
If you agree that sex is not the only source of affection and intimacy in a marriage, you see how these men (and women) could be fine with that, overall. Nothing like being apart and not being able to talk to someone, that is lack of contact all together.
This coming from a person who has physical intimacy as her love language.
I can’t see how both partners COULDN”T have PPD. No sleep, constant stress from readjusting to an infant, new roles in the marriage, hormones on both sides, and cultural pressures to “get back to normal” immediately. Not to mention, less family around and a corporate world that wants people back at work immediately?
Sounds depressing to me.
I’ve been there. It was hard. I don’t advise the system we have currently.
Julie – I’ve been there too. It’s hard, ugly, and left me crumpled on the floor in tears on more than one occasion. I struggled with severe PP OCD after the birth of my first daughter. It exploded into PP OCD, Depression, and PTSD after the birth of my second as she spent time in the NICU. Hell doesn’t even BEGIN to cover what we went through, what our marriage went through. It was much deeper and darker than Hell. Much. I don’t have a solution but I do know that the more we talk about it and share our… Read more »
I had PPD with anxiety features after my second. Horrible stuff.
Indeed it is. I hope you were able to find help and resources. SO many moms and parents I talk to weren’t able to do so and like Jeff, just fought through it on their own. Hell, I didn’t even have resources with my first.
Sex, while an important aspect of a marriage (and clearly one of the causes of pregnancy), isn’t always the be all and end all for most people. If it is, then there isn’t much else to the rest of your relationship and you may want to examine the relationship as a whole. I didn’t mention it in the article because quite frankly, neither of the dads I interviewed for the piece mentioned it and I rarely if ever hear it as a reason for depression when I talk with dads who have struggled with Paternal Postnatal Depression (which is quite… Read more »
“Sex, while an important aspect of a marriage (and clearly one of the causes of pregnancy), isn’t always the be all and end all for most people. If it is, then there isn’t much else to the rest of your relationship and you may want to examine the relationship as a whole.” Ideally marriages should be like that, especially around the arrival time of a new baby. However, it would sound selfish on the men’s part if they did disclose lack of sex as a contributor to their depression! If I were a man, I couldn’t bear to admit it… Read more »
Yes, it may be true for some fathers, I’ll admit that. Even the article admits that affairs, etc, are a sign of depression. But if a dad is dedicated and a good man, he’ll talk things out before going behind his wife’s back. Or at least, the Pollyanna in me would hope he would. There absolutely are some men out there who wouldn’t though, and again, that goes back to a breakdown in communication. I agree 100% that men who run off and cheat while their wives are pregnant or after childbirth are very selfish. And those who run off… Read more »
Mothers who have just given birth are advised to refrain from having sex 4 to six weeks after giving birth. And prior to that, most women are too pregnant in the latter of their pregnancy to handle or enjoy intercourse. So most husbands will go without intercourse for at least a couple of months —- does this not contribute to depression? I’m just trying to be realistic…I don’t see this mentioned in the article. Furthermore the arrival of a new baby will require all the attention and energy from the mother; so not only men are not getting enough sex,… Read more »
Refrain from sex or just intercourse? People can have sex without it. I know, I know, straight American men believe sex is all about intercourse and their ejaculation, and that is when sex ends… it is all about their penises. Women be damned, their clit is never even remembered by most men when sex is on.
But why are American women still putting up with that selfish crap? Wake up women!