In conducting interviews with highly resilient people, whether professional athletes, Olympics heroes, survivors of devastating injuries, or devastating home environments, they all revealed the drive to bounce back was an essential element in successfully overcoming adversity.
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By George S. Everly Jr., Ph.D., Co-Author of Stronger: Develop the Resilience You Need to Succeed
Every time I walk into my youngest daughter’s room, I am struck by all of her trophies; trophies for participation in swimming, soccer and lacrosse. Basically, they are trophies for “showing up.” To the degree that such tangible evidence of participation helps her self-esteem, I am pleased. But I worry about the expectations they may set for later in life. Will she learn that she “deserves” to be rewarded simply because she shows up? Will she learn that she should be rewarded because of her presence, rather than her performance? Will she grow up with a sense of entitlement that sets the stage for bitterness and disappointment in later life when someone finally does hold her accountable for not only showing up, but for her performance, as well? How can I best prepare my children for a world that does not love them as I do and that does not necessarily recognize their inner strengths and the unique beauty and value they bring in to it?
I remember reading something that Pericles once said, “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” And the simple fact is that there are no lives more precious than the lives of our children and no investment more important than the lives of our children. If this planet is to survive sociologically, as well as ecologically, it will only be because our children have made it so. So, whats the best gift I can give my children? Resilience!
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Resilience may be thought of as the ability to keep trying in the wake of adversity, the ability to “rebound” after getting knocked down. At times, through no fault of their own, our children will find the challenges of life overwhelming. They will be rejected from elite schools, sports teams, potential employment and even romantic relationships. Will they let rejection and failure dictate their future? Will they learn to “settle” for something less than they really desired? Will they allow failure to rob them of their self-esteem? Or worse yet, will they allow the expectation of failure to become a self-fulfilling prophecy that defines who they are?
That which determines success versus failure when children have been knocked down by life is the amount of resilience the children possess. To paraphrase Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States, the ability to bounce back and keep trying despite hardship is a more powerful predictor of happiness and success in life than are talent, education and even genius. Our research supports this conclusion.
In conducting interviews with highly resilient people, whether professional athletes, Olympics heroes, survivors of devastating injuries, or devastating home environments, they all revealed the drive to bounce back was an essential element in successfully overcoming adversity.
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So now the only question is whether resilience is mostly genetic, or can it be learned? Our research led us to conclude resilience can be learned. So parents, if you want to see your children have happy successful lives, give them the greatest gift of all . . . resilience. In STRONGER, we discuss what we believe the core factors of resilience are and we give you suggestions on how to acquire them at any age:
- Active optimism, the belief that you will be successful in the end. If you are not successful, its not the end! So keep trying.
- The ability to make a decision. The ability to avoid paralysis by analysis (overthinking).
- Chart your life’s journey using a moral compass. According to teacher Gina Brelesky, “work hard, be nice.” Show people respect even if you don’t agree with them.
- Tenacity, be persistent. Realize that tenacity is a trait that few people have so it gives you a huge advantage.
- The support of others. Realize that there is strength in numbers, Starting as soon as you can develop friendships, support systems, networks. In order to earn a friend, you must be a friend. Be kind.
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This article originally appeared on Maria Shriver.com
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