Tank tops, and my five-year-old son’s revulsion for them, made me rethink our gender-neutral parenting
Last fall, my son’s kindergarten teacher urged us to get tank tops to layer under our children’s clothes. My son already wears short-sleeve undershirts on cool days and wool long-underwear on cold days, but she encouraged tank tops as another layering option for even warm days (warmth is a big deal at his school). So I went to a big box store to shop for warm-ish tank tops.
The “boys” section only had thin, ribbed tanks that would be way too long for my short little guy and not thick enough to provide much warmth. So I wandered over to the “girls” section. I scoured the shelves for some gender-neutral option that provided better coverage without tell-tale lacy edges or little embroidered strawberries. I managed to find one package that contained three solid, simple tanks in white, blue, and pink. I figured I would introduce the white and blue first then put the pink one in his drawer after he fell in love with wearing them.
I also bought a package of the long, thin, ribbed variety—just in case.
A couple weeks later the weather shifted so I suggested my son try one of the new tanks. “How about the blue one?” I prompted. He put it on and came to the doorway of my bedroom to complain with a two-syllable “Mom!” that it was a “girl’s” shirt.
How did he…? I studied him for a second, then asked, “What makes you think it’s a girl’s shirt?”
He tugged on the shoulders and said, “I don’t know. It’s just shaped like a girl’s shirt.”
“But it’s blue,” I replied, feeling some feminist muscle deep inside me involuntarily twitch. Then I sighed and released him to find something more to his liking.
I was bummed my extra effort to find a gender-neutral option was wasted, but after inspecting the tanks again there was no visible “tell” on the shirt. So as an experiment, I decided to stock his dresser with the long, thin, ribbed tanks. At the next opportune weather moment I prompted him to try one and again he came to my doorway, exasperated, and said, “but this is a girl’s shirt!”
This time I protested and told him it really wasn’t and asked again why he thought it was. After a second he replied, “because it doesn’t have any sleeves.”
For my son’s entire short life we have tried to be careful about how we present gender to him. We tend to think gender stereotypes are mostly bogus so we instinctively avoid them. We talk about our division of labor as interchangeable—Daddy works at his office across the highway, Mommy works in her office upstairs. We trade-off chores so he sees Daddy washing dishes, folding clothes, and changing diapers and he sees Mommy fixing lamps, shoveling snow, and doing the taxes. We change gendered words like “fireman” and “waitress” to “firefighter” and “server.” We even listen to Free to Be You and Me in the car. We have discussed the more obvious anatomical and biological differences (I can’t tell you how many times we’ve cataloged which extended family members have penises and which don’t, only to end with “but they all have butts!”). But we’ve tried to debunk as many other differences between males and females as we can.
Yet somehow my five-year-old son has come to associate sleeves with maleness.
Even though this sex-linked association is relatively harmless, it still bothers me. We want our son to be free to wear whatever (weather appropriate) clothing makes him comfortable, regardless of which section of the store it comes from. We don’t want him to feel limited because he’s in the fifth percentile for size and not as “big and strong” as some of his male peers. We want him to show empathy and compassion just as easily as he shows courage and self-control. We want him to know that his dignity and rights come from his personhood, not his penis. And we want him to see every other person—male, female, or in-between—as deserving the same dignity and rights because of their personhood.
I know just enough about child development and the psychology of identity formation to know that at some point nearly everybody builds a gendered identity, usually (but not always) based on which body parts they have. But I also know that a lot of this identity is shaped by the role-models a child identifies with, which is why we try to be as gender-neutral as possible around here. And that’s why these two fleeting exchanges with my son caught my attention.
We have sexed bodies, as any small child knows, but what that means beyond our anatomy is largely influenced by what’s around us. In this case: sleeves.
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Up until the tank tops, I had felt pretty confident about our gender-debunking. But now provocative pronouncements like “girls are crazy” are appearing at the dinner table. At first, I shuddered to think it was all for naught—he was going to pick up stereotypes no matter what we did. And sure, with two small boys, our household has lots of wrestling and not a single princess anything in it. But after I thought about it some more, I came to realize the tank-top episode actually proves the opposite. It goes to show why all our gender-neutral parenting is really important after all.
Initially I wondered if he picked up the “tank-tops are for girls” idea from classmates or friends, but the kids don’t go around with just their under-layers showing, so I decided that couldn’t be it. Then I thought about images in the media, but his exposure is so limited (and the images are so mixed anyway) I figured that couldn’t be it either. Then it struck me that his Daddy’s undershirts all have sleeves. My husband doesn’t prefer them because of gender, however, it’s because he thinks an undershirt’s primary job is to protect his dress shirts from his armpits, which a tank can’t do. But my five-year-old has concluded there is something inherently feminine about tanks because Mommy wears them and Daddy doesn’t.
My son absorbs every big and small thing his parents do. Which means in addition to all the gender-bending we do around here, he knows his body is more like Daddy’s than Mommy’s and that identification cascades into every other difference between Daddy and Mommy. Tank tops are a small thing, but it illustrates the larger picture of how boys see themselves and their bodies—as little mirrors of the male bodies around him. We have sexed bodies, as any small child knows, but what that means beyond our anatomy is largely influenced by what’s around us. In this case: sleeves.
If my son’s identity is this sensitive to what the males around him do, then it is even more important for us to keep using gender-neutral language, debunk gender differences when they come up, and walk-the-walk of gender-neutral parenting. If we want him to see personhood as paramount, then we need to make the differences between Mommy and Daddy less and less relevant. So I’ll bide my time until the day we come across a man in a tank-top and pounce on that teachable moment to say, “See!” And, in the meantime, we might add some dress shirts to Daddy’s collection that have a little more pink and lavender in them. Couldn’t hurt.
Madeira – Thanks for the comment! I’m betting your future offspring will absorb a lot of flexibility in how they present themselves. Of course, parents aren’t the only influences, so if grandma gets them hooked on cars and baby dolls, you might have to pick your battles. 🙂
Lucky for me my husband is a makeup and dress loving goth boy so I’m pretty sure they won’t regard much clothing as gendered (I’m imagining my future offspring deciding that non-monochromatic clothing must be for girls, because mommy wears colours and daddy doesn’t, or that flat shoes are for boys because daddy wears them and mommy doesn’t lol). My kids will be allowed to wear whatever (weather and occasion appropriate) clothes they wish, and will be allowed to do whatever they want with their hair. My personal hope is that they like monsters and barbies better than they like… Read more »
Randy – I am really curious about the suggestion (others have made it too) that being mindful of how we portray gender means we don’t have the time or ability to perform our other parenting responsibilities at the same time, like teach him how to tie his shoes or be kind. I understand that you might see those jobs as more important than gender debunking, but they aren’t mutually exclusive. All two of the times I suggested he wear a tank my son refused and wore something else. Although I buy the clothing, my son usually picks out what he… Read more »
Why would you push this gender neutral agenda when your son should be learning how to tie his shoes? Are you really going to pounce on the opportunity to point out another man wearing a tank top just to prove your point to a five year old? Does Dad wear tank tops?
If you push tank tops and pink, you’re forcing him into your prescribed script. Give him choices and let him make them.
Drew – I agree it’s about exposure to difference!
If he sees you, his dad or other people in the gym, he’ll realize that most of the fit men and women wear tank top-like clothing. That might help him realize that shirts are not gendered, but why we wear certain types depends more on what you are doing and the shape of your body.
So what if the kid thinks tank tops are for girls when he’s six? By the time he’s thirteen, he’ll probably be wearing them. It’s a massive waste of time to try to de-gender your child. I don’t intend to be mean-spirited, but I am exasperated with the recurring idea that we need to devote all this time to insulating our children from gender roles or norms. All that effort of swimming against the current of society and biology would be better spent trying to teach the child to be kind.
bryclops –
Thank you for commenting. Yes, we stress kindness too. I referee several disputes a day between my son and his brother that have nothing to do with gender and everything to do with treating people well.
I agree. I don’t think we should force people to stick to gender roles, but my God, the child is FIVE. Kids process things, you know, like KIDS. This kid isn’t going through some insane, wordy rant about how he needs to degender himself. He probably saw a bunch of girls wearing them and, because at a certain age many boys and girls will group off by gender to play, noticed the difference. Girls shirts ARE shaped differently, for a girl’s body. Whether or not we want to discuss it, one day many of these girls will grow up and… Read more »
Rm – If we keep trying to force kids into ‘gender neutral’ we are going to confuse them and in many ways stifle them.
It’s not that we want to force our sons to be “gender neutral,” it’s that we don’t want to uncritically perpetuate gender stereotypes that have little or no correlation to actual sexed bodies. However my son decides to perform his masculinity, including insisting on sleeves, we want him to understand it’s his choice and not some prescribed script. And that every other person gets the same choice.
I laughed out loud at the “But they all have butts!” comment. This will be my new slogan for trying to transcend narrow gender roles or pigeonholes that society tries to put people in.
Anyway, as a nonparent I’ve got a totally amateurish suggestion. Maybe when he says “girls are crazy” that’s a time to ask him some questions about what he means by that and maybe give a lesson about not jumping to conclusions about half the world’s population.
wellokaythen-
Thanks so much for your comment!
Usually, we do engage him on the “crazy” type comments to find out where it’s coming from and help him begin to think critically about generalizations. Often it’s just him being a provocateur, but for more serious things we try to point out examples of people we know that run against the generalization. Usually that’s enough (for now).
You’d be surprised how much a kid picks up. I recall a study once noting that even newborns were treated differently, with girls being held more gently than boys. From there, we are constantly inundated with cultural messages, whether through media or examples. Outside of raising your kid in a Skinner Box, there is no way to avoid it; the best you can do is model and teach and hope your example outweighs all the others they’ll see.
Cornelius –
Thanks for commenting. Yep, it’s been very interesting to watch the boy/girl splits creep into my son’s life. It started around age four when the groups on the playground began to segregate by gender. Kinda amazing.
“My husband doesn’t prefer them because of gender, however, it’s because he thinks an undershirt’s primary job is to protect his dress shirts from his armpits, which a tank can’t do.” I mostly agree. Undergarments have three roles: 1. protect the outer garments from bodily effluvia (pit stains and skid marks, for instance); 2. protect the body from cold; and 3. protect the body from prying eyes when outer garments are translucent. Tanks fail utterly at role #1 and don’t do much for #2. All they’re good for is hiding the torso, whether as an undergarment or an outer garment.… Read more »
Benjamin-
Thanks for your comment!
The layering does get a little ridiculous sometimes, partially because of school (it’s a thing), and partially because of our weather – chilly mornings, hot afternoons, and mild evenings throughout the summer. So we shed layers throughout the day and then put everything back on once the sun goes down. I don’t actually care much if he wears the tank tops as long as he’s generally warm enough. He does wear a variety of undergarments depending on the season. And, as you noted, sometimes even when it’s hot there are reasons to wear an undershirt.