Before I became a dad, I was spending time hanging out with my friends every day, on numerous sports teams, doing yoga and meditation classes, having deep conversations, and coaching people all around the world in their lifestyle businesses. I felt quite connected to my fellow humans. After my son Axel was born however, I felt the connection with other people grow even stronger. It started with a major personal breakthrough around asking others for help.
I went through a really dark time in the first 24 hours after I realized I was going to be a father. It felt like too big of a change in my life and that it would be too hard and I couldn’t afford it and I was halfway around the world from my family (in Bali) and yadda yadda yadda, so many reasons why I couldn’t do it. As I was going through this mental turmoil, I was getting sick, nauseated with the cold sweats and I just wanted to someone to come help me out. I was even saying in my mind like a prayer, “someone please help me”. After many hours of this I realized that I was going to have to learn to ask for help, because as Hillary Clinton says in the title of her book, “It takes a village to raise a child”. It became apparent that I wasn’t going to be able to be a father with no other male support, nor should I try.
Being a father is the most natural thing in the world, we all have them.
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I’ve gotten better at asking for help in all areas of my life. As a solopreneur, there are times (like with marketing or sales—not my background) where I would normally plow right ahead because I think I have to “figure it all out” myself. Often that ends with a half finished project and lots of struggle. As Amanda Palmer points out in her book The Art of Asking, it is often easier to ask for help for someone else. I had no problem asking if pregnant Heidi could sit in first class when we flew back from Bali (it worked on one flight). You might not think a single act of helping a new dad might amount to much, but your influence is larger than you think.
One thing that blows my mind is that my son might be the first generation to live to be 1000 years old. If the life extension researchers get the breakthroughs they are hoping for, then we will stop dying of age related diseases and only die of freak accidents (the odds are about 1/1000 each year of that happening to you). If Axel did live to be 1000 and the generation time is 33.33 years, that means he could live to meet his great great great great great great great great great great (times three, you get the point) grandchildren. Imagine the amount of influence he could have on his family over that time, not to mention the millions of people he could meet. We know that children pattern so many things after their parents so…everything I do now could be influencing millions of people and dozens of generations. Wow, talk about pressure! But I also feel proud to be a link of the great chain of humanity.
Being a father is the most natural thing in the world, we all have them (in fact, if you don’t become a parent, you are breaking our longest human tradition). One of the first things I learned from my son Axel is a particular way of looking at the world. Everyone has a parent, so therefore it’s easy for me to imagine a person’s parent loving and being proud of them for who they are, even if that person is struggling or unhappy. So try this: when you go out and interact with people, imagine that you are their parent. This will make you think they are the most amazing and precious person in the world. What comes out through your body language and words is that you love them as they are are just wishing for them to be happy. What I have found is this amazing loving kindness reflected right back to me. Sometimes people just need a parent’s love.
“Oh you would love being a dad, it’s really fun and it strengthens your connection with every other person!”
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There is a checklist of things that I go through in my head when Axel is crying: does he need to be fed, diaper changed, sleep, or want to be held? If one doesn’t work, I try all the others in turn. What stood out for me was the baby’s seemingly endless need for human contact. It’s not a box you can just check off. Axel could still want to be held even after we have been cuddling and walking around for over an hour. Now think about yourself as an adult – you might need human contact just as much, but you use your willpower to override and ignore that need! If I were to guess I would say that most people in the western world are starved for human contact (especially men). All it takes is a six second hug to stimulate oxytocin and make you happier. Guys! We all need human contact! Get yourself some hugs now.
Babies are a chick magnets…actually, they are an everyone magnet. Turns out, people love babies! Everywhere you look there are other parents, so now you have something in common with even more people. I recently completed a quest to visit all 50 US states so that I would have something in common with every American, and having a kid work the same way.
I’m sure I’ll discover more ways that being a dad brings me closer to other people; after all, Axel is only 9 weeks old. Just like everything else I’m in to, I annoyingly attempt to convince other guys to try it: “Oh you would love being a dad, it’s really fun and it strengthens your connection with every other person!” At least I’m not a militant Vegan.
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Photo: Getty Images
Awesome Derek! I am about 3 months away myself and already experiencing a love for my wife and others that I have never experienced in my life. I truly believe what you are saying to be true. I would love to connect, as I have not found many fathers with the same mindset.
Thank you again and looking forward to connecting!
They say in India that the love a parent feels for his/her child is the closest emotion to what God feels for us. Thanks for your good article. Liked it!